Atomic Caravan

I'm a failure!

2012-01-21T15:08:00.000-08:00

It's true. I have totally let this blog go to shitsville cause I can't do anything right! Ok, maybe I'm being dramatic. I kept not paying for the internet because I prefer everything I own to be free or stolen. I was kind of going crazy though. Did I mention at any point that our TV kaputzed? I can't even remember how long it's been since I updated. I didn't even look before I started writing this. Well, it did. It was an old shitty 200 lb off brand something-or-another from like 1997. It stopped working over night so we used this even older, even crappier tv we found on the side of the road with dirt jammed in the speakers. It worked pretty well for a few months even though it made my re-runs of Beverly Hills 90210 have a greenish tint. I was content though. Having gone without a tv for weeks means no drunken VHS parties, no Jess Franco marathons, netflix was obsolete, my life was meaningless. AND...ANDDDDD....I still had no internet. I thought I was homeless for a while because I couldnt imagine life being any more cruel.

So the green screen tv curbed my insanity, then I broke down and just got the internet. It was really no big deal and I have no idea why I put that off so long. It's not even expensive. To make matters so SO much better, my mom bestowed upon me an AMAZING flast screen tv and blu-ray player with vieracast and the works. I know this is no new thing, but you've gotta understand I went from using outdated technology for YEARS to having nothing to this. Netflix and youtube piped right in just like magic. So needless to say I've been glued to the screen. I've been keeping up with Endless Fall again and getting the urge to write about movies like currzy.

I've also been getting really addicted to MUBI. I signed up for it a few years ago when it was called theauteurs but there wasnt much back then so I forgot/didn't care. Lately though I've been doing some exploring and having tons of fun. I'll still do my writing here but for lists and ratings and comradery, why not follow me on MUBI, if you're into that sort of thing...

http://mubi.com/users/83897

Yesterday I had myself a little short film festival via youtube on my tv. It was fun getting caught up on some things I'd been wanting to see for a while. I recently discovered Piotr Kamler, the Polish experimental filmmaker. I watched a few of his shorts and fell in love, especially with this one....

I must have watched this 5 times since yesterday. I'm DYING to see his 52 minute sci-fi film Chronopolis. I can't seem to find a complete version though, except on a PAL dvd :-(

Anyway, despite my lameness I do believe it's safe to safe I'm back.

....more or less ;-)

I suck.

2011-08-06T15:25:00.000-07:00

Sooo we lost the internet again. Have I mentioned we don't pay for the internet? Like, ever. We're super cheap and just bounce from unsecured connection to the next. We lost it COMPLETELY. Life has gone on sans internet, I dont really miss facebook or selling movies (which I obviously had to stop) I DO however greatly miss this blog. I watched 69 (high five!) movies last month with no distractions. It was pretty sad not being able to review any of them but I thought I might as well post a few of them just fo' kicks. Here are a few high lights!

The Sinful Dwarf. It'll change your life.

Are there really people who think this is a bad movie? I want everything to do with Johnny Mnemonic.

Goke the Bodysnatcher. One of the best Invasion of the Bodysnatcher rip offs ever. First of all, they're vampires. Space vampires. Secondly, they have big vaginas on their foreheads. Thirdly, this movie was stylistically a big influence on Hausu which is reason enough for endless praise. Lastly...THEY HAVE HUGE VAGINAS ON THEIR FOREHEADS!!!

Why does this movie delight me so? Misfire romantic comedy about two flakey psychics + Peter Falk on the search for El Dorado. Some genuinely funny moments from Goldblum and Lauper is just fucking adorable.

What is there to say about Children of the Corn II? For starters, it appeased my appetite for terrible horror movies during my formative years. I mistakenly rented it when I was 9 thinking it was the original. It's become a personal favorite that I make a point to revisit every few years. It has a lot of great qualities, mostly bad qualities that transcend into good ones when copious amounts of alcohol are involved. Speaking of which, I actually watched this one TWICE in the same week recently. The first to establish the rules of and the second to put into effect, the Children of the Corn II drinking game. Yes, and I promise you. It will fuck.you.up. I dont have the rules with me but if anyone is truly interested I'll post them them for my darling readers.

