Da Hip Hop Witch - 2000

Well, I finally did it. I found my Achilles Heel of shit movies. After years of searching, I found the most derivative, obnoxious waste of time ever committed to video. NOPE, don't try to convince me that anything else could ever live up to this monstrosity. Da Hip Hop Witch managed to beat out Another Son of Sam, the former holder of the worst-film-I've-ever-seen title. It was so unbearable I actually had to have my husband help me put together some thoughts on this one. After staying up way too late drinking brandy and reviewing Gore-Met, Zombie Chef from Hell. I just didn't have it in me to make my brain process this as I would a normal review.

Some movies work like complex puzzles, full of twists and turns, false set ups, fake endings. Leading you in different directions, sometimes taking you back to the beginning and wrapping up the stories in intricate developments and intricate riddles. Then there are stories like Da Hip Hop Witch, that are the equivalent of   a rudimentary children's maze that you would find on the back of a cereal box. How this movie was made is mind boggling. Almost as much as how the filmmakers could have possibly coerced all of the famous rappers to appear in the film, which begs the question, How many rappers does it take to make piece of shit film? But I digress…

Da Hip Hop Witch works(?) itself as a rip-off of “Blair Witch Project”, which is obvious from the opening title cards claiming she is a “Black Witch from the projects” and the rappers she has been terrorizing  with her presence. Some of the claims made about her are:

•  She has long hairy fingernails
• Long dreads
• Green (or purple depending on who you ask) hair and big titties
• 20-inch feet
• 6-foot long fingers, which she loves to shove up Eminem’s ass.. etc.

A good 75% of this film is devoted to filming rappers redundantly reiterating their own accounts of what she looked like. Which ranged from “An ugly as bitch I wouldn't fuck” to “beautiful skank that I fucked.” Most of the dialogue seemed to be ad-libbed, shot in one take and probably a good portion in rappers dressing rooms between rap concerts. But of course, that only takes up a good hour of the film, they needed 20 minutes of story. What to do? Add two subplots that go NOFUCKINGWHERE!

  How these stories interweave is the equivalent of three blind drag races speeding barreling down a dead end street. And the ending’s reveal of the identity of Da Hip Hop Witch is as confusing as it is lukewarm with absolutely no relevance to the 30-plus accounts given in the film!

Da Hip Hop Witch is a train wreck of the worst kind. It is too far gone in bad taste to be watched for camp. But, if you do decide to trek through this fecal-flick here are some things I noticed:

• Eminem gets top billing; Vanilla Ice gets last.
• Vanilla Ice gets a tattoo during the movie, which we speculated was paid for by the crew, and that was his compensation for appearing in the film.
• In Eminem’s studio (which just looks like an office lunch room with “Shady Records” stickers on the door) there are several close up shots of Bud Light bottles which are all blurred, sometimes blurring out over half the screen.
• Da Hip Hop Witch ONLY attacks rap artists… with the exception of “pop star” Vitamin C and five white kids from the burbs, one of which is played by Mia Tyler, Stephen Tyler's other daughter..
• Royce Da 5’9” upon hearing Da Hip Hop Witch tried to shove her finger up Eminem’s ass, claims “Slim’s always having things shoved up his ass”

That’s all I have to report. It was a harrowing viewing experience. I've never felt such a combination of boredom and frustration. Glad I was able to finish this, so you don’t have to.

Creaturez, Hobgobz, Skeleton Handz.

I have a list of movies I want to review. Eventually I'll get back to doing in depth singular reviews but for now I'm going to catch up a bit  by compartmentalizing these movies into several bunches of mini-reviews. Which seems to be the only way I can get any writing done these days. Anyway, for now I'm starting with three recent views that I was mildly to not at all impressed with. Enjoy...or something.

I finally saw the Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed Up Zombies. I looked forward to it for years. To the point where even after I bought it I was afraid to watch it. Now I know why. It completely disappointed me. I'm not exactly sure where my expectations began and blind affection for Ray Dennis Steckler ends. The trailer seemed magical, the self proclaimed "first zombie musical" sounded captivating but in reality it lived up to very little of what it promised. The "musical" aspects were mostly schmaltzy burlesque stage shows that included very few of the actual actors (if you would actually call the "actors"). Obviously just carnival footage of stage shows. The plot is really thin and between Steckler's acting leaving so much to be desired and the over use of carny exposition there really wasn't much of a chance for salvation. Truly saddening, I really wanted to like this movie. I wanted to love it. Now I'm almost afraid to make the leap for the Thrill Killers, which I also own and is currently collecting dust. Wish me luck on that one, folks.

