The Video 98 Collection Part 3: Robot Holocaust (1986)

When buying VHS there are many things to consider. First and foremost, is it out of print? If the answer is "yes", the price is right and you're in the market of trading, it probably is a wise investment. That is, if you have absolutely no standards, like me. But there are other selling points that make the deal ever so much sweeter. After being completely distracted by the EPIC cover. I overlooked the company that puts it out. So I was thrilled to see this beautiful sight upon starting the video...

If you're unfamiliar with this logo, you have no idea what you're missing out on! I always know that when I see the Wizard logo I'm in for some great fun! Even if the movie ends up sucking, those covers are irreplaceable. Nothing compares!

Robot Holocaust is a post apocalyptic movie of the "warrior" genre with lots of hand puppets and bad robot masks. The plot is obviously a Star Wars rip-off. I kept thinking that the music sounded familiar. I looked it up and it turns out the score was stolen from various Richard Band compositions, primarily from Laser Blast. Not to discredit the genius of the Bands, but it's pretty low when you're movie sucks so bad you're stealing music from Full Moon productions.

Set in the future, the air supply is now being controlled by an ominous robot called "the Dark One". Certain people are immune to the toxic fumes but most are under the thumb of the ruler. A scientist invents a potion/serum/something that they're never quite clear about that makes the air breathable. To assure that he maintains control, the Dark One kidnaps the scientist to force him to confess his secret. The scientist has a daughter who rounds up a group of bad actors warriors to save him.

The Dark One is never really seen, but we do have a woman with a thick European accent staggering through the role of nemesis. Valaria ended up being my favorite character. We're introduced to her through a mystical sequences of fog and interpretive dance. It was at this moment that I realize that the extent of the props and special effects were courtesy of Spencers Gifts ™.

"High Five!"

As the warriors travel, they meets a group of femme-nazis who capture men, cut out their tongues, rape them for mating purposes then kill them. The leader challenges one of the fellas to a battle, she loses then decides to come along and be the token asshole. They also decide to bring a tongueless "mute" who was next to be executed along with them. I might also mention that they have their own robot. A cheap C3PO imitation who is supposed to deliver some kind of comic relief, but really just kind of distracts from the real humor: the movie itself. They face many challenges along the way, including a tunnel full bucked tooth worm hand puppets...

Doesn't look like that's his first time with a face full of phallus

The only gore in the movie. However, these are not the only Freudian symbols in the movie! At first glance I totally misinterpreted what this was supposed to be...

I'm still not really sure.

C-crappy-O isn't sure either.

Dorque Torque, knows the secret being the weinerific wonderland that is "Robot Holocaust", but he's not telling. He wanted me to find out myself through research after the movie.

Why the hell were these guys even in this movie?

What more is there to say really?! It Robot Holocaust for Christ's sake! The only other thing this director, Tim Kinkaid,  is "famous" for is Mutant Hunt and Breeders... Oh yeah and A SHIT LOAD OF GAY PORN! There are many reasons why I love this movie. It reminds me of some craptastic straight to video mistakes that I've loved for years, like Shredder Orpheus and Roller Blade. It's sure to become a favorite of this very particular brand of "sucky". Something about the Mall-bought costumes, the boiler room sets and the actual effort that was put into this movie to make it entertaining is honorable really. Besides just making fun of it, it's really not too bad! It follows the formula well enough and relies on hand made effects and sheer ingenuity to carry out this trashsterpiece. If that isn't reason enough to see this movie, then perhaps this is...

So with that being said I'll leave you with one final image. The one that we-the-viewers are left with at the end of the movie.

Hope that doesn't spoil it for you too much.



  1. That thing sorta looks like sideboob.

  2. I have seen some of his more famous gay porn films and they look professional and well-staged, acted and blocked compared to Breeders and this. I just don’t get it.

    Best line: “Who is this woman who walks through the She-Zone with male scum?”