Ginseng King (the Three Headed Monster) - 1989

Occasionally I stumble upon a movie that's so good, I can barely stand it. I have to periodically pause it and walk away so that everything I've seen so far can sink in. It's literally like a form of cinema induced paralysis where I'm literally awestruck. It's getting exactly what you want that didn't even realize you wanted. It's seeing all the qualities of a favorite film seemingly tailored for your own bad taste come together harmoniously in ways you couldn't have imagined. The Ginseng King is one such film.

A boy foraging for roots and herbs in the forest stumbles upon a tiny living ginseng root. Legend has it that if you eat the root of a "wiggling" ginseng, you'll live a long and healthy life. Since this is a living, breathing, talking creature, it obviously doesn't want to be eaten, so it runs away from the boy. He chases the baby ginseng through the forest, it hops into a tree, the boy follows and gets bit by a poisonous snake who's hiding out in the tree. He falls and hits the ground writhing in pain. Realizing that the boy will die if he doesn't intervene, the baby ginseng root hovers over the him releasing some kind of mystic ginseng smoke. He announces that the wound is too bad and that the only way to save the boy is to call upon his ancestor, the 1000 year old Ginseng King.

From the shadows ascends our hero, the Ginseng King. As he approaches you realize it's either a midget or a child in a suit. Literally an anthropomorphic ginseng suit. What would a ginseng root look like personified? Lumpy, beige, stringy in places, knobby with big ol' bug eyes like Marty Feldman. The ugliest thing I've ever seen AND the cutest thing I've ever seen. He comes to the boy, breathes his magical ginseng smoke over him, then blows some in his mouth bordering on awkward/inappropriate. The boy wakes up just long enough to catch a glimpse of his saviour, then the Ginseng King disappears into the night. The boy's health is restored and he goes home.

Now the Ginseng King is wandering through the forest and he's suddenly being hunted by these goon-faced ninja guys. They're chasing him because, if a tiny little baby ginseng has these astonishing powers of longevity, a one thousand year old human sized ginseng must be bursting with magical properties. In fact, rumor has it, the 1000 year old ginseng can even RAISE THE DEAD.

While running from the goons he encounters a young woman who appears to be a in peril. Fleeing from the same guys I suspect, so they stick together and continue their escape. It seems as though they are safe and then the girl reveals her villainous intentions, she's with the goon-dudes and it was a trick! She grabs him and he uses his magical ginseng power to electrocute her with video toaster laser lightning! She propels back, he shoots into the air like the magical ginseng man that he is and starts aimlessly flying around like a deflating balloon. In his flight, he loses a single whisker. It falls on a grave, and you remember what I told you about the Ginseng King's power of resurrection, right?

"Outta here!"

Cut back to the boy's hut. His mother is ill and you realize that's why he was trying to capture the wiggling baby ginseng. He's nursing his poor mother back to health. He didn't find much but he makes her some herbal tea from what he was able to acquire. He tries to tell her about the 1000 year old Ginseng King, but she shrugs it off as his childish musings. Suddenly in bursts a ZOMBIE. A pretty large and intimidating zombie. This guy's no joke. He chases the mother and son through the hut, fucking shit up, destroying their home. Sharing a noticeable likeness to a Hong Kong Jiangshi (Hopping vampire), vaguely reminiscent of scenes from Encounters of a Spooky Kind or Mr. Vampire. They run up into the loft and he's so large he breaks the ladder while attempting to go after them. He shakes the load bearing pillars supporting the loft. He's going to bring the whole house down! The mother reminds the boy that the Monk on mountain may be their only hope. He leaps right over the zombie-vampire and bolts for help.

When he returns with the Monk, the house is destroyed, the zombie-vampire is gone and the mother is laying idly having been drained of most of her blood. Barely alive, the Monk is skeptical of whether or not he can help her. The boy tells him about the 1000 year old Ginseng King hoping it will inspire optimism. The Monk dismisses it saying that that the herbal deity is just a legend. While the Monk is attempting to restore the mother's health, the zombie returns! Chaos momentarily ensues until the creature abruptly stops to "salute" the Monk. Everyone pauses in confusion, but this wasn't an ordinary salute it was more like a "sieg heil". I thought, surely that didn't happen. I noticed the opposite facing swastika (symbol of well-being) on the Monk's sash and thought "I MUST  be projecting this, SURELY". Then it it happened AGAIN and the Monk takes notice. He realizes that the swastika is controlling the zombie and while it's never directly stated he mentions that the creature is clearly "foreign", he knows because he's wearing a uniform. Then he touches the band on his arm. So yes, there is indeed a NAZI ZOMBIE in this Taiwanese fantasy flick about living flying Ginseng gods. Yes. It happened, it exists. We can all go home now. The greatest movie ever made has been discovered. I'm shutting the blog down. GOODBYE.