I also recently watched Hobgoblins. This time I had almost no expectations and that's a good thing because they were still barely met. The film would have you think it's another tiny creature feature film ala Gremlins, Munchies, Ghoulies, Critters, etc. But all of those (including Munchies [even Munchie and all of it's hypnotically repulsive sequels]) are light years ahead of Hobgoblins in entertainment value. It just didn't do it for me! The creatures are more of a frame of reference to explain the dreamlike death laden trance that they supposedly put their victims in. Other than that, they're relatively harmless and also rather illusive. You hardly see them through out the entire movie. It had it's moments but overall left me feeling a void that only a tiny monsters, or many tiny monsters can fill. My favorite part about the dvd was seeing the trailer for one of director Rick Sloane's other movies, the Visitants. Still very self parodying, but struck me as being potentially delightful, at least in comparison to Hobgoblins!

Lastly, and most enjoyably, I FINALLY saw Death Bed: the Bed That Eats. For obvious reasons I've been meaning to see this for years. Somehow, despite the plot and everything about the title being completely absurd I was still shocked at what was actually delivered. Most of it was rather painful. The narration by the man trapped in the painting was extremely difficult for me to stomach. However, the actual consumption of people and objects by the bed were so bizarre that I couldn't very well dislike this otherworldly rape of my senses. The nonchalant behavior of the victims, particularly the skeleton hands guy. SKELETON HANDS. If there's any one thing about the movie that sold me on it was those goddamn skeleton hands. I don't know how to make you understand the power these skeleton hands had over me but I might just change my name to "Skeleton Hands", for the purpose of naming my first child "Skeleton Hands" Jr. so you understand the gravity of this situation. The film attempted some sort of demon possession story line and whatnot, but everything about it was so completely devoid of any substantial foundation that a movie, even a b-movie, necessitates that it TRULY boggles the mind. It's so shocking it makes me create really long run on sentences because, like the film, I have no idea how to come to any reasonable conclusion about reality or my life or how things like this are even made. It will make you question yourself and your standards. It will send you spinning uncontrollably into a quagmire of disillusionment and self deprecation. But mostly, it will just make you wonder how you sat through the whole thing. And how for some reason, you still loved it.

That's it for now. I'm starting to get arthritic pains in my skeletons hands. More soon. Stay cool.

Haseena Atom Bomb (1990)

How do I even begin to cope with the hot mess I’ve just witnessed? I’ve been on the hunt for a copy of Haseena Atom Bomb for years. It was one of my most desired hidden treasures. At one point I even bought a copy from a private collector that ended up being defective and was never compensated for that blunder on their part. That was a huge disappointment. But what’s an even bigger disappointment is now that I’ve finally obtained this infamous Lollywood film, is how difficult it was to sit through. A stifling 2 hours and 18 minutes of nonsensical crotch thrusting, repetitive action sequences and uncomfortable close ups.

I had a difficult time finding a plot in this movie; in traditional Pashto with no English Subtitles it was easy to get lost in the cartoonish happenings on screen. Having already read many reviews and descriptions I was able to gather that it follows a young woman who on her wedding night, is raped by a gang of criminals. She’s then forced to endure the torment of watching her husband to-be beaten and hung from the rafters using only her shoulders to keep him grasping onto life. When she eventually collapses he falls to his death sending her on a killing vendetta.

Before every killing she seduces the culprits in a lurid song and dance number.  Of which the fat old rapists becomes aroused. When she’s completed her jiggly love dance she chases them with an axe (which they imply she chops them with, though it’s sadly never shown) then hangs them from the rafter in a fitting plight of a vengeance.

In the tradition of the rape revenge genre, there’s really just a lot of ugliness here. I had delusions of her being some kind of awesome Pak Magical Girl super heroine but this film is just drenched in undulating male hormones. One or two action sequences would have been ok, but it was completely redundant and over exaggerated. You could smell the machismo jumping off the screen right into your nose holes. Like a rotten plate of Middle Eastern food mixed with sweaty balls. I will admit that I liked most of the song and dance numbers. Sure, Haseena’s a little out of shape but that’s a part of her charm. The costumes are mostly muffin-top inducing spandex and Mardi Gras masks.  What you can make out of the backdrops looks like it was set in an 80’s nail salon, an old episode of Eurovision or an Acid Mothers Temple concert. It’s clear that she has absolutely no training as a dancer. It’s mostly her flailing arms and legs and LOTS of dry humping...only it’s not so dry. The whole atmosphere looks sticky and morbidly unsexy. It’s like a psychedelic curry nightmare.

