Microwave Massacre -1983

I feel almost ashamed for having never seen today's dose of absurdity. It's been a constant blip on my radar but there's always so much to see it somehow just kept getting put off. Until today! It's cold and rainy over here in Pasadena, which is a refreshing change since we were in a heat wave just a few weeks ago. The weather made me crave pizza and pajamas. Pizza and pajamas makes me crave 80's Shot on Video horror movies. Couldn't have picked a more perfect day to watch Microwave Massacre.

Donald is an average Joe. He works in construction and enjoys bologna sandwiches and cheese burgers. While his co-workers partake in simple manly lunches he's forced to endure over ambitious crab sandwiches (as in, an entire king crabs in the shell between bread) and other fancy schmancy fodder. All courtesy of his wife's new over-sized microwave, this is the case for all of his meals. She's such a horrid cook that he snaps, bludgeoning her with a giant pepper shaker. After waking up the next day from a post-murder black out, he discovers his dismembered wife in the microwave. Naturally, he wraps her pieces up in foil and keeps her in the freezer for safe keeping. At this point he decides to clean out all of her pre-made wrapped up meals, so in the garbage they go. He walks away, leaving the door opened which allows her hand rolls out into the pile of Lean Cuisine foolishness. Several hours or maybe even a day later he gets hungry and decides to eat the frozen food he had discarded OUT of the garbage (George Costanza style), which is pretty vile unto itself, only to discover that the delicious bloody meat he's enjoying is the arm of his late wife. Oh dear. From this point on the movie is a haze of him somehow luring sexy broads, mostly hookers but not exclusively, to his house where he makes a meal out of them.

Comedian Jackie Vernon (the voice of Frosty the Snowman!) plays Donald, in his final feature film. He has a Rodney Dangerfield-eque delivery and considering the material he handles the role with just the right amount of aloofness. Like this old timer comedian just kind of wandered on set one day and they offered him twenty bucks and a sandwich (hold the arm).

While I understand the wife's desire to create pretentious elegant dishes (refer to my instagram) I feel that the real message here is of the horrors and uselessness of microwave meals. I love flipping through old cookbooks in thrift stores, and even buying them if they're extra horrifying. It always astonishes me to see the things that were trendy to eat in the 50's-70's. It was more about convenience, color and how far it can stretch than freshness and edibility. Bad food plateaued in the 80's with the rising popularity of microwaves which led to a slew of  "Microwave Cookbooks". You know what I'm talking about. The ones that claim you can roast a whole turkey in that radiated death box. Microwave Massacre is clearly parodying this bullshit mentality. The combination of food and film, or better yet, food and horror films is one of my greatest pleasures. I'm rambling a bit here but what I'm saying is I totally understand Donald's plight and his wife probably deserved to die.

I always feel the need to give every movie I review some kind of thumb-up/thumb-down in case it isn't clear from the way I've discussed it. I rarely mention movies I don't enjoy, and even if they're tough and I rib on them a bit like Zombie 5 or Mad Doctor of Blood Island, I never regret watching them. This isn't even one of those instances, I absolutely loved Microwave Massacre. It reminded me of some of H.G. Lewis's later efforts mixed with some hyper-sexualized Russ Meyers cleavage shots, a likable doofus of a main character and lots of silly looking body parts. My only real disappointment with the film is that the microwave does not massacre anyone. Naturally I was expecting a classic case of "Killer Appliance", but I'm still quite content with the Blood Feast-like premise. The idea of organized suburban cannibalism is quaint. It's a gem of a film and if I must visually convince you....

P.S...I feel the need to add that that weird long man thumb does not belong to my dainty bird-like female hand.

P.S.S....also, I am aware that birds do not have hands.



Goodnight!

Mad Doctor of Blood Island - 1968

After the success of Brides of Blood, director Eddie Romero re-enlisted actor John Ashley to come back to the Philippines for a follow up. Having LOVED Brides of Blood I just assumed Mad Doctor would have all of the same qualities I found so appealing in its predecessor.

A group of people who travel to an island discover that a mad doctor is doing experiments on people turning them into green blooded zombie-like monsters. While green blooded zombies sound cool an all, Mad Doctor did not live up to Brides of Blood by any stretch. The print I watched was in pretty bad shape too. The hues were constantly changing. At certain moments it gave a cool Argento-like effect but mostly it was a distracting error. There was also this swift zoom-in/zoom-out camera shake thing that happened anytime there was danger. I've never been one of those people who gets motion sickness during shaky movie scene but this actually did give me a little bit of a headache. The Carlos character's weird over-dubbing and his Freudian relationship with his mother was the most captivating part o the film and even that novelty wore off after a while.

