Abby - 1974

Exorcist rip-offs were plentiful throughout the 70's and 80's. None however were quite as bizarre as the blaxploitation spin, Abby. While on an Archaeological dig in Nigeria, Dr. Garret Williams (played by William Marshall) discovers a puzzle box covered with all kinds of boners and stuff. The box is depicting "Eshu", an African trickster and sex demon. When he opens the box a gust of wind explodes and the spirit of this deity travels across the world to inhabit his daughter in-law, Abby.

Abby, a mild mannered preacher's wife, begins to display some pretty wild behavior. Rowdy sexual appetite, speaking in different voices, general blaspheming, you know the drill. In proper Exorcist rip-off fashion, she gets a little out of control (mostly sexually) and William-Blacula-Marshall has to save the day. I love how Abby's face contorts into this awful primordial low ridged uni-brow creature, and it seems to change slightly between scenes.

Unlike the various other rip-offs, Abby caught a lot of heat for the uncanny similarities in plot which ended in a lawsuit against AIP, which is why the film will probably never have a proper release. The blaxploitation angle really adds a dimension of absurdity that gives the film a life of it's own. Don't judge me but I've never been a huge Exorcist fan. I appreciate what it is and what it did for the horror industry and I absolutely ADORE the sequel (it's a masterpiece, really. Shut your face). The original never particularly moved me. However, the dozens of imitations that it influenced have schlock appeal and Abby is the undefeated champion of ludicrous Exorcist rip-offs. From the amazing funk score to seeing the King of Cartoons in a dashiki performing an exorcism in a sleazy dive bar, Abby is untouchable.

It may not have reached the magnitude of the Exorcist but it certainly retains a place on the annals of cult movie history and is worth it's weight in sexually explicit demon possessed African artifacts.

Day 5 of Schlocktober and I'm still somehow on schedule! I plan to do some mini-reviews in the next few days so be sure to check back!

L'Inferno -1911

I've always had a soft spot for vivid depictions of Hell on film. I'm not a religious person so the envisionment of such a classical realm of nightmares is something that belongs in the more fantastic elements of fiction. That being said, L'Inferno was not only the first feature length film made in Italy but also the very first film adaption of Dante's Inferno.

As I'm sure you all know, the story follows Dante and his guide Virgil through the various circles of hell. Each segment being explained to us on a title card then shown in a vivid Goya-esque sequence of torment, deformities, strange beasties and sadness. Similar to the works of Georges Melies and Segundo de Chomon, the effects are absolutely stellar. In the dawn of the motion picture industry there was something really magical happening with costumes, effects and photography. Creatures in fantasy and horror films from the genesis of it's inception have a surreal and other worldly quality to them. Take the tiger from L'Inferno for instance. It doesn't look "real", but it moves in a way that doesn't look fake. I'm sure it's a trick of puppetry and the graininess of the film, but it gives a sense of unease that I can only compare to other creatures in other films from this time.

When I watch a film like L'Inferno, other film titles which it surely must have influenced dance through my head. Haxan: Witchcraft Through the Ages being at the top of the list. The similarity in how the devils and minions dance and writhe around is irrefutable. Even jumping forward to the 1960's with Jigoku and I would bet my bottom dollar it was one of Pasolini's favorite films. It's quite possible that every film version of Hell EVER was referring back to the Divine Comedy, but since L'Inferno beat them all to the punch I'd like to think of it as the ultimate influence of all film works of Hellish content. The added music by Tangerine Dream was at first a bit off-putting (mostly because of the vocals) but it grows on you and eventually feels like a natural part of the experience.

Sorry if this review is a little less in depth than most. It's a masterpiece of it's time and with it's exquisite visuals it leaves very little to critique. It breezes by at 70 minutes and is a staple to anyone silent horror collection.

 I give it five farts!

Zombie 5: The Killing Birds (1988)

It's doesn't really make any sense that I'm reviewing Zombie 5 before Dawn of the Dead, Zombi 2, 3 or 4. However, it's the last in the series that I hadn't seen and today I was craving something Italian and possibly dismissible, and unfortunately I got just THAT.