There’s a side story with a man on a horse who has a giant syringe which he drains victims of their blood. No idea what that’s all about. He has a female companion that I would have confused for Haseena if it wasn’t for her butch haircut. All I could gather was that the same crime syndicate who killed Haseena’s husband must have done something deserving for Syringe-horseback-forklift-guy and butch-haircut-lady to also seek revenge. They sort of team up in the end but that’s just a big mess of confusion that my Anglo Saxon brain just couldn’t compute.

There are a few reasons I can attribute to why my experience with Haseena Atom Bomb was less than savory. For starters, I had high expectations. The colorful cover and musical sequences I’d seen on YouTube gave me the impression that I was in for some epic sexy fairy tale. Obviously that was a complete fabrication of my false hopes. Secondly, the length is just ridiculous. This movie could have been half as long and maintained the same linear storyline. It’s like they didn’t want to waste a frame so they just poorly edited it all into a patchy repetitious frankenstein creation. Its length forced me to break my viewings into three pieces, which is generally against my principles as a viewer and even more so as a REviewer. Lastly it’s really just not a good movie, and was probably a poor choice as my introduction to Lollywood. I feel like I’ve just wallowed in filth. Slowly and meticulously, so it fills every crevice of my psyche. Not in the good way either. There are no winners when it comes to Haseena Atom Bomb.


Would I watch it again? Ehhh…in its entirety? Definitely not. There are some clip-worthy moments and that’s about it. That’s the most positive credit I can give Haseena Atom Bomb. I’m glad I finally saw it though. After years of searching for something, obtaining it is a triumph in itself. Now it’s behind me and that curiosity has been savagely, shamelessly, and profoundly quenched. Cheers!

The Video 98 Collection Part 4: Nukie (1988)

Considering the cult followings of bad horror, action and sci-fi movies, I always wondered why there wasn't as much attention on bad kid's movies. Sure, certain classics get acknowledged like Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, but what about the thousands of other kids movies, ALL decades that break the boundaries of crappiness. I always felt that kids movies offered a certain naive charm and raw imagination that that you won't find from other genres of "bad movies". The 80's seem to be a time where terrible children's movies were being made left and right to compete with all of the amazing family films coming out. There was a huge market for that stuff, cheap knock-offs of Dark Crystal and the Never Ending Story were a'plenty. I particularly love (just about) anything put out by Moon Beam, Full Moon's line of "family films". They're great because you get the people who make the Puppet Master puppets and Robot Jox creating cute dragons and tiny dinosaurs. For the record, Nukie is NOT a Moon Beam film. I'm almost off subject here. This is more along the lines of E.T. in Africa. Nukie is a wretched, forgotten piece of crap that I'm happy to have finally seen it.

Two space brothers find themselves in the earth's stratosphere and get split up (somehow) one winding up in Florida and the other in Africa. In the states "Miko" has been captured and is having experiments done on him by the government. In Africa, poor little retarded Nukie is wandering around aimlessly talking to giraffes. The first half of this movie is primarily watching Miko be tortured and having to listen to these two scream eachother's name on a loop for 15 minute intervals. It's like they forgot to write dialogue for those scenes so they just improvised in post production.

 

There are a bunch of pointless characters that really aren't even worth mentioning.There was ZERO character development and I wouldn't even know how to go about describing their parts, because none of them really mattered at all. There was an unnecessary Nun played by Glynis Johns who was token washed up celebrity. She was never even in the same shot as Nukie.

                                                                                                   

Nukie always seems to have really nasty sinus issues.

There's also a sensitive computer named E.D.D.I. who helps Miko find his way back to Nukie.

I couldn't have said it better myself, E.D.D.I.

Well, this is turning out to be a bad review for a bad movie. Now I can cross it off of my list. Seriously. It was actually on my list!...

See?

I'm not sure why I used this as an example of kids movies that should have followings. It's an atrocity! Probably because for some reason I had really been wanting to see it! It's about as good as Badi, the Turkish ET. I think I'm going to take a little break from my Video 98 marathon for a day or two. I need something really good to wash the "nukie" out of my mouth.

The Video 98 Collection Part 1: The Lost Idol (1990)

Isn't is sad when a curiosity you've had about a movie for years is snuffed out anti-climatically by disappointment? I actually bought this movie for an Ex years ago. It was kind of a gag gift. I don't exactly remember the circumstances around it's discovery but I was spending a lot of time on Amazon searching for cheap used videos with awesome covers. I made some interesting discoveries during this period. I never got around to seeing it before we broke up and have often wondered what sort of bedlam Mr. Erik Estrada had in store for me. I swear to God, I hadn't thought about this movie in years until last night! After I watched Virgins from Hell, suddenly I remembered this and yearned to see it post-haste. I even thought about ordering another used copy on Amazon. Little did I know that the next freaking day I'd be watching it!

