Whispering Pines 6,7,8 (2006)

There are few films I find to be a truly pure incarnation of my aesthetic. The 'Neon Boogers' category exists as a kind of sliding scale for the qualities I look for. Sometimes I'm a little more lenient in gauging whether or not a film is deemed a 'Neon Booger', but other times its so glaring it's like the filmmaker and I share the same brain.

Whispering Pines is a series of shorts created by and starring Shana Moulton as 'Cynthia', a woman who's on a personal journey of betterment through manufactured objects and self-exploration. There's an every-woman-ness about Cynthia. She reads the magazines, buys the products, lives her life in a constant limbo of health and beauty fads. There's a commentary at work here but before I get into that I need to discuss the cosmetic appeal of the world Shana Moulton has created for 'Cynthia'.

The character may have an emptiness inside of her, but like me, she's a tchotchke queen. The placement of objects in itself is an art. Muted pastels, house plants, marble side tables and trinkets from the Asian dollar store. The sets look like shoe-string Ettore Sottsass installation, with a dash of Leslie Hall. So while I'm fully aware that there's an anti-establishment  message, I too am seduced by Cynthia's synthetic reality.

There are five episodes before the three I'm covering here and I believe two after, but these three (and a random episode 3 on youtube) seem to be the only available ones on the net. As they came together attached in one swoop, I'm reviewing them as one film. Like a mini-anthology.


Episode 6:

While doing a puzzle of a waterfall, Cynthia realizes she's missing the final piece. Panicked, she searches the living with no avail. Feeling lost, she finds herself in a New Age store that sells waterfall statues. She buys yet another waterfall for her home in hopes that the sound of the rippling water will give her the clarity she needs to find the missing puzzle piece. Once home all of the water devices are turned on, including an electric waterfall picture. She plays a meditation tape and the sounds put her body in a state of emotional out-pour. Once enlightened she knows to look deep inside the waterfall picture for the missing puzzle piece. As she places the final piece in the center of the puzzle the camera zooms in to reveal Cynthia's own crying face in the water.

Episode 7:

While gazing upon herself in a vanity mirror, Cynthia notices some unsightly black heads. She reaches for her holographic box which contains several packets of pore strips. The camera zooms in on her black stippled nose as she performs her skin care ritual. As she patiently waits for the strip to dry she stares at her distorted image in the mirror. Suddenly a sphinx-like creature with her own face appears. It sings "Now That I'm a Woman" from the Last Unicorn. A song about the unicorn's sad transformation from a strange creature to an ordinary woman. Little pore strips fly around them like doves. The sphinx disappears and she slowly removes her pore strip to reveal an inspirational quote from 'Jonathan Livingston Seagull'.

Episode 8:

Best for last. Unsatisfied with the state of her plant arrangement, Cynthia embarks on a Crystal Light induced creative journey in sand art. She listens to Enya's 'Orinoco Flow' and re-imagines her once drab vase. She dumps colored craft store sand, pearls, plastic gems and fake flowers in a casserole of kitsch. She creates designs in sand directly on the table, embellishing them with crystals. Her whole house comes to life. Soon all of her plastic belongings are singing and dancing. One by one she adds them to the magical concoction of ornamental decor, creating a Chakra of artificial soil for her new flower arrangement. Once finished she places the vase by the couch and immediately begins to feel unfulfilled despite her new creation. After a few moments have passed, the vines from the arrangement grow into a magical ladder. She climbs it and enters a door that transports her to a lively rave set to an electronic remix of  'Orinoco Flow'. She joins the party until she realizes that she's just been poisoned by the Crystal Light and that it was all and hallucination. She vomits herself back to reality.

I have this thing for commercial meditation products. I collect new age cassettes and nature videos whenever I encounter them at thrift stores. The idea that this analog version of nature can bring you some kind of inner peace is fascinating. When I started collecting these types of things I was doing it in an ironic way. There was something "funny" about it. But I've discovered there is kind of a science to it. When I listen to or watch this stuff, I think it may actually work. Or at least I think it's working while I'm participating. Like some kind of neo-shamanic ritual of the digital age. Put on a tape and all of your problems will melt away. Cynthia is a prime target for this kind of advertising duplicity. When you look in a magazine and see lots of happy women, the idea is if you do as they do you also will be happy. It could be as little as one product that changes your whole life. Cynthia aspires to be the woman on the Biore box and to feel like she's in a Crystal Light commercial. That's the witchcraft of consumerism, the promise of the thing you desire leads to a momentary high and then an empty realization that not only does it not work but you're worse off than before. Shana Moulton has created a really likable character and Universe to satire these ideas.