Firstly, if you haven't seen the others in the series this review won't give anything away because Zombie 5  is absolutely unrelated. Also, the title is completely misleading. There are neither Zombies nor Killing Birds in the movie. Well, kind of but not by my definition. There are BIRDS and they do pluck out a guy playing the younger version of Robert Vaughn's eyes (making that clear so you don't think we get to see Robert Vaughn himself get his eyes plucked out) but there's no real killing. There are zombie-looking creatures , or "lost souls" as one character labeled them but they don't eat people, they simply GRAB people. Violently, yes, but grabbing does not a zombie make. The whole movie just stagnates with filler and irrelevance.

 The plot alone leaves something to be desired. A group of college students travel to a swampland to meet with a bird specialist (the eyeless Robert Vaughn) to study a rare breed of woodpecker. Vaughn's character (who has maybe 5 minutes total of screen time) murdered his wife, her lover and their friends years ago and their bodies were never found. Now they wander around at night looking for "fear" to feed on (I told you, these zombies suck at being zombies). It's explained that they're kind of aimlessly looking for Vaughn but somehow his blindness handicaps his ability to feel fear. A bunch of young people are attacked by zombie-ghoul-things, but not until an hour into the film. Co-directed by Joe D'Amato, it's definitely one of his lesser efforts that I've seen. It reminded of the equally inadequate Fulci film Sodoma's Ghost which came out the same year. I believe I touched upon that film in a past mini-review. At least Sodoma's Ghost had monster boobs.

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It wasn't very good, I'm totally over it. Definitely the worst in the series. I would advise against wasting your time, but I was given the same advice and still felt it was necessary for completion. That being said, serious fans of the series only, everyone else can just move right on along.

I'll try to have something better for you guys tomorrow!

The Oily Maniac - 1976

Some movies have you reeled in the first time you hear the title. I really didn't care what Oily Maniac was, I needed in my life. Discovering it was a Shaw Brothers production was just a huge added bonus.

A crippled guy named Shen is given a magical spell by an old family friend who's about to be executed for accidentally killing a criminal. The criminal belonged to a gang of miscreants who are trying to steal the family's "coconut oil garden". The spell, which is more of a vengeance curse, requires Shen to dig a hole on the grounds of the oil farm and say some magical-spell-stuff while immersed in oil. What emerges is a big ol' slimy turd looking Swamp Thing-type monster who destroys any wrong doers, and there's no shortage of them running around the Coconut oil garden!

When Shen is not out gallivanting in a rubber diarrhea suit dousing himself in gasoline, he works as a legal assistant in a sleazy lawyers office. We get to see some really interesting cases. First, with a lady who falsely accuses her neighbor of rape. In a flashback sequence we see both sides of their story. When the Oily Maniac finally gets to her, it's through the spout of her lovely pink bathtub, which is in her lovely pink bathroom. I'm not sure if that's something even worth mentioning, but seeing the black oil come out of that Jayne Mansfield-esque bathtub was visually awesome.

 It was around this point in the film that I realized that Oily Maniac was noticeably more salacious than any other Shaw Brothers films I've seen. Lots of sexual situations, rape and more breasts than I've seen in any Hong Kong film made around this time aside from some Concubine themed blue movies.

Speaking of breasts...

One of the cases is against a doctor who did a botched boob job. The Oily Maniac takes care of her while she's literally sewing the virginity back on to a prostitute so her pimp can charge more. YES. This is happening.

The rubber suit isn't the most flattering during fight scenes (especially since the opening was flapping around in the back) but there are some fun effects. Seeing him liquefy into a puddle and transform back into a human was pretty interesting. By interesting I mean, cheap and passably effective. Oily Maniac lived up to and even surpassed my expectations. While it would make a great companion piece to the more supernatural works of the Shaw Brothers such as Black Magic or the Boxer's Omen, it works well on it's own as a completely insane hyperbolized homage to American Monster movies. There's a Hulk-like quality to the Oily Maniac. He gets angry because of one thing or another, a few squirts of motor oil later and he's ready to bash someone. I feel that it most certainly must have influenced the Toxic Avenger, or at least it did in my dreams. Regardless of influences and counterparts the Oily Maniac is an absolute essential genre film and I can only hope that it eventually gets the digital treatment that it truly deserves.

Day 2 complete! I'm not sure if I'm going to continue counting down the days at the end of my reviews leading up to Halloween, but it sure does feel right! No idea what kind of horror mayhem is in store for me today but you can be sure to find out first thing tomorrow on Day 3 of Schlocktober!

