Holiday Horrible-thon Part 1: All Dogs Go To Christmas

Holy crap, where to begin. In past holiday marathons I usually curate a few handfuls of killer Santa movies, with some cheesy made for tv specials and with any luck, some K. Gordon Murray magic. As you may recall, last year's marathon was para-titled "14 movies in 3 days", which isn't nothing. This year I started early due to some unexpected time off. I decided to divide my time between cross stitching and shitty movie watching. The two just go hand in hand. Generally, I start Christmas Eve, If we have company I throw on whichever looks to have the most crowd appeal. Christmas Day is ALWAYS a day of rest. We stay in and watch as many Christmas movies as possible while enjoying our gifts and leftovers, and then the day after Christmas I cap the marathon. I could go up to the new year, but I usually am all holiday'd out by the 26th. Plus I need some Vitamin D and food that is not ham or candy. This year I reached new depths of Holiday insanity. Between my early-December craft sessions and my usual three day marathon I watched a shocking 40 Christmas movies. FORTY. That's not a round number for the month, I haven't made that calculation yet. A record breaking forty-fucking-Christmas movies starring people like Tori Spelling and Jonathan Taylor Thomas. No wonder I'm exhausted. My usual countdown seemed too overwhelming for this number, especially since some were pretty forgettable. Since my hands were basically in constant brainless motion, I decided to pick films that were similarly constantly in brainless motion. What came to pass was an endless loop of Christmas dog movies. How many could there be, you might wonder? An INCALCULABLE amount. Or at least like, 75.

How many did I watch?: 6 , and 1 cat movie. I wish I could flip that ratio but I think it's safe to say that people who love Christmas, hate cats, Because cats or cat owners are the villains in nost of these movies.

So OK, let's do an official Atomic Caravan Holiday Dog Movie Count Down...



6. Adventures of Bailey: A Christmas Hero (2012)

None of these movies are "good", but nothing made me a cringe like the Adventures of Bailey. For starters, I can assure you he is NOT a Christmas Hero, in fact, he basically ruined Christmas for everyone. There's a borderline racist plot involving Native Americans and whether or not they celebrate Christmas. Bailey runs off to see the Indian Medicine man, gets himself and his brother lost, his brother almost DIES from eating poisoned berries. When the medicine man finds and saves his brother, they learn that Native Americans can speak to dogs so they have a conversation about the meaning of Christmas. The kid in this movie has no charisma at all and comes off as a total brat. The film spends a lot of time talking about about how they have to find Bailey and Duke, while not actually doing anything at all. Also, I might have missed something but when the parents drop the kid off at their Quarter-Cherokee Grandpa's house for the weekend, it's not clear to me why the other kids didn't go since they have three children. WHO'S WATCHING THE CHILDREN? Could they just not afford to pay all three kids for that day? This is the kind of movie I would have found lame at any age. No attempt at being entertaining or appealing to kids, just awkward sentimental bullshit. It's insulting.



5. The 12 Dogs of Christmas (2005)

Slightly less nauseating because there seemed to be some actual effort put into the production design, wardrobe and casting. The story is again, totally lame and un-fun, but everything comes together like a real movie at least. They're not totally taking us for a ride. Set in the 1930's, a girl is sent to her estranged Aunt's when her Dad can no longer afford to keep her. Her Aunt lives in a town that hates dogs, There's apparently an old law that says no dogs allowed, she and some other dog lovers save all the dogs, etc, etc. This was the only Christmas animal movie I saw where the dogs didn't speak. They tried to play this one straight, a little too straight for my taste. This was the boring dog movie of the marathon. At least I hated Bailey. I hated it enough to have an engaging roast in my head while watching it. The tone here is just too serious. The one thing it had going for it was a VARIETY of dogs. Is that really a reason to watch a movie?