As a multi-media artist, Moulton's work has been limited to mostly galleries. Still active today, you can see a few excerpts on her Vimeo. I'm not sure if a commercial release is her style, but if that were to ever happen I'd be first in line to own these brilliant pastel fever dreams.

Carlos Castaneda: Enigma of a Sorcerer (2004)

I'm telling you guys, Hulu is a hotbed of unexplored terrain. I'm not sure what their process of choosing what to stream is but if you dig around a little, it's chocked full of the weirdies. I stumbled upon this Castaneda documentary with every intention of giving it a serious viewing that would potentially lead to my learning something. Before I proceed, let me just say that I'm only familiar with Castaneda by reputation. I know he was a writer, turned guru. I know he took psychedelics and found some enlightenment, a subject I'm always open to. I knew of the character Don Juan, but nothing specific. I was hoping Enigma of a Sorcerer would clear a few things up

As a documentary, this film is a failure. Made by a former follower of the Shaman, a group of fringey kooks talk about what it was like to study under Carlos Castaneda. As the film immediately loses focus, I remained in a state of confusion for the duration of the documentary. I thought less and less of him as the film went on. An over-sexed flaky false prophet. The followers themselves are more fascinating, particularly "The Witches", who were basically his wives. There was one librarian-looking lady with a turtleneck and a prince valiant Church bob who tells some amusing stories with the haze of someone who'd been recently probed by aliens.

I love her.

The dialog was tangent-like and expresses conflicting views from person to person. Not in an unbiased journalistic way. I sensed that the filmmaker himself hadn't made up his mind about the time he spent with Castaneda. There was a huge portion of the film dedicated to whether or not anyone should be sad that he's dead. No one seemed to like him, except for his harem. Castaneda's views weren't fully formed, or at least that's how it sounds coming from the mouths of his students. I walked away viewing him more as a cult leader than a Shaman. The stories of toxic competitive relationships between the witches and his inaccurate descriptions of the harsh desert environment paints him to be nothing but a hack. Was Carlos Castaneda just a failed L. Ron Hubbard?

The rave-like graphics swirling behind the speakers are perfection. This was made in 2004 but reads as a hard '98. I felt like I was staring at the cover of an "Adventures Unlimited" book under the influence of ecstasy for an hour and a half. The techno-spiritual music with Native American chants in the background needs to be coming out of my speakers right NOW. If you have any interest in strange science, outsider fringe videos, if love that episode of Tim and Eric's Awesome Show "The Universe" or if you're just a fan of outdated computer graphics, you might want to give this a shot. It certainly kept me entertained.

Holiday Horrible-Thon Part 2: Deck My Balls/No Dawgz Allowed

I'm starting to deplete my once bountiful reservoir of horror related Christmas movies. This all stemmed from Jack Frost and Black Christmas becoming perennial regulars, a tradition echoed in many horror fans' routine.  But honestly, there are few movies I watch over and over again every year. I'm constantly searching for something new. Going through the belated-to-me Silent Night, Deadly Nights and discovering rare beauties like 3615 Code Pere Noel and Feeders 2 is what it's all about! This year was my first since doing these intense holiday marathons that I worried I was running out of ammo. My made-for-tv and non-horror garbage fart peccadilloes will aid me in this never-ending project. These are the most notable, including a few of the worst. There were certainly better Christmas movies than a few of these, but these are the ten I've chosen to discuss for the following reasons..,