Spookies - 1986

I was recently discussing fun throw-away horror movies with a friend when he asked if I'd seen Spookies. I knew I owned it but couldn't recall having watched it. I wanted to kick off the Schlocktober marathon with something light and similar in spirit as the Hilarious House of Frightenstein since it was fresh on my palette. I was expecting a Gremlins/Ghoulies/Critters-esque tiny creature movie, but what I definitely was not expecting was the realization five minutes in that I in fact HAVE seen Spookies! What's worse is that it couldn't have been that long ago because I've only owned the film for a few years. I find it a bit worrisome that at the tender age of 27 my memory is already slipping. Not every detail was intact, perhaps I watched it in a party setting. After this more focused viewing I can definitely say it's a magical patchworked casserole of confused plots and monsters running amok.

The film is essentially two unfinished movies melded into one chaotic mess of bewilderment. The original story followed a group of teenagers (mostly played by actors in their 30's) who end up in a haunted house. One of the girls starts messing with a Quija bored and becomes possessed. This whole story line had a strong Night of the Demons vibe, and the possessed girl was harnessing some serious Angela realness. 

See what I mean??

The second story which was filmed later and re-edited to make an even less comprehensible spooktacular opus featured a sorcerer with a were-cat trying to reanimate his dead bride. It's all tied together by the notion that all the deaths by various demons via Angela-clone-Quija-mistress are sacrifices for the resurrection of his lady friend.

There were a few moments in the film that I feel are worth noting. Starting with a brief but memorable character in the graveyard at the beginning of the film. A young boy who has run away from home encounters a weird drifter dude hanging out in a tree. I was so sure this guy was going to turn out to be a monster of some kind. He was creepy, had a bit of a Lost Boys quality to him? It was such a small part but the general presence of the actor was strong and they really should have taken the character further. (apparently, I'm not the only one who thinks so.)

There were almost too many characters to keep track of but as far as the actual creatures I was quite taken with the farting zombies and the exploding grim reaper. The film was so charmingly jumbled that no more than 5 minutes went by without introducing a new monster. It had tinges of so many different films that I didn't even know where to begin making comparisons. Elements of Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama, the directing style of a masterpiece such as Dungeonmaster with shades of Andy Milligan. Really though, I can't think of a negative thing to say about Spookies aside from wanting more of the creepface drifter. Spookies serves it's purpose and left this viewer more than satisfied (at least the second time around).

It's like a Spirit Halloween store exploded on screen!

Day 1 accomplished! So far Schlocktober is off to a good start! Check back tomorrow for whatever ends up tickling my fancy later this evening. Will there be a wizard? a chainsaw? a cannibal? a house hold appliance? Who knows, but I'll try to make it a good one!

Happy Schlocktober!!

A few years back I did a little month long horror marathon which I lovingly called Schlocktober. A moniker and format I'm sure I'm not the first to devise. Around this time of year movie websites are abuzz with horror themed reviews and articles. Feeling more in the spirit this year than last, I decided to dust off my old Schlocktober tag and join in the festivities. The goal is to watch no less than 31 horror movies this month. Ideally, one film and in turn one review per day. Naturally I expect things to come up, especially this being my favorite time of year. I plan to do my fair share of gallivanting, but as long as I can squeeze at least 31 movies in this time frame and report my findings here, Schlocktober will be a success! I won't lie, this will be a challenge. Some entries will be full reviews, some will be nothing more than a poster and a blurb, and I'm sure there will be a few duds along the way.

To prepare I re-organized all of my vhs, dvds, files and bumped everything genre to the top of my netflix queue. At this rate I'm ready for the next 30 Schlocktobers! Think of this post as a prologue. Tomorrow will begin the actual reviews. If I plan it right, the final review will fall on November 1st, which appropriately is the Day of the Dead. To get myself in the spirit of this month long celebration I spent the day prepping and watching several episodes of my newest favorite show, the Hilarious House of Frightenstein which I only recently had the pleasure of experiencing for the first time.

