The Room (2003)

Spoilers Ahead!

Ok people, where the hell have I been? Apparently this movie and it's overwhelming cult status have been sweeping the Country for God knows how long and I'm just now finding out about it. A friend on Facebook asked me if I'd seen it. I'd never even heard of it, so I watched the clips he sent me and IMMEDIATELY bumped it to the top of my Netflix que. I had a to wait a whole weekend to see it and let me tell ya... pure torture. I spent the entire weekend watching any youtube video with Tommy Wiseau's name attached to it. It was becoming clear that I was onto a new favorite movie.

To sum it up, it may just be the best worst movie ever made. There is so much wrong with it you'll find yourself looking for anything decent, functional or coherent about it. It's almost hard to believe that there's a plot, but somehow something is there!

 A successful banker named Johnny is madly in love with his "sexy" fiance Lisa, but her boredom and selfishness has lead her to seduce his best friend Mark. All the while, getting every single person they know involved in their affair. Since that synopsis sounds like I could have read it from the back of the box, let me break it down for you...

• Successful Banker Named Johnny - The first time I watched this movie (yes, first time, as in, I watched it TWICE...in a row.) I did not notice any mention of what his profession was. In the second viewing I realized he does slur the word "bank" in his usual guttural fashion.
• "Sexy" Fiance Lisa - Ok, let's be honest. Despite the male cast repeatedly reminding us that Lisa is "beautiful", who are we trying to kid? Let's start from the top: brassy peroxide hair with nappy roots, black eyebrows, old man big pickle nose, potato shoulders and a wardrobe that consists of mostly clothes from Fashion Bug. At BEST, she looked like pre-nose job Courtney Love. Only, she's about as alluring as a venerial disease.
• Seduce - let's talk about cliche's, shall we? Candles. Red dress. Red Roses. Petals on the Bed. Silk Sheets. Sheer Drape Over Bed, and most importantly Sensual Urban Music.

The other Characters include, Denny the orphaned college kid who Johnny (Wiseau) has pretty much adopted. Which makes no sense because he's an adult. He has an unhealthy obsession with both Lisa and Johnny. He does incredibly creepy things like jump into bed with them pre-coitus for a pillow fight before reasoning that he just "likes to watch you guys." They say "aww" and give him a pat on the head before sending him off so they can mix their ungulating bodily fluids. Then there's Claudette, Lisa's mother who doesn't care about anything but her daughter's financial security. One of the most refreshing characters (and actors) in the whole movie with moments like "Well, I got the test results back, I definitely have breast cancer." They also have a group of fucktard friends whose names (although repeated 50 times) I didn't bother to remember.

It's shocking that this was made in 2003. It REALLY feels like late 80's/early 90's. I've questioned the sincerity of it. As I'm sure a lot of you have. HOW could this be unintentional? At least on some level. Tommy Wiseau - who wrote, directed and starred in this narcissistic self-indulgent disaster - claims that everything went according to plan. It was intended to be a black comedy and he's happy with it's reception though he's huffy about certain critic's obvious responses. For the most part, I think that he's just going a long with it because of it's insanely trendy reception. Why not capitalize on it, right? Tim and Eric are working with him now. He was in an episode of Season 4 and they've been pushing to get his sitcom The Neighbors on Adult Swim. I'm still not sure if this is straight forward. Tim and Eric are known for mocking the very thing that is The Room. I've often wondered if David Liebe Hart or any of their other targets are completely in on the joke. Surely they must be. If by some stretch of the imagination, the Room and Tommy Wiseau's essence are fabricated like some elaborate Sacha Baron Cohen character, I would bow down to his genius. But until disproven, I can only assume he's a hulking goon with the longest buttcrack known to man...

I've barely even talked about the man himself! Johnny, aka, Tommy Wiseau. I want to start by saying that, to my personal taste in men, he is the most revolting creature I've ever seen. That stringy unkempt long black hair, strange deep set face muscles not to mention unnatural lumps and indentations all over his filthy rectangular body. What woman would want this?

Did anyone else notice the ridiculous use of primary colors in this film? And what about that amazing skyline on the roof? What about the obsession with tossing a football 4 feet away from eachother?

When discovering that his girlfriend and best friend have been falandering he loses control, humps her dress and blows his brains out.

Did he just jizz in his pants?

Finally.

This movie has brought me so much joy in the past few days. It's worth every bit of the hype. It's a remarkable achievement, even if it is a mistake. How many terrible movies end up being this entertaining anymore? This surpasses even some classic era baddies. I watched Fred Olen Ray's Cyclone a few days before this with every intention of reviewing it and all of it's 80's Motorbabe glory, but now I can't even think straight. The Room is so trashy and ugly that it can only be admired. It has redefined my views of bad and badd-er. Going even beyond that, challenging some of the worst movies of all time. There can only be one, and it is The Room. Not A Room. THE ROOM!