10. Alien Sex Party (2003)

It's becoming a trend that the worst movie I see all year happens to be one of the wretched Christmas choices I make. This one looked pretty dumb but with a title like Alien Sex Party, Presented by MOBY no less, it could be fun?  There was of course a good chance it would completely suck, but I couldn't have foreseen the level of suck. The only thing I hate more than a self-fellating Kevin Smith movie, is a pretentious rip-off of a self-fellating Kevin Smith movie. Alien Sex Party is openly trying to be Clerks, in a porn shop. I'm not one to give Clerks any credit, but it obviously had some kind of impact because shit like this was made. The actor who plays 'Dante' even makes a cameo. Filled with nauseating forced dialog, attempting to sound "real". Describing sex acts to "shock" the audience. The whole thing was extremely painful and had my face contorted to a permanent cringe. I have no idea why Moby would have anything to do with something like this, which is of course why he later tried to distance himself from it. This wasn't only the worst Christmas movie I saw, it was the worst I saw in 2015. Thinking back to last year, it gives "Yule Die" a run for it's money too, making this the worst, most difficult movie I've endured in several years. Every minute felt like years were taken off my life. It's times like this I wonder why I force myself to watch bad movies anyway, movies like this make me re-think my whole philosophy on movie watching because I can't do this shit. Next time I'm met with such misfortune as a Clerks rip-off, I'm turning the goddamn tv off and going to bed forever.





9. Santa With Muscles (1996)

Anytime the catalyst for a plot is amnesia in a movie, you know you're in for a winner. Throw Hulk Hogan in a Santa hat in the mix and you've got yourself a cult classic. At some point in Hulk's career, he was an unstoppable force. Movies, tv, toys, he was everywhere. None of the movies he starred in make any sense and are watchable by normal standards but the sight of him makes it all forgivable. This came out on the latter end of his success. Christmas movies are the tell tale sign of dying (or dead) stardom. There are no surprises here, it's just a comfort. It's Hulk Hogan interacting with kids dressed as Santa, it's like a lullaby. That's my story and and I'm stickin' to it.





8. Tales from the Third Dimension (1984)

This Anthology horror film starts with two un-notable, non-seasonal segments. The final segment is about two kids who go to Grandma's house for Christmas while their parents go to Hawaii only to discover that Granny has run out of meds and is a nutjob. She, in various ways (comically) tries to hurt, kill or just scare the kids throughout their stay. On Christmas Eve she chases them around the house with chainsaw, in her wheelchair mind you. The segment ends with an expected and very satisfying conclusion. You could almost skip the first two segments completely and go straight to the seasonal favorite next Christmas!



7. Frostbiter: Wrath of the Wendigo (1995)

A long time ago I had a goal of seeing every movie in Troma's huge distribution catalog. I have seen a lot but now it's a more passive goal. Any time I have the chance to chip away at it a little I feel a real sense of satisfaction. Much like, Winterbeast, which I watched last year, Frostbiter isn't necessarily a Christmas movie. It's a snow monster movie, which I like to throw in the mix for seasonal posterity. Frostbiter is about a Wendigo monster (ancient Indian forest spirit beast, kinda Sasquachian) that terrorizes hunters and local forest folk. Low budge, but made with love. Nice practical effects, stop motion and lighting. Has some Things moments, and is clearly influenced by Evil Dead. Some pretty awful musical choices were made but it's forgivable. Would make a perfect double feature with the aforementioned Winterbeast. Nice and eazzzzy.



6. I'll Be Home For Christmas (1998)

I'm not gonna lie, I've missed JTT. I was the right age when he was being forced down every adolescent girl in America's throat. I may have even had a crush on him, who knows, I had a crush on everyone. Lion King and Home Improvement aside, his body of work was mediocre and with time and has only become less remarkable. This is not a slight towards JTT, his output was simply a product of the times and the age demographic. By the time "I'll Be Home For Christmas" came out I was beyond over movies starring former Tiger Beat heart throbs. Even at age twelve this kind of thing seemed incredibly square. Then you grow up and the things you rejects become appealing simply for being vaguely connected to your youth. I'm taking the long way in explaining why I picked "I'll Be Home For Christmas", but the truth is, like the dog movies, I don't really know why I settle for these things. It must be neurological. The shocking part about this one is that I kind of liked it. JTT is a student going to college in LA, his Dad bribes him with a porche if he can get home in New York by Christmas. Predictable road trip hi-jinks ensure, and he's stuck in a Santa suit. It is indeed a messy little cliche'd piece, but it's not without it's charm. There was an unexpected kitshiness that I relish. In one scene he's stuck with a bunch of Grannies on their way to see Tom Jones in Vegas.

"I'm JONESin' for TOM!" 

This is as "me" as any still from any JTT movie will ever be. It turns out director Arlene Sanford also directed 'A Very Brady Sequel'. Mystery solved, she rules.