A unique spin on Halloween themed kids shows that's conceptually similar to a Sid and Marty Kroft-esque variety show while melded with a horror host vibe. Starring the multitalented Billy Van in almost every role. It co-starred the Tor Johnson clone Fishka Rais (Cannibal Girls) and of course Vincent Price whose in his element, as always. This show feels so nostalgic that even having not grown up with it I feel a sense of attachment and familiarity. Should be accompanied with Count Chocula or Boo Berry. By the end of the day I was ready to run around in a cape (bed sheet) with candy corn fangs yelling "blah blah blah" (you know, in that satirical Dracula voice?). The show is obviously aimed at kids and being so light and campy, it was the perfect way to kick off the season. I plan to continue watching it intermittently as Halloween grows nigh.

I'm a little late in posting this as midnight has past, but you can anticipate somewhat prompt reviews in the weeks to come!

Mini Reviews: 7 Lucky Ninja Kids, The Godfarter 3, Goddess Bunny Channels Shakespeare, Pink Narcissus

I'm trying to watch 365/365 this year. I was way behind schedule for about a month and a half when I was transitioning between jobs. Now that things have leveled out I've made it a personal goal to catch back up. That means watching on average two movies a day, and I'm almost all caught up. When I started I was around 50 movies behind, now I only have 7 to go! Some days when I'm in the right mood and have nothing else going on I can marathon 4 or 5 movies which has helped me catch up alot. I'm kind of just rambling here but my point is, I'm watching a lot of movies in rapid succession.

You may have noticed that I added some categories to the side panel. I'd like to keep adding them as they develop. I put Mini Reviews at the top because I've already written so many short bulk reviews. They're kind of like rant-y movie journal entries, which is fun for me. Also, it's impossible to review ALL of the movies I watch. Maybe some writers could do it but it takes me too long just to crank out one. At least with mini-reviews I can mention a few other goodies that I didn't have the time or the mindspace to write full reviews for.

One recent treat I had the pleasure of seeing was 7 Lucky Ninja Kids. A Taiwanese all-kid kung-fu comedy from 1986. A friend had recommended it to me a while back, so when I saw it at the video store with the tagline "Awesome Skateboard Riding, Pizza Eating Group of Mini Ninjas!" - I knew it had to be mine. It seemed to be set in a world where it was ok for adults to punch kids in the face. The 7 kids are apart of some kind of ass kicking brigade and there's not a parent in sight. They get mixed up a diamond heist which leads to lots of Home Alone-esque kid vs. robber action. There's tons of copyright infringement going on with the soundtrack too. Amidst the flying kicks you'll catch snippets of pop songs and film scores. I definitely heard John Carpenter's Halloween theme a few times awkwardly placed in a fight scene. It reminded me a little of Sammo Hung's "My Lucky Stars" only with kids and less small-dick jokes. It was a lot of fun though I must say, the only real disappointment was the lack of skateboard riding or pizza eating. That was completely misleading.

I discovered a bizarre little short film called The Godfarter 3 which was actually a homemade SOV screen test for gonzo actor Timothy Carey in attempt to get cast in the Godfather part III. Despite his respectable career featuring roles in the Wild One, Paths of Glory and the Killing of a Chinese Bookie, he's perhaps best known for his magnum opus, which he wrote directed and starred in, the World's Greatest Sinner. It could also be accurately described as the world's greatest vanity piece! With its absurd plot and his unusual acting style it's truly an inspired cult masterpiece. The Godfarter 3 on the other hand is a train wreck. If you're blinded by Carey fangirlism like me, you'll get a kick out just seeing him deliver stagnant lines over blaring opera music and making terrifying faces into the camera. The film itself is only 7 minutes long but afterwards there's an additional 15 minutes or so of interview footage which was far more entertaining. Apparently Francis Ford Coppola wanted him for the first two Godfather's but he turned it down saying he'd only be doing it for the money. So in turn he requested an enormous amount if he were to actually accept the role (make sense? not really). Coppola was no longer interested. One of the most infamous Carey stories is that during on the of the readings he pulled a gun out of a lunch box and shot both Francis Ford Coppola and Martin Scorsese with blanks. He was promptly escorted off of the property.