4. Santa Paws 2: The Santa Pups (2012)

There's an inexplicable allure to the many straight-to-video entries in the Air Bud franchise. I don't exactly know how it's come this far. Was Air Bud even good to begin with? I can't remember. It must be like the Witchcraft series. The first wasn't good but it was probably a little better than expected so they signed off on 4,000 sequels. This one stars Mrs. Claus, played by Cheryl Ladd, who's more of a Mary Poppins kind of character than any Mrs. Claus I've ever seen. She goes to a town filled with Christmas spirit to try and find a new um, human representative or something? She doesn't realize she's harboring the Santa Puppies and that they've stolen the head elf's (Mickey from Seinfeld) magic crystal which grants wishes. When a kid passively wishes everyone's Christmas spirit would go away, and it does, all the dumb Christmas movie shit starts happening. Gotta save Christmas, so on and so forth. This one was easier to digest than the previous two, that certainly doesn't make it a good movie. Mediocre, at best. The little girl sings "Oh Holy Night" and got that shit stuck in my head HARD. The weirdest, and most notable visual was Santa's bizarre hair piece...

3. The Search for Santa Paws (2010)

I Thought this was the first one, though apparently Santa Buddies is, and I didn't get around to that one. So, supposing I didn't miss anything, which I doubt, Santa Paws was surprisingly, mildly enjoyable. It suffers from all of the same problems that a talking dog Christmas movie WOULD, but it caught me off guard with it's ambitious fantasy element. The magic icicle, crystals and lots of good screen cap moments. The sentiments are still relatively worthless but for a puff piece, it's really not so bad. I found it relaxing to craft by.

2. Beethoven's Christmas Adventure (2011)

Now we're backsliding from mediocre to so-bad-it's-good. Nothing's ever really "good" when you're dealing with this stuff. Honestly, this one got me conceptually. Beethoven is another weird animal Franchise I would have never expected to spawn so many sequels. We all know that Charles Grodin made the first two movies good (And ALL movies with Charles Grodin, right?). I always felt they had sort of a Jon and Garfield type of relationship, and it works. Boy does it work. But without Charles Grodin, these movies aren't cute. Who are these people who now inhabit Beethoven's life? What happened to Charles Grodin? Excuse me, George Newton? Do I want to know? Not really. But what you all must know about the course Beethoven's life took is that he now talks and his voice is TOM ARNOLD. What I find really disturbing about this casting choice is that history has now been re-written. He was Tom Arnold all along. I feel betrayed.




1. Hercules Saves Christmas (2011)

If there's one talking dog Christmas movie you see, let it be Hercules Saves Christmas. It's just full of weird. There is SO much wrong with this movie that it completely implodes on itself with Wiseauian precision. Let's start with the casting: The "kid" is not a kid at all, he's basically an adult. He could probably buy cigarettes and vote. The man who it is implied will become his adoptive father is in my opinion, too YOUNG. He looks mid-thirties at the latest. There's also something off about the cast of elves, extremely unprofessional and bordering dwarfsploitation. I also thought that a pit bull was a strange choice for a kids movie lead dog. I like pit bulls as much as the next guy, or any docile canine that isn't trying to rip my face off. From a practical stand point, they kind of have a reputation and also they just don't have the same visual cuddly appeal that a Golden Retriever or St. Bernard has. After a bit of research I found out that the creator of the animal planet show "Pit Boss" is responsible for this mess. It all made sense after that. It's essentially a vanity project in the form of a talking dog Christmas movie. Who could ask for more? Hercules is Shorty's real life pit bull, which explains the lack of um, star power? He also does the voice for Hercules AND plays the priest at the orphanage. I also have a better understanding of why the elf population is so erratic. They're dog wranglers, not actors. In addition to the cast being totally bizarre, the general tone of this film is so off. Long stretches with no music, weird editing choices, parody level green screen fantasy sequences and a villain that is painted up like a Juggalo. At one point during a particular awkward piece of dialog, I was reminded of the infamous so-bad-it's-good masterpiece "Ben and Arthur", if that gives you any idea what level this reaches. This is one of the most entertaining movies I've seen all month and I wouldn't have discovered if I hadn't committed so much time to New Dogsmas. So in the end, it was all worth it. I've found a new garbage fart to add to the hall of fame.  A classic to revisit, time and time again. It's a Christmas miracle.