5. A Mom For Christmas (1990)

It wouldn't be Christmas without a made-for-tv movie or two about some orphaned state of childhood. This was background fodder but ended up being one of the most enjoyable shit-shows of the season. Nice little festive Mannequin rip-off. Olivia's here being beautiful, ditzy and pretending to be Mom-like to this motherless girl. There's no chemistry between her and the Dermot Mulroney/Clu Gullagher love-child-clone-dad but it's all apart of the charm. Also, there are these weird soul-less mannequins. They represent a Mannequin hell or something, this could be Olivia's fate if this whole Christmas Mom thing doesn't work out...

4. Mr. St. Nick (2002)

Kelsey Grammar plays the spoiled son of Santa and it's almost time for him to take over the family business. But does he really want to give up his sweet bachelor life in Miami? This one is conceptually weird from the get-go. Frasier (we're just calling him Frasier for short, ok?) wants to start a website so he can ease into the role of Santa without disrupting his chilled out beach life. Why go through the physical process of Santa Clausing when he can just rely on the innernetz. Corrupt Hollywood types, immigration scares, and Frasier in a red suit and tie instead of a traditional Santa suit. It all comes together in a malady of Holiday awfulness. Basically only watch this if you're truly inspired by the site of Frasier on the beach, with palm trees, dressed as Santa. You could probably get the same satisfaction from staring at the box.

Oh yeah.

And also, mock turtle neck...



and also...

"...I'm listening"







3. Becoming Santa (2011)

Now let's get serious for a sec. It's been a long time, years, decades even, since I've been moved by a Christmas movie. This documentary on professional Santas is the first time I've "felt something" in this notoriously awful sub-genre. A man finds a picture of his recently deceased father dressed as Santa. Surprised and effected by the image, having no living relatives left, he decides to dedicate his life for the next month and a half to transforming into a professional Santa for a season. He bleaches his hair and beard, goes to Santa school, and has a beautiful red suit made just for him by a talented woman named Adele who owns the coolest costume shop in Hollywood (that I've been fortunate enough to work with!). He soon realizes that he has natural talent for it. He's charismatic and brings to life. The film interviews professional Santas from all walks of life and they all have this little something that's really benevolent and touching. If there's one straight forward Christmas movie I recommend, it's this one.



2. 

it's a TIE!

Everything is Terrible! Holiday Special & Christmas Torture

I can't choose between these two! Similar in spirit, Everything is Terrible is know for their amazing mash-ups. Snow dogs, Jingle Cats, aging celebrities and endless hilarity. Christmas Torture, put out by the Lost Media Archive might not be quite as quick and joke-y, but makes up for it in obscurity. With clips from Miss Velma's Christmas Special and the Christmas Martian, it's a real noodle scratcher. Very little overlapping of sources, these two specials are on an equal playing field and both deserve a spot in your holiday rotation.




1. Christmas Evil (1980)

OK Guys, here's the deal. I could have SWORN I had already seen this. I even had it marked as "watched" on letterboxd. But my memory seemed vague, like it had been too long. I was due for a re-visit, and was recently reminded that it's John Waters' favorite Christmas movie so I threw it on as rewatch. I was shocked to learn that I had NEVER seen this movie and had a completely false memory of I guess some other mystery Christmas movie this whole time. Once I absorbed the shock from this revelation, I experienced Christmas Evil for THE FIRST TIME. Killer Santas are a dime a dozen, but this one feels different. I believe it's one of the earliest Killer Santas (the only other that comes to mind is in Tales from the Crypt a solid eight years prior). You might expect something along the lines of Silent Night Deadly Night, and you'd be right in that assumption. A little less slasher-y and transitional but it deals with Santa related childhood trauma. Though, less significantly here he simply sees his Dad dressed up as Santa doing sexy stuff with his Mom, rather than SNDN where the kid sees a Santa murder his whole family. I can't help but wonder about these characters who become killers because of something as simple as seeing adults have sex. Like, get the fuck over it. What unfolds is fairly dark though sensational character study of a man who works at a toy factory transforming into a killer Santa. He watches the children of the neighborhood, makes a list, checks it twice, the whole schitck. This take is a little different, and better than basically all of the ones that came after it. This might be the king of Killer Santa movies. Despite my having a light Christmas horror year, I'm pleased to have finally (actually) added this to the cannon.


That's all folks! I'm a few days late on Part two, so it's now 2016. I hope everyone had a great Holiday, cheers to keeping up with this blog regularly this year!