I could go on describing every detail of the film play by play but then there'd be nothing left to experience for yourself. After defeating the zombie in a most EXPLOSIVE way, the evil girl and her goon-faced-goblin-ninja-dudes finally capture the Ginseng King. The rest of the film is the boy and his elderly companion "Grampa Earthgod" and their journey to rescue "Grampa Ginseng" (which is what they affectionately start referring to him by half way through the film - lots of Grampas in this universe).

Is it all making sense yet?

Lots of incredible characters are introduced along the way. My favorites being "Magic Eyes and Magic Ears", two giant gods who live in a cave with the power to see and hear anything at any distance. More lumpy awkwardness from these two gents, and their friend "long legs" has the ability to travel great distances from literally having the longest legs in the world. He travels 12,000 miles with every step!

Then of course there's the alternate namesake of the film, the Three Headed Monster, our big bad boss. But honestly, despite his coolness, by this time in the film you're kind of zoning out from sensory overload. I don't mean to fall into ellipses of praise but this movie's just too rad for words! Over the past year I've been falling more and more in love with the exploitation films of Taiwan and the Ginseng King has tipped me over the edge.

I found very little background information in my research. I can't help but wonder if the character of the Ginseng King is just a one-off for the film or if it's rooted in some kind of folklore. I know that there IS such a thing as thousand year old ginseng and it's considered to be very potent and costs somewhere around $65 an ounce. I can't help but wonder if the idea behind the film was conceptualized by some devout consumer of ginseng wanting to make a PSA for children to take their vitamins. Kind of a long shot but it made ME want partake in more Ginseng so if that is the case, it worked.

Just the fact that a movie like this exists and I didn't know about it until recently gives me tremendous hope for the future. I usually don't worry about running out of bizarre little gems to watch,  but after a bit of a dry spell it's impossible not to question when your next obsession will find you. And I'm so glad that the Ginseng King found me. Life will surely not be the same.

Mini Reviews: 7 Lucky Ninja Kids, The Godfarter 3, Goddess Bunny Channels Shakespeare, Pink Narcissus

I'm trying to watch 365/365 this year. I was way behind schedule for about a month and a half when I was transitioning between jobs. Now that things have leveled out I've made it a personal goal to catch back up. That means watching on average two movies a day, and I'm almost all caught up. When I started I was around 50 movies behind, now I only have 7 to go! Some days when I'm in the right mood and have nothing else going on I can marathon 4 or 5 movies which has helped me catch up alot. I'm kind of just rambling here but my point is, I'm watching a lot of movies in rapid succession.

You may have noticed that I added some categories to the side panel. I'd like to keep adding them as they develop. I put Mini Reviews at the top because I've already written so many short bulk reviews. They're kind of like rant-y movie journal entries, which is fun for me. Also, it's impossible to review ALL of the movies I watch. Maybe some writers could do it but it takes me too long just to crank out one. At least with mini-reviews I can mention a few other goodies that I didn't have the time or the mindspace to write full reviews for.

One recent treat I had the pleasure of seeing was 7 Lucky Ninja Kids. A Taiwanese all-kid kung-fu comedy from 1986. A friend had recommended it to me a while back, so when I saw it at the video store with the tagline "Awesome Skateboard Riding, Pizza Eating Group of Mini Ninjas!" - I knew it had to be mine. It seemed to be set in a world where it was ok for adults to punch kids in the face. The 7 kids are apart of some kind of ass kicking brigade and there's not a parent in sight. They get mixed up a diamond heist which leads to lots of Home Alone-esque kid vs. robber action. There's tons of copyright infringement going on with the soundtrack too. Amidst the flying kicks you'll catch snippets of pop songs and film scores. I definitely heard John Carpenter's Halloween theme a few times awkwardly placed in a fight scene. It reminded me a little of Sammo Hung's "My Lucky Stars" only with kids and less small-dick jokes. It was a lot of fun though I must say, the only real disappointment was the lack of skateboard riding or pizza eating. That was completely misleading.