Alrighty, I'm on a friend's computer so I best be goin'. I'll try to figure something out for my dear neglected blogopshere. I miss you my kitten boogers! <3

Happy Birthday Peter Lorre! - Stranger on the Third Floor (1940)

2011-06-26T23:38:00.000-07:00

Since today would have been Peter Lorre's 107th birthday I decided to celebrate by watching a few of his movies I've had laying around. I'm not sure if I've ever broached this subject on my blog but Mr. Lorre is easily my favorite actor. Not only because I have a huge lady-boner for him , but also for his magnanimous screen presence. He's stolen the show in every movie he appeared in, even if the part was small. There's a reason Charlie Chaplin referred to him as "the greatest living actor". Sadly many of his best films haven't gotten much attention. Of course we all love M, as we mother-fuckin' should! As a result of him being a "character actor" he was often limited to small roles with minimal dialogue. He's best known for his miniscule part in Casablanca which I'd hardly say challenged his incredible acting range. Then there's Mr. Moto, which is my favorite of the white-person-who-clearly-is-not-asian film series' that were popular at the time. Even when he got old and toady he still did wonderful things of the spooks run wild variety for Roger Corman alongside Vincent Price and Boris Karloff. Any way you dice it, Peter Lorre is an international treasure. His life and work should be celebrated, and his birthday a national holiday! It will be for me anyway...

To get the ball rolling I started with Stranger on the Third Floor. A low budget RKO noir thriller about a journalist who witnesses the aftermath of a murder. He walks into a diner to see the owner with his throat slit and a man standing over his body. The man claims that he found him already dead but the journalist, Mike Ward (played by John Maguire) takes for granted that he must be the killer. Despite a very convincing argument, the man is arrested and put on trial for murder. Mike's testimony may put an innocent man on death row. Filled with moral qualms he goes home to see a strange man lurking around his building. When he attempts to ask the man what he's doing, the bugged eye Peter Lorre runs away. Shortly after, Mike realizes that his constantly snoring neighbor is dead silent. He convinces himself that his neighbor has been killed by the intruder and that he will be the prime suspect. We're shown several flashbacks of Mike and his neighbor exchanging words, particularly when the neighbor rats him out for having his girlfriend over and Mike threatens to kill him in front of multiple people. He slips into a state of dementia where he has this Kafka-esque dream of being on trial and no one believing that he didn't do it. No one believes that there was a "stranger" at all. When he awakens, he's completely distraght and decides that he has to know if all of it is in his head or not. He barges into his neighbors apartment to see his throat slit in same way the owner of the diner. This validates his prior freak-out so he impulsively decides to skip town. He calls his girlfriend Jane to meet him in the park to give him some money. Thankfully, she talks some sense into him. He calms down and decides to do the right thing and call the police immediately. The police and DA have an element of doubt but they still heed his warning and follow up on his description, but it's not until Jane goes out of her way to seek this sad eyed villain that any headway is made in the case.

My first complaint about Stranger on the Third Floor is a major lack of Lorre. He doesn't have his first line until the last 15 minutes of the movie and before that we only see him creeping in the shadows and peaking around corners. Although that's where I'd expect to find a Peter Lorre character I was hoping to see more of him in this film. I found myself losing interest in Mike and Jane's romance. John Maguire's nightmare sequence was pretty interesting, but with this film falling right over the one hour mark and having very minimal Peter Lorre screen time it falls a bit short at time. However, this is known to many film historians as the "first" noir film. On top of that the art direction was done by Van Nest Polgase who would go on to do Citizen Kane the next year.

I'm almost ashamed to say I didn't fall in love with this movie. I did so want to! Perhaps it's that I was so bent on seeing Lorre's lovely creep-face. I personally wouldn't upgrade my VHS copy for the Warner Archive release, but it's by no means an unworthy film. Especially given it's credible background. I would most definitely give it a look if you're a completest or you just happen to cross its path. For those who aren't serious noir fiends or Peter Lorre fan-girls, it's really not a matter of urgency.

The celebration isn't over yet! This was a double feature. I might not get around to posting it tonight but be sure to check back for my review for the extremely out of print Face Behind the Mask in which Mr. Lorre THANKFULLY has a starring role!