I must say though, the monster is pretty amazing looking.

I really don't have a whole lot to say about Mad Doctor of Blood Island. It would normally not make the cut of a film I felt deemed reviewing but in lieu of Schlocktober which means all horror watched this month must be acknowledged. While I wasn't terribly thrilled with it, I didn't go in expecting much more than a late night throw-away movie, and that's exactly what I got. So if you're up late and craving something island-y and gooey to nod off to, Mad Doctor of Blood island is just what the Mad Doctor ordered.


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Before I sign off, I should mention that I recently saw Insidious: Chapter 2. Though I had no intention of devoting an entire review to it, I feel for sake of maintaining an accurate list it needs to be cited. I'm very particular about reviewing modern movies. It's not that I don't watch or enjoy them, I just feel that there are hundreds and thousands of blogs and websites that discuss brand new movies and it rarely feels relevant here at Atomic Caravan. To sum it up briefly, I did enjoy the film. I don't want to get into any depth or summary but I felt it was a competent if not somewhat over indulgent follow up.

That's all!

Killer Nerd - 1991

At some point during this Schlocktober marathon I had intended to revisit some old favorites and finally give them some attention here on Atomic Caravan. I've been telling myself I'm going to rewatch Killer Nerd for the past decade! It became a drunken favorite back when I first got the Troma dvd around 2004. Something amazing to throw on when friends came around. I generally kept it, plus a stack of other Troma and Something Weird discs in rotation for such events. Not much has changed today but for whatever reason Killer Nerd kept getting put on the back burner despite my wanting to share it with my husband who's a big fan of American Splendor.

For those who don't know, Killer Nerd stars Toby Radloff, a self proclaimed "genuine nerd" who became famous for his portrayal in Harvey Pekar's comic American Splendor. His quirkiness got him a few appearances on MTV spots and eventually lead to the creation of Harold Kunkle, the Killer Nerd.

It's difficult to discuss the film and how delightfully charming Radloff is without sounding like I'm making fun of him. His unusual way of enunciating words mixed with his savant-like mannerisms and his cartoonish physical appearance make it impossible to describe him in any other way than with blunt frankness. In his own words, he is a genuine nerds. Inside and out. No acting ability necessary because he is basically playing himself. He would later reveal that he has Aspergers Syndrome and not until after the release of the film version of American Splendor did he come out of the closet as a homosexual. Not especially relevant to the film but he's such a unique individual, any information helps the picture come a little more into focus.

Harold Kunkle is having a hard time coping with his over-bearing mother and the lack of attention he's receiving from women. Jerks and bullies pick on him incessantly despite all of these adults being in their 20's and 30's. After an extensive and failed attempt to make himself cool enough to get babes courtesy of a mail-in video by an almost equal dork named "Slick Dick", Harold finally snaps killing basically every single other character that made an appearance in the movie.

While the horror elements of the film leave something to be desired, the build up is really what makes it worth while. Seeing Harold Kunkle go through his daily routine, eating cereal, having pie with his mother, chatting it up with his office crush, all while struggling with his terminal nerd-dom. These are the details of Killer Nerd that make it a cult classic. All of which is completely carried by Toby Radloff's sparkling personality, and I totally fucking mean that. I love this man. I wish he could narrate my life.

As far as I'm concerned Killer Nerd is a near perfect film. It "capitalized" (probably the wrong use of "capitalize" since I doubt anyone made any money off of it) on Toby Radloff's brief but deserved fame. While being a completely self aware shot on video horror comedy, there's something very sincere about Killer Nerd that makes it worthy. I'm glad after 10 years of procrastination I finally made time for it and that my initial impression remains.

This review came a little late in the evening. As I predicted, my October is shaping up to be a busy one. While I'm still maintaining a good pace, I expect to fall a little behind as the month progresses so bear with me. As long as we end up with at least 31 horror movies and 31 reviews, Schlocktober will be a success. Now I'm off to dream of Harold Kunkle and hopefully it won't be another 10 years before I can finally rewatch and review the equally lovable Bride of Killer Nerd...