I discovered a bizarre little short film called The Godfarter 3 which was actually a homemade SOV screen test for gonzo actor Timothy Carey in attempt to get cast in the Godfather part III. Despite his respectable career featuring roles in the Wild One, Paths of Glory and the Killing of a Chinese Bookie, he's perhaps best known for his magnum opus, which he wrote directed and starred in, the World's Greatest Sinner. It could also be accurately described as the world's greatest vanity piece! With its absurd plot and his unusual acting style it's truly an inspired cult masterpiece. The Godfarter 3 on the other hand is a train wreck. If you're blinded by Carey fangirlism like me, you'll get a kick out just seeing him deliver stagnant lines over blaring opera music and making terrifying faces into the camera. The film itself is only 7 minutes long but afterwards there's an additional 15 minutes or so of interview footage which was far more entertaining. Apparently Francis Ford Coppola wanted him for the first two Godfather's but he turned it down saying he'd only be doing it for the money. So in turn he requested an enormous amount if he were to actually accept the role (make sense? not really). Coppola was no longer interested. One of the most infamous Carey stories is that during on the of the readings he pulled a gun out of a lunch box and shot both Francis Ford Coppola and Martin Scorsese with blanks. He was promptly escorted off of the property.

Another bit of outsider cinema I had the pleasure of experiencing was "The Goddess Bunny Channels Shakespeare". I found it on VHS at Poo-Bah records inside the box for ANOTHER Goddess Bunny movie called "The Ma Barker Story" (which appears to be autographed though I can't make out the name). I was disappointed that it wasn't the right movie but since it was still Goddess Bunny, I got over it quick. If you're unfamiliar with Goddess Bunny do yourself a favor and youtube her. She was a famous drag queen from the 80's/90's who had suffered from Polio as a child which made her spine underdeveloped. Her performances are quite a spectacle. When I saw her most famous video simply titled "The Goddess Bunny" years ago, it wasn't something I would soon (or ever) forget. Stumbling upon what appears to be a legitimate independent release of one of her films is pretty much the find of a century. It's mostly her, and some fellow performers/friends drunkenly reciting Shakespeare (and then some other play which I'm pretty sure is not Shakespeare). Much like the Godfarter 3, it's an odd character study that would probably only be enjoyed by big fans or a glutton for punishment. You've been warned.

I finally saw the candy colored phallus in wonderland , Pink Narcissus. Some serious queer arthouse action. A vast rainbow of pearls, chiffon and boners. Stylistically reminiscent of Kenneth Anger's work (though much more Homo-erotic, as I recall Anger's work being a bit more subtle), it's basically an extended sexual fantasy of one man dreaming of an arabesque garden of other perfectly endowed men. Clocking in at 71 one minutes, I felt it could have been a little shorter. With no real narrative, just high octane sexually driven visuals after about 45 minutes you're kind of ready for the end. As it is, I'm ready for this review to end.

That's it for today kids. Until next time...

Child of Peach - 1984/1987

As you may know, I have a particular fondness for foreign, weird, archaic or just plain horrible kids movies. Despite having seen lots of other Asian fantasy flicks, but I realized that Taiwanese films, at least as far as family films are concerned, are relatively new to me. So I was more than up for the challenge. My  introduction to the world of Peach Kid was by stumbling upon a clip from the second film on youtube while doing some cultural mining. I plan to review that film later, but if you'd like to see the clip, click HERE, it's only 34 seconds and will make you a believer.

So I sought it out (plus the sequel) and let it collect dust for a few months, as I do, before finally feeling the need to engage in some cute Taiwanese kung-fu fantasy peach loving weirdness. Thankfully my copy had subs, but they were very soft and bleeding through the image at times so much squinting was involved. The story begins with a family living in an enchanted (or is it radioactive?) garden. A man and woman along with  their baby, protect a mystic sword and are aided by three anthropomorphic animal children. One, a "cock" (or just "bird" if you prefer, which in this case I do as it is not a term I find easy to use in reference to a kid running around in a feather suit), another, a dog and the last, a monkey. These animal children can shape shift at will and despite their petite childlike frames, are little magical fighting machines. One day a villainous tokusatsu looking bad guy named "King Devil" comes along to steal the mystic sword. A fight ensues, the animal children are blasted out of frame and the man protecting the sword, the garden and it's inhabitants is killed. His wife is struck by some kind of laser beam as well and I can only assume she eventually dies too because, the last we see of her is placing her baby inside a giant peach (who without hesitation sends it's pit flying to make room) and instructs a magical little fairy (who decided to pop in unexpected) to make sure the peach takes good care of her baby. End scene.