*BONUS ROUND....


Santa Claws (2014)

I watched a very different kind of Christmas movie called Santa Claws last year. Paralleled only by season and probably budget. This one was put out by Asylum, so you know the drill. It has a Christmas story arch that really gets on my nerves. The whole; not believing in Santa in a world where Santa really exists. This is VERY perplexing. If he exists then isn't it kind of irrefutable? I mean, gifts show up for children. Wouldn't it be like this insane phenomenon? So in Santa Claws, a girl actually sees him turn to gold dust and tornado himself up her chimney but then grows into a woman who doesn't believe in Santa. And in turn won't let her kid celebrate Christmas. Not even a tree, not even a present. So RUDE, almost abusive. The kittens save Christmas, and make her a believer again. That's all I got. While I appreciate that someone said "HEY, enough with the Dog movies, can we get like ONE Christmas Cat movie?". Here it is. Take it or leave it.


In Part 2 I'll give a more general breakdown of some of the highs and lows in the non-dog related Holiday Horrible-Thon. Bye for now!

Schlocktober 2.0 : No Rulez (Early Ju-On)

How is it already October? I've somehow let another year slip by having barely touched this blog. As always, you can expect this month to be my most active of the whole year. I have a new job that's kept me very busy in 2014, a blessing beyond belief, but lately things have slowed down around here. As it always seems to in the late summer/early fall. I've been easing back into my comfort zone with  the steady consumption of constant movie watching.

I'll be the first to admit that sometimes it feel like a task to compose a formal review. I've always enjoyed cataloging the movies I watch and have been doing so for the past year on Letterboxd. The convenience of quickly adding movies to my "diary" and list making attributes makes it too fun to resist.  Feel free to follow me if you're a member. I generally write a blurb every few movies if something stands out, for better or for worse. But now it's October, or should I say ... Schlocktober? My attention has circled by to my love of blogging.

 Last year I assigned myself the difficult task of watching and reviewing one horror movie per day. I would like to do this again, only with less rigid boarders. Basically this year Schlocktober will be a mixed bag of reviews from the current cycle but also a general homage to the season. Meaning, if I can't crank them out, get off back, yo! Not that anyone has ever been on my back about this EVER but whenever I set a goal and don't accomplish it I imagine that I've angered the silent masses. This is almost surely untrue, literally no one cares but if I announce that sucking is apart of the plan it will put my mind at ease when the inevitable scatter brained self loathing begins. I just want to give myself the freedom to write as little or often as I want and in whatever style of tangent I choose. NO RULEZ. Ok, so maybe this is just a preamble to my laziness. But I have so many amazing movies lined up it may also be the best Halloween Season ever.

Let me start by mentioning some recent horror ventures I've taken. Lately I've been rediscovering the Ju-on Series. I watched the theatrical version earlier this year for the first time in ten years. I enjoyed it so much I immediately followed it with the sequel, which I equally loved. No matter how popular or "cliche" these films are, I find myself effected by them. I'm of course strictly speaking of the Japanese series. I barely remember the American Grudge (though I plan to re-watch all three of those eventually too, despite my better judgement). I don't need to sell anyone on Ju-on, pretty much everyone has seen it now, or is very aware of it's existence. I'm here to talk about the four prequels/originals that Takashi Shimizu made between 1998-2000. While they're definitely not without their own following, they're somewhat fresh to me. They have their fair share of spooks and a shot on video quality that we like here at Atomic Caravan.

I started with the two short films from 1998, 4444444444 and In a Corner. These were apart of an anthology featuring a couple of other directors (according to IMDB), though I haven't found anything on the anthology in it's entirety. At only three minutes long they're kind of like teaser trailers for what would become one of the biggest Japanese movie franchises of the next decade.

