Haseena Atom Bomb (1990)

How do I even begin to cope with the hot mess I’ve just witnessed? I’ve been on the hunt for a copy of Haseena Atom Bomb for years. It was one of my most desired hidden treasures. At one point I even bought a copy from a private collector that ended up being defective and was never compensated for that blunder on their part. That was a huge disappointment. But what’s an even bigger disappointment is now that I’ve finally obtained this infamous Lollywood film, is how difficult it was to sit through. A stifling 2 hours and 18 minutes of nonsensical crotch thrusting, repetitive action sequences and uncomfortable close ups.

I had a difficult time finding a plot in this movie; in traditional Pashto with no English Subtitles it was easy to get lost in the cartoonish happenings on screen. Having already read many reviews and descriptions I was able to gather that it follows a young woman who on her wedding night, is raped by a gang of criminals. She’s then forced to endure the torment of watching her husband to-be beaten and hung from the rafters using only her shoulders to keep him grasping onto life. When she eventually collapses he falls to his death sending her on a killing vendetta.

Before every killing she seduces the culprits in a lurid song and dance number.  Of which the fat old rapists becomes aroused. When she’s completed her jiggly love dance she chases them with an axe (which they imply she chops them with, though it’s sadly never shown) then hangs them from the rafter in a fitting plight of a vengeance.

In the tradition of the rape revenge genre, there’s really just a lot of ugliness here. I had delusions of her being some kind of awesome Pak Magical Girl super heroine but this film is just drenched in undulating male hormones. One or two action sequences would have been ok, but it was completely redundant and over exaggerated. You could smell the machismo jumping off the screen right into your nose holes. Like a rotten plate of Middle Eastern food mixed with sweaty balls. I will admit that I liked most of the song and dance numbers. Sure, Haseena’s a little out of shape but that’s a part of her charm. The costumes are mostly muffin-top inducing spandex and Mardi Gras masks.  What you can make out of the backdrops looks like it was set in an 80’s nail salon, an old episode of Eurovision or an Acid Mothers Temple concert. It’s clear that she has absolutely no training as a dancer. It’s mostly her flailing arms and legs and LOTS of dry humping...only it’s not so dry. The whole atmosphere looks sticky and morbidly unsexy. It’s like a psychedelic curry nightmare.

There’s a side story with a man on a horse who has a giant syringe which he drains victims of their blood. No idea what that’s all about. He has a female companion that I would have confused for Haseena if it wasn’t for her butch haircut. All I could gather was that the same crime syndicate who killed Haseena’s husband must have done something deserving for Syringe-horseback-forklift-guy and butch-haircut-lady to also seek revenge. They sort of team up in the end but that’s just a big mess of confusion that my Anglo Saxon brain just couldn’t compute.

There are a few reasons I can attribute to why my experience with Haseena Atom Bomb was less than savory. For starters, I had high expectations. The colorful cover and musical sequences I’d seen on YouTube gave me the impression that I was in for some epic sexy fairy tale. Obviously that was a complete fabrication of my false hopes. Secondly, the length is just ridiculous. This movie could have been half as long and maintained the same linear storyline. It’s like they didn’t want to waste a frame so they just poorly edited it all into a patchy repetitious frankenstein creation. Its length forced me to break my viewings into three pieces, which is generally against my principles as a viewer and even more so as a REviewer. Lastly it’s really just not a good movie, and was probably a poor choice as my introduction to Lollywood. I feel like I’ve just wallowed in filth. Slowly and meticulously, so it fills every crevice of my psyche. Not in the good way either. There are no winners when it comes to Haseena Atom Bomb.

Would I watch it again? Ehhh…in its entirety? Definitely not. There are some clip-worthy moments and that’s about it. That’s the most positive credit I can give Haseena Atom Bomb. I’m glad I finally saw it though. After years of searching for something, obtaining it is a triumph in itself. Now it’s behind me and that curiosity has been savagely, shamelessly, and profoundly quenched. Cheers!

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