Dreamboat

Abby - 1974

Exorcist rip-offs were plentiful throughout the 70's and 80's. None however were quite as bizarre as the blaxploitation spin, Abby. While on an Archaeological dig in Nigeria, Dr. Garret Williams (played by William Marshall) discovers a puzzle box covered with all kinds of boners and stuff. The box is depicting "Eshu", an African trickster and sex demon. When he opens the box a gust of wind explodes and the spirit of this deity travels across the world to inhabit his daughter in-law, Abby.

Abby, a mild mannered preacher's wife, begins to display some pretty wild behavior. Rowdy sexual appetite, speaking in different voices, general blaspheming, you know the drill. In proper Exorcist rip-off fashion, she gets a little out of control (mostly sexually) and William-Blacula-Marshall has to save the day. I love how Abby's face contorts into this awful primordial low ridged uni-brow creature, and it seems to change slightly between scenes.

Unlike the various other rip-offs, Abby caught a lot of heat for the uncanny similarities in plot which ended in a lawsuit against AIP, which is why the film will probably never have a proper release. The blaxploitation angle really adds a dimension of absurdity that gives the film a life of it's own. Don't judge me but I've never been a huge Exorcist fan. I appreciate what it is and what it did for the horror industry and I absolutely ADORE the sequel (it's a masterpiece, really. Shut your face). The original never particularly moved me. However, the dozens of imitations that it influenced have schlock appeal and Abby is the undefeated champion of ludicrous Exorcist rip-offs. From the amazing funk score to seeing the King of Cartoons in a dashiki performing an exorcism in a sleazy dive bar, Abby is untouchable.

It may not have reached the magnitude of the Exorcist but it certainly retains a place on the annals of cult movie history and is worth it's weight in sexually explicit demon possessed African artifacts.

Day 5 of Schlocktober and I'm still somehow on schedule! I plan to do some mini-reviews in the next few days so be sure to check back!

L'Inferno -1911

I've always had a soft spot for vivid depictions of Hell on film. I'm not a religious person so the envisionment of such a classical realm of nightmares is something that belongs in the more fantastic elements of fiction. That being said, L'Inferno was not only the first feature length film made in Italy but also the very first film adaption of Dante's Inferno.

As I'm sure you all know, the story follows Dante and his guide Virgil through the various circles of hell. Each segment being explained to us on a title card then shown in a vivid Goya-esque sequence of torment, deformities, strange beasties and sadness. Similar to the works of Georges Melies and Segundo de Chomon, the effects are absolutely stellar. In the dawn of the motion picture industry there was something really magical happening with costumes, effects and photography. Creatures in fantasy and horror films from the genesis of it's inception have a surreal and other worldly quality to them. Take the tiger from L'Inferno for instance. It doesn't look "real", but it moves in a way that doesn't look fake. I'm sure it's a trick of puppetry and the graininess of the film, but it gives a sense of unease that I can only compare to other creatures in other films from this time.

When I watch a film like L'Inferno, other film titles which it surely must have influenced dance through my head. Haxan: Witchcraft Through the Ages being at the top of the list. The similarity in how the devils and minions dance and writhe around is irrefutable. Even jumping forward to the 1960's with Jigoku and I would bet my bottom dollar it was one of Pasolini's favorite films. It's quite possible that every film version of Hell EVER was referring back to the Divine Comedy, but since L'Inferno beat them all to the punch I'd like to think of it as the ultimate influence of all film works of Hellish content. The added music by Tangerine Dream was at first a bit off-putting (mostly because of the vocals) but it grows on you and eventually feels like a natural part of the experience.

Sorry if this review is a little less in depth than most. It's a masterpiece of it's time and with it's exquisite visuals it leaves very little to critique. It breezes by at 70 minutes and is a staple to anyone silent horror collection.

 I give it five farts!

Zombie 5: The Killing Birds (1988)

It's doesn't really make any sense that I'm reviewing Zombie 5 before Dawn of the Dead, Zombi 2, 3 or 4. However, it's the last in the series that I hadn't seen and today I was craving something Italian and possibly dismissible, and unfortunately I got just THAT.

Firstly, if you haven't seen the others in the series this review won't give anything away because Zombie 5  is absolutely unrelated. Also, the title is completely misleading. There are neither Zombies nor Killing Birds in the movie. Well, kind of but not by my definition. There are BIRDS and they do pluck out a guy playing the younger version of Robert Vaughn's eyes (making that clear so you don't think we get to see Robert Vaughn himself get his eyes plucked out) but there's no real killing. There are zombie-looking creatures , or "lost souls" as one character labeled them but they don't eat people, they simply GRAB people. Violently, yes, but grabbing does not a zombie make. The whole movie just stagnates with filler and irrelevance.