The Hypnotic Eye (1960)

2011-06-25T20:20:00.001-07:00

The film opens with a beautiful young woman walking into her apartment and going straight to the kitchen to wash her hair. She puts the shampoo in and starts to lather, she turns on the stove and begins to scrub harder and harder over the fire. We see this all from the burner's point of view. Her hair quickly ignites setting her whole head and face a'flame. An unforgettable opening sequence for any time period.

This young woman isn't the first to be found apparently self mutilated. One has washed her face with sulfuric acid, another stuck her face in an electric fan blade. None of the victims remember anything about their accidents. Detective Steve Kennedy thinks the incidents are related and that somehow someone must be influencing them. That same night Steve takes his best girl Marcia and her friend Dodie (played by Merry Anders) to a lounge act featuring a handsome french Hypnotist named Desmond (Jacques Bergerac, ex-husband of Ginger Rogers). He encourages the audience to participate then calls up the three most beautiful women in the audience, even tells an old lady "no, not you" when she excitedly thought she was chosen. Of the three, the pretty girl he favors goes into a special trance.

I'm sure you can see where I'm going with this. That night, she'll go home and be found hideously disfigured the next day. When Dodie becomes the next victim, Marcia gets suspicious. Of course Detective Kennedy has asshole-b-movie-cop-syndrome which makes him obnoxiously skeptical of what's plainly right in front of him. It's not until Marcia uses herself as bait during another show that things begin to add up. She successfully evades the on-stage hypnosis by closing her eyes and pretending to be under his spell. After the show she explains to Detective Kennedy and his Doctor friend (played by Guy Prescott) that he holds a "real eye" in his palm that emits a strange blinking light that lulls you into a deep sleep. She then mentions that his final command is a suggestive whisper in her ear to visit his dressing room after the show around midnight. She's compelled to go so Detective Kennedy and the good doctor decide to follow her and make sure she comes out safely. When Marcia finally does leave she robotically gets into a cab with Desmond, obviously having fallen into the same trap as the other girls. The two follow her on a "date" with the hypnotist. He wines and dines her, they end up at a smokey Beat Club (The Gas House in Venice, California) where we get to see several famous beatniks. Eric "Big Daddy" Nord who was a San Francisco based poet, owner of the famous Gas House and also made appearances in several genre films of the day. The other is Lawrence Lipton who was a famous journalist and also father to James Lipton of Inside the Actors Studio. Marcia has clearly been bewitched by Desmond but it's not until his lovely assistant, Justine played by the magnetic Allison Hayes (shortly after her starring role in Attack of the 50 Foot Woman), is brought into the forefront of this diabolical plot against beauty do the pieces start to fall into place.

There are a lot of notable aspects of the Hypnotic Eye that make it a quirky and enjoyable addition to the myriad of b-movies coming out during that time period. Two names popped in my head when the story began to unfold, firstly, William Castle. Castle is incontestably the King of Gimmicks. He brilliantly and almost single-handedly created a very special and exciting element of the theatrical experience. Audience participation, most notably with the Tingler's "Percepto!" in which vibrating devices were inserted into the seats so you'd feel a tingling sensation during a climactic scene of the movie. He re-worked the gimmick throughout his career also including props for the audience to incorporate into the experience, such as the "Illusion-O" ghost viewer given out at screenings of 13 Ghosts. It became extremely trendy for a while in the late 50's - late 60's to use such gimmicks. The Hypnotic Eye is certainly one such film. Towards of the end of the movie Desmond would have the audience interact with some simple parlor trick hypnosis. Good clean fun and undoubtedly intended for we, the film audience, to participate in (I'd be lying if I said I didn't try a few). There's even a Hypnotic Eye balloon given out to the audience in the film to use in a particular bit and I'd bet a pretty penny those same balloons were handed out to the film going audience as well.

The other name that came to mind was Herschell Gordon Lewis. Why? Because this was OBVIOUSLY an inspiration for the Wizard of Gore. They're almost identical in plot except for the twist at the end of Hypnotic Eye. Wizard of Gore is a mega-cheesey yet straight forward pre-splatter film about a magician who puts female audience members under a trance then butchers her as a shocking "trick" for the crowd. With the wave of a hand she's unharmed only to go home and be found dead in the same fashion in which she was maimed by "Montag the Magnificent". A more gore-centric spin on the same idea, I'd be very surprised if H.G. Lewis wasn't a fan of the Hypnotic Eye.