Another bit of outsider cinema I had the pleasure of experiencing was "The Goddess Bunny Channels Shakespeare". I found it on VHS at Poo-Bah records inside the box for ANOTHER Goddess Bunny movie called "The Ma Barker Story" (which appears to be autographed though I can't make out the name). I was disappointed that it wasn't the right movie but since it was still Goddess Bunny, I got over it quick. If you're unfamiliar with Goddess Bunny do yourself a favor and youtube her. She was a famous drag queen from the 80's/90's who had suffered from Polio as a child which made her spine underdeveloped. Her performances are quite a spectacle. When I saw her most famous video simply titled "The Goddess Bunny" years ago, it wasn't something I would soon (or ever) forget. Stumbling upon what appears to be a legitimate independent release of one of her films is pretty much the find of a century. It's mostly her, and some fellow performers/friends drunkenly reciting Shakespeare (and then some other play which I'm pretty sure is not Shakespeare). Much like the Godfarter 3, it's an odd character study that would probably only be enjoyed by big fans or a glutton for punishment. You've been warned.

I finally saw the candy colored phallus in wonderland , Pink Narcissus. Some serious queer arthouse action. A vast rainbow of pearls, chiffon and boners. Stylistically reminiscent of Kenneth Anger's work (though much more Homo-erotic, as I recall Anger's work being a bit more subtle), it's basically an extended sexual fantasy of one man dreaming of an arabesque garden of other perfectly endowed men. Clocking in at 71 one minutes, I felt it could have been a little shorter. With no real narrative, just high octane sexually driven visuals after about 45 minutes you're kind of ready for the end. As it is, I'm ready for this review to end.

That's it for today kids. Until next time...

The Extra-Terrestrial Cat in Boots (1990)

Watching foreign movies without subtitles is an art. It's something only a handful of movie fans are willing to subject themselves to and only as a last resort. When the alternative is NOT watching a movie called "The Extra-Terrestrial Cat in Boots" featuring Coffin Joe, there really is no option at all. It simply must be done. I had hoped that my vague memories of "Puss in Boots" would  be favorable in my comprehension of the film. On a very basic level, it was, but as soon as I saw spaceships and wizards I knew this would be yet another subtitle-less testament to my obsession with both bizarre and cat related movies.

On that note, let's meet O Gato himself...

Clearly one of the greatest Man-Cats to ever grace the screen. The mask was actually pretty well made and at times reminded me of the Beast in Jean Cocteau's Beauty and the Beast. Not THAT well made of course, but in the sense that it was kind of life-like, partially animated and TOTALLY creepy. If you're not as enthralled with the appearance of O Gato as I am, you probably won't like the rest of the movie because there's a lot of him just walking around catching ducks and shit. Unless of course you speak Portuguese  then you may dislike the movie for a number of other reasons.

The spaceship of course being nowhere on that list.

For the most part the film does follow the original story. The Cat from outer-space comes to earth in a Star Wars-esque ship with a group of fellow spacemen (regular looking men, no more man-cats unfortunately). All but one seem to disappear after the first scene. It's pretty clear after about 15 minutes in that O Gato's companion is supposed to be the Miller's Son from the original fable whom the Cat hooks up with treasures and princesses and what-have-yous. 

The bad guy is a cool-looking Sorcerer with a really cute pet owl. He spends a lot of time in his castle making poo-poo faces and pouring blue liquid into beakers. 

Look how cute that owl is! Omg.

I was under the false impression that José Mojica Marins was a primary character when I procured this little gem. He's in the film for maybe five minutes. Although I have no idea why or what he's saying, he gave the film the Coffin Joe touch, which makes ALL films complete. He basically floats around, follows O Gato, confronts him, says something menacing then disappears  I can only assume that he's a shape-shifted version of the Sorcerer/Ogre character that lives in the castle.

Who's that on that thar' mountain?

Oh Snap! It's Zé do Caixão! Hide your town virgins!

The castle. Just because it's cool.

The things that made O Gato De Botas Extraterrestre confusing were the things that also made it interesting and set apart from your garden variety Puss in Boots Kiddie Matinee feature. If you know the story, you could probably get through it easily and take from it a bounty of strangeness. I'm still on the prowl for a subtitled copy but as for now I'm satisfied with my subtitle-less Man-Cat-Alien-Sorcery-Coffin-Joe experience.

I'd like to start reviewing all the different versions of Puss in Boots as a personal project. I have the K. Gordon Murray one in my possession which will probably come soon. This will of course exclude the recent Hollywood film which I have no interest in whatsoever. I recall a straight to video version from the late 80's with Christopher Walken that I'll probably revisit as well. Any suggestions, dear readers?