 The plot alone leaves something to be desired. A group of college students travel to a swampland to meet with a bird specialist (the eyeless Robert Vaughn) to study a rare breed of woodpecker. Vaughn's character (who has maybe 5 minutes total of screen time) murdered his wife, her lover and their friends years ago and their bodies were never found. Now they wander around at night looking for "fear" to feed on (I told you, these zombies suck at being zombies). It's explained that they're kind of aimlessly looking for Vaughn but somehow his blindness handicaps his ability to feel fear. A bunch of young people are attacked by zombie-ghoul-things, but not until an hour into the film. Co-directed by Joe D'Amato, it's definitely one of his lesser efforts that I've seen. It reminded of the equally inadequate Fulci film Sodoma's Ghost which came out the same year. I believe I touched upon that film in a past mini-review. At least Sodoma's Ghost had monster boobs.

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It wasn't very good, I'm totally over it. Definitely the worst in the series. I would advise against wasting your time, but I was given the same advice and still felt it was necessary for completion. That being said, serious fans of the series only, everyone else can just move right on along.

I'll try to have something better for you guys tomorrow!

The Oily Maniac - 1976

Some movies have you reeled in the first time you hear the title. I really didn't care what Oily Maniac was, I needed in my life. Discovering it was a Shaw Brothers production was just a huge added bonus.

A crippled guy named Shen is given a magical spell by an old family friend who's about to be executed for accidentally killing a criminal. The criminal belonged to a gang of miscreants who are trying to steal the family's "coconut oil garden". The spell, which is more of a vengeance curse, requires Shen to dig a hole on the grounds of the oil farm and say some magical-spell-stuff while immersed in oil. What emerges is a big ol' slimy turd looking Swamp Thing-type monster who destroys any wrong doers, and there's no shortage of them running around the Coconut oil garden!

When Shen is not out gallivanting in a rubber diarrhea suit dousing himself in gasoline, he works as a legal assistant in a sleazy lawyers office. We get to see some really interesting cases. First, with a lady who falsely accuses her neighbor of rape. In a flashback sequence we see both sides of their story. When the Oily Maniac finally gets to her, it's through the spout of her lovely pink bathtub, which is in her lovely pink bathroom. I'm not sure if that's something even worth mentioning, but seeing the black oil come out of that Jayne Mansfield-esque bathtub was visually awesome.

 It was around this point in the film that I realized that Oily Maniac was noticeably more salacious than any other Shaw Brothers films I've seen. Lots of sexual situations, rape and more breasts than I've seen in any Hong Kong film made around this time aside from some Concubine themed blue movies.

Speaking of breasts...

One of the cases is against a doctor who did a botched boob job. The Oily Maniac takes care of her while she's literally sewing the virginity back on to a prostitute so her pimp can charge more. YES. This is happening.

The rubber suit isn't the most flattering during fight scenes (especially since the opening was flapping around in the back) but there are some fun effects. Seeing him liquefy into a puddle and transform back into a human was pretty interesting. By interesting I mean, cheap and passably effective. Oily Maniac lived up to and even surpassed my expectations. While it would make a great companion piece to the more supernatural works of the Shaw Brothers such as Black Magic or the Boxer's Omen, it works well on it's own as a completely insane hyperbolized homage to American Monster movies. There's a Hulk-like quality to the Oily Maniac. He gets angry because of one thing or another, a few squirts of motor oil later and he's ready to bash someone. I feel that it most certainly must have influenced the Toxic Avenger, or at least it did in my dreams. Regardless of influences and counterparts the Oily Maniac is an absolute essential genre film and I can only hope that it eventually gets the digital treatment that it truly deserves.

Day 2 complete! I'm not sure if I'm going to continue counting down the days at the end of my reviews leading up to Halloween, but it sure does feel right! No idea what kind of horror mayhem is in store for me today but you can be sure to find out first thing tomorrow on Day 3 of Schlocktober!

Spookies - 1986

I was recently discussing fun throw-away horror movies with a friend when he asked if I'd seen Spookies. I knew I owned it but couldn't recall having watched it. I wanted to kick off the Schlocktober marathon with something light and similar in spirit as the Hilarious House of Frightenstein since it was fresh on my palette. I was expecting a Gremlins/Ghoulies/Critters-esque tiny creature movie, but what I definitely was not expecting was the realization five minutes in that I in fact HAVE seen Spookies! What's worse is that it couldn't have been that long ago because I've only owned the film for a few years. I find it a bit worrisome that at the tender age of 27 my memory is already slipping. Not every detail was intact, perhaps I watched it in a party setting. After this more focused viewing I can definitely say it's a magical patchworked casserole of confused plots and monsters running amok.