Thanks to Video 98, my itch was scratched... although I think it might scab up a little. Some satisfaction occurred. What we have here is a half baked Vietnam/Golden idol heist movie with an uninteresting storyline and not-funny bad acting with so-so violence. There's really not much to say about the Lost Idol and that deeply saddens me. Between the inside joke revolving around how ridiculous it looks, thinking about it last night and actually FINDING it today, the actual watching of the movie was the least exciting part. Perhaps if I'd been in a crowd and imbibements were involved? I'm also a bit disenchanted because this is a Thai produced movie and with that in mind I expected MUCH more madness! This is a movie that SHOULD be sensational garbage but what it really does is stagnate between "mediocre" and "boring".

C'est la vie, ya can't win 'em all!

Gamey Egg Musk

I've always considered myself relatively fearless when it came to food. I've had an interest in cultures outside of my own since I was a little kid. I feel a sense of mystique and wonderment when I see foreign text and Asian characters. This curiosity has taken me from through many phases, primarily always bringing me back to the Orient. Another factor in that is my feeble little hometown which has almost nothing going for it, does have a military base, and where there's a Military base, there LOTS of Asian people, where there are Asian people there are Asian markets. You'll find several hole-in-the-walls here and there in the dingy side of town, but there has always been only one that has me as a regular patron. The Ocean Oriental Market. It's small (though still substantially larger than the said 'holes-in-the-wall') but has had a faithful customer base for years and they really try to cater to all of your Oriental needs. Everything from a particular brand of pickled squid, a variety of spices and sauces from Mongolia to Indonesia and everything (ok, maybe not EVERYTHING) in between. A vast spectrum of Chinese vhs rentals to Vietnamese Cha Cha music. They've aided me when I was sick with holistic medicine and cheered up when I was down with their extensive sweet treats, I usually go for something basic like strawberry Yan Yan or fresh Lychee fruit if it's in season. I've also sustained myself during periods of extreme brokeness by defaulting to the traditional Asian ramen packs. I'm not talking about that shit from your local grocery store that's "chicken", "beef", or "shrimp" flavored. I'm talking about a veritable hodgepodge of rice, wheat or potato noodles coming in all different sizes and textures, with oils, sauce packs and dried vegetable. My favorite is this crab flavored phnompenh styled clear potato noodle soup with these pretty little pink swirly things in them, costing just mere cents more than the domestic crap! I realized today that I've been shopping there for 9 years, closing in on a decade really makes you think! I've made a lot of blind buys over the years, many of which have become apart of my regular consumption, but there have been MANY things that I would sooner commit myself to boring American food
Hell forever than try again. Which brings me to today's experiment...

Century Eggs aka Thousand Year Old Eggs!!!



Ok, so they aren't REALLY a thousand years old, but after trying them you'll swear they are. Apparently it's a way of preserving duck eggs with clay and ash. Though I love duck, I'm no expert on duck eggs. So I'm not sure if they're black anyways or if that is the result of Centurifying them, but as you can see...they .. are .. BLACK! Well actually, they're black to the naked eye. If you hold it up to the light you can see that it's really more of a dark translucent brown. The yolk is a grayish green that just screams "DO NOT EAT!". Did that stop me? Of course not, I cut it in half and promptly put the gelatinous oval monolith mystery in my mouth. Talk about a rude awakening! I can usually choke something down, but that grey yolk was too much even for me. I HAD to spit it out! The best word I can find to describe it is simply "musk", then add the fact that it's an aborted duck fetus. GAMEY EGG MUSK. The texture was different from chicken yolk, smooth like bean paste. Associating it with a duck's body wasn't helping much either. I may be experimental with food but I draw the line at bodily functions, which I suppose technically an all eggs are, but not until I experienced this funky-funky doo-doo, did I think of it that way. But I couldn't waste it! I bought a pack of six and I was having hard time choking down the one. I de-yolked it then had a stroke of genius! Malt vinegar. I'm one of those people who will eat anything pickled and savors the tart goodness, sopping balsamic up with bread or whatever else will hold it. I went through a period where I was cutting up an hard boiled egg and dowsing it with malt vinegar as a snack. The yolk was a lost cause but the vinegar made the egg-blacks edible. Will I ever buy Century Eggs again? Hell No! But I can cross that off my list of Ocean Oriental Market Curiosities and now I have five new party favors for some unlucky guests who accept my next dinner invitation :-D



ps... as you can see, the shells are all cool and speckled so I think I shall incorporate
them into some kind of crafty endeavor