4444444444

A teenage boy is passing through an alley on his bike when he hears a mysterious phone ringing. He stops and finds an abandoned cellular device hidden in between some boxes. As you could have probably guessed, the number reads "4444444444" (The film is generally known as "Ten Fours"). He answers and hears what we now recognize the signature cat howl sound. I say signature because I'm assuming everyone reading this is familiar with some incarnation of the Ju-on/Grudge movies. If not, this may not be a good review to start with because I don't feel like shielding spoilers. As it's only a brief three minute tease, not much happens. Though he is greeted by an unfriendly visitor and we can imagine what happens next...

In a Corner (Katasumi)

Obviously filmed at the same location, which I realize at this point is supposed to be a school. Two girls are feeding some rabbits for class on their summer break. One girl, Kanna, is complaining about it, as most kids would. Generally just wanting to be somewhere else. While her classmate Hisayo is happily taking care of the bunnies. Kanna swings around a broom in boredom and gets a splinter. Hisayo runs off to get her a band-aid and while she waits we get a POV shot of Kanna being attacked by an unknown something lurking from the woods. When Hisayo returns, there's blood and pieces of dead rabbits everywhere. Kanna is nowhere to be seen. While she's trying to take it all in, something crawls from behind a tree. Not an animal. A ghost lady. You know the one. All creaky and twisted making some not so pleasant frog noises in her throat. Her. That one. She who has wrecked my life. One of the few fictional characters who has genuinely made it difficult to fall asleep because I'm convinced she's crawling around my ceiling. I don't have to elaborate any further. You know how that story ends. Once you see her, BYEEE.

I thought both films were way effective for the micro-budget he was working with. As it turns out, director Takashi Shimizu studies directly under Kiyoshi Kurosawa (Cure, Pulse, Sweet Home) who pushed for the Ju-on films to be made, probably based on these two shorts. Shortly after, the first two direct-to-video films were made...



Ju-On: The Curse

Structurally similar to the famed theatrical version, the story revolves around a haunted house that's ensnred by a gnarly curse. The curse states that when someone dies by the hands of intense rage, the "feelings" that remain will manifest as entities and kill anyone who crosses the threshold. When a jealous husband , Takeo, discovers his wife's obsession with another man (their son Toshio's teacher and former college mate) he convinces himself that he isn't the biological father of Toshio. He then murders his wife Kayako, Toshio and the cat. I'm already familiar with the story and despite having actually already seen this film about ten years ago, I remembered almost nothing about it other than having so many similarities to the 2002 film.

Upon re-watching, it's really not bad at all. The theatrical Ju-On is fine tuned and what I consider to be a near perfect film, it's a treat to see a director's earlier no frills attempt at something that would later make him famous. The scares may not be as severe, the atmosphere might not be as crisp but there's a gloominess about this first effort that strikes me as both emotional and disquieting. Our first time seeing the infamous house, which would be reused in almost every film (all of the ones I've seen so far anyway). It's supposed to be a very average looking house, but to me , especially in these first two films, it has a dullness that really feels like a murder has taken place there.

I love the look on the Teacher's face in this scene.

BYEEE!

One of the best things about the film is that it ties 4444444444 and In a Corner up nicely! The three characters who are attacked in the shorts are written into Ju-On the Curse.





Ju-On : The Curse 2

In the sequel, unfortunately we're forced to watch 35 minutes of the first film all over again. One of the longest recaps I've endured rivaled only by maybe Silent Night Deadly Night Part 2. By the time new plot developments start to unfold we're past the half way mark which doesn't really allow enough time to appropriately finish off the story. It ties up a few loose ends from the first and has a couple of striking moments but overall it was a bit lackluster and certainly my least favorite that I've seen so far (discounting the American remakes).

While struggling with disappointment, there will always be THIS scene...

NOPE!

NOPE!

um...NOPE.

So much nope happening in this scene I can't handle it.




I'm glad I kicked off the season with something that is not cliche but classic. I don't generally boast on about commercially successful films on this blog but it's been rattling around my brain for a few days so now that I've exercised my pallet and now I'm ready for some spooky kicks.



But in case you guys decide to watch it and get too scurred, just do what I did and focus on the porcelain cats.