The film is essentially two unfinished movies melded into one chaotic mess of bewilderment. The original story followed a group of teenagers (mostly played by actors in their 30's) who end up in a haunted house. One of the girls starts messing with a Quija bored and becomes possessed. This whole story line had a strong Night of the Demons vibe, and the possessed girl was harnessing some serious Angela realness. 

See what I mean??

The second story which was filmed later and re-edited to make an even less comprehensible spooktacular opus featured a sorcerer with a were-cat trying to reanimate his dead bride. It's all tied together by the notion that all the deaths by various demons via Angela-clone-Quija-mistress are sacrifices for the resurrection of his lady friend.

There were a few moments in the film that I feel are worth noting. Starting with a brief but memorable character in the graveyard at the beginning of the film. A young boy who has run away from home encounters a weird drifter dude hanging out in a tree. I was so sure this guy was going to turn out to be a monster of some kind. He was creepy, had a bit of a Lost Boys quality to him? It was such a small part but the general presence of the actor was strong and they really should have taken the character further. (apparently, I'm not the only one who thinks so.)

There were almost too many characters to keep track of but as far as the actual creatures I was quite taken with the farting zombies and the exploding grim reaper. The film was so charmingly jumbled that no more than 5 minutes went by without introducing a new monster. It had tinges of so many different films that I didn't even know where to begin making comparisons. Elements of Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama, the directing style of a masterpiece such as Dungeonmaster with shades of Andy Milligan. Really though, I can't think of a negative thing to say about Spookies aside from wanting more of the creepface drifter. Spookies serves it's purpose and left this viewer more than satisfied (at least the second time around).

It's like a Spirit Halloween store exploded on screen!

Day 1 accomplished! So far Schlocktober is off to a good start! Check back tomorrow for whatever ends up tickling my fancy later this evening. Will there be a wizard? a chainsaw? a cannibal? a house hold appliance? Who knows, but I'll try to make it a good one!

Happy Schlocktober!!

A few years back I did a little month long horror marathon which I lovingly called Schlocktober. A moniker and format I'm sure I'm not the first to devise. Around this time of year movie websites are abuzz with horror themed reviews and articles. Feeling more in the spirit this year than last, I decided to dust off my old Schlocktober tag and join in the festivities. The goal is to watch no less than 31 horror movies this month. Ideally, one film and in turn one review per day. Naturally I expect things to come up, especially this being my favorite time of year. I plan to do my fair share of gallivanting, but as long as I can squeeze at least 31 movies in this time frame and report my findings here, Schlocktober will be a success! I won't lie, this will be a challenge. Some entries will be full reviews, some will be nothing more than a poster and a blurb, and I'm sure there will be a few duds along the way.

To prepare I re-organized all of my vhs, dvds, files and bumped everything genre to the top of my netflix queue. At this rate I'm ready for the next 30 Schlocktobers! Think of this post as a prologue. Tomorrow will begin the actual reviews. If I plan it right, the final review will fall on November 1st, which appropriately is the Day of the Dead. To get myself in the spirit of this month long celebration I spent the day prepping and watching several episodes of my newest favorite show, the Hilarious House of Frightenstein which I only recently had the pleasure of experiencing for the first time.

A unique spin on Halloween themed kids shows that's conceptually similar to a Sid and Marty Kroft-esque variety show while melded with a horror host vibe. Starring the multitalented Billy Van in almost every role. It co-starred the Tor Johnson clone Fishka Rais (Cannibal Girls) and of course Vincent Price whose in his element, as always. This show feels so nostalgic that even having not grown up with it I feel a sense of attachment and familiarity. Should be accompanied with Count Chocula or Boo Berry. By the end of the day I was ready to run around in a cape (bed sheet) with candy corn fangs yelling "blah blah blah" (you know, in that satirical Dracula voice?). The show is obviously aimed at kids and being so light and campy, it was the perfect way to kick off the season. I plan to continue watching it intermittently as Halloween grows nigh.

I'm a little late in posting this as midnight has past, but you can anticipate somewhat prompt reviews in the weeks to come!