The giant peach, which can fly by the way takes the baby far away until it finally encounters an elderly childless couple. Though at first the peach is off put by the couple since, naturally, they try to eat it. An extended chase/fight scene follows where at one point the granny is set on fire and the peach "pisses" on her to put it out. I'm not kidding about that part. At first I was like "oh, it's just peach juice", but the old lady announces that it's salty and then becomes increasingly angry because the peach uses her as it's own personal toilet. It even says "piss" in plain English on the screen.

see?

After all of this chaos ensues, the peach is pretty much over the whole thing and is ready to decimate the oldies, when the fairy steps and and assures the peach that they're good people and would make perfect adoptive parents for the little peach baby. So, out hatches Child of Peach.

From here on the story basically follows peach child growing (very quickly) and developing his super strength. When Peach Kid becomes a big Peach Kid, the audience may notice that he's a bit on the effeminate side. That's because, the actor they chose to play Peach Kid is actually an actress. Lam Siu-Lau, who made a whole mess of fantasy action flicks in the 80's, all of them I'd like to see. When King Devil begins his reign over the village, using the power of the stolen sword, Peach Kid steps in to defeat King Devil and his group of demonic minions. There's one particularly cool scene where we get to see King Devil in what I can only assume is Hell (wouldn't "King Devil" be Satan?) and all of his demon lackies are kind of meandering through the foggy darkness in a somehow very effective Jigoku-esque scene that makes me totally not want to go to Hell. Totally. Because, you know, I needed Child of Peach to convince me.

The middle part of the movie lost me a bit. All of the action, fantasy, costumes, and special effects were great but occasionally with foreign films such as this, the humor is lost in translation, at least for me anyway. I notice it more in certain cultures and with certain genres more than others. Family films are tricky because they're meant to be light so lots of silliness and general joke telling gets thrown around. When you're not apart of that culture it can feel like a whole lot of filler. Thankfully, Child of Peach didn't lose my attention for too long before coming back strong with an amazingly fantastic finale that totally left me anticipating the next film in the series.

Kind of spoilery, but who cares...?

My two favorite moments in the final showdown against King Devil...

1. The animal children come back with a vengeance....

Those monkey arms are KILLIN' me!

for real though...

Now they are half animal/half human. Well...make that mostly human with obscure animal arms and generally disproportionate body parts.


2. We discover that when the peach is cut into pieces with the mystic sword, it reassembles itself to me a marrionette-esque peach MAN.

WOW. you gotta see that thing in action. It's so fucking cute.

So Child of Peach was a success. My first Taiwanese kid's movie and it was a gem. And if the aforementioned youtube clip and all of this magical goodness wasn't enough to convince you to stick around for my review of the second film, perhaps this title card will do the trick.

Indeed, Magic of Stell.

Until next time, my beastly kittens...



P.S... I'm still a little confused about the year it was made. Several other review I've come across have said either 1986 or 1987. IMDB said 1984 but it also seemed to have the wrong actress listed as Peach Boy. Very confusing. If anyone cares to chime in I'd love to put this baby to bed.

P.S.S. All of the pictures used were borrowed from fellow bloggers because I'm a lazy fart. Sorry, guys. But check out Die Danger Die Die Kill and Golden Pigsy's sites. Both fine blogs who you should visit more often.

Chinese Super Ninjas (1982)

Some spoilers ahead, but the kind that make you want to see it even more...

Unfortunately I didn't have the pleasure of viewing the nice Tokyo Shock release of Chinese Super Ninjas (Ren zhe wu di) that was released earlier this year under it's alternate title Five Elements Ninja. I had the stretched out full screen dubbed version that was much sought out before the nice new edition. This didn't stop me from enjoying what's been called the best Kung-Fu movie ever made. It just made me aware that this masterpiece could actually be even better!


A group of martial arts experts are challenged to a battle with "the Elements", a group of super sly Ninjas that fight with the incredible gimmicks of Gold, Wood, Water, Fire and Earth. The first encounter with these elements is disastrous as our team of white cloaked good guys are slain one by one it gruesome ways! Saddened by the defeat the group starts training for a rematch. During this time two of the remaining fighters take in a beautiful slave girl who's being abused by her pimp uncle. As it turns out she's a spy for the Ninjas and because of her backstabbing tactics the entire group gets infiltrated and murdered. The Lady Ninja kills Brother Li, the brother of our protagonist, Shao Tien-hao.


click "read more" for picture and the rest of the review...