This is a charming lesser known cult movie. Many fans from it's original release say it can't be enjoyed outside of the theatrical setting and although I'm sure it helps, I found it to be a delight even if disgraced by my home video set-up. Problems with the film? Not many. I would have liked a bit more information on the eye itself or the background of the villains. The tie-together is fine but with so much exposition and build up a little bit of back story wouldn't have hurt. Overall there's a lot of fun to be had here. At times it reminded me of some of those wonderful Criterion b-movies that were released a several years ago such as Fiend without a Face. The print looks great, it's nice to see Warner Archive has finally given it a little but of much needed attention. Although those discs can run a bit pricey and be a gamble, I can assure you that if you're a fan of 50's/60's camp the Hypnotic Eye is a fantastic no-filler example of cult cinema at it's finest sure to satisfy your need for the preposterous.

Rivals (1972)

2011-06-22T16:41:00.002-07:00

My interest in Rivals was aroused when I realized the leading child actor was played by none other than Scott (Bad Ronald) Jacoby. As I would soon find out, he's just as big of a creepy weirdo in this unsung masterpiece of WTF Cinema.

Jamie is an awkward 10 year old kid who has an obsessive relationship with his Mom. His dad died in a skiing accident and ever since Jamie can't stand the site of another man around and appears to be trying to fall into the role of husband. Not completely abnormal, but on top of all this it's made clear he has an above average IQ and obviously an accelerated awareness of sex. He's constantly having these Freudian flashbacks of being in the bathroom with his parents, over-hearing pillow talk, and even a disturbing conversation where his Mother is discussing with a friend that his birth was like an orgasm to which the friend suggests if it was a sexual experience for her it must have been a sexual experience for Jamie. I think she's onto something there, this kid definitely has some sexual hang ups.

Then the Mother, Christine (played by Joan Hacket) meets Peter, a charming Robert Klein. He's impulsive, goofy and crazy about her. They begin dating, but for months Christine won't take Peter home or tell Jamie about this man she becomes involved with. By the time she she decides to break it to Jamie, the two have already decided to get married. Jamie immediately starts displaying jealous and aggressive behavior. This kid is clearly disturbed. He has dreams that are combinations of dark orgies and re-living his father's death. He talks to kids at school about sex in a very advanced way, and even gets himself into a bawdy situation with his babysitter (to say the least).

He obviously suffers from a textbook Oedipus Complex and displays symptoms you'd read about in Psychopathia Sexualis. Then he comes to the conclusion that the only way to take control back is by killing his stepfather. I won't give away the outcome but you can be sure to expect a fiery climax.

Rivals is all over the place. Based on the title and knowing relatively nothing about it, I assumed it was a typical child vs. step-parent movie only perhaps a bit more lurid. I should have known better with Scott Jacoby's involvement. In fact now that I've seen it, "Rivals" is kind of a misleading title. Robert Klein's character is pretty laid back, so there isn't a whole lot of rivalry going on. The mother is constantly molly coddling her pre-pubescent son, and she really doesn't know what to do with him when he acts out. It doesn't bother Peter until she hastily cancels vacation plans without talking it over because of some school problems Jamie's having. The stepfather is treated like the child with no say-so while Mother and Son have their own personal and awkward quality time. Peter exhibits an amplitude of patience with both character's adjustment and receives nothing in return. Christine is too fixated on her son's immediate well being to see the big picture. Jamie however, being one hell of a smart kid, had complete insight into what was happening. Unfortunately his Mother unintentionally continued to cater to her son's warped frame of mind which didn't do anyone any favors.

There were a lot of interesting editing and musical choices. Many scenes reminded me of old episodes of Sesame Street. Montages of people, particularly kids, playing and goofing around in New York set to very jovial and jazzy children's music. Then for Jamie's flashbacks or dreams the editing would get choppy and the audio was a collection of experimental music and sound clips from his distorted memories.

Although there was much subject matter I found disturbing in this film (kids and sexuality can make for an uncomfortable viewing experience), it was also immensely fascinating. Like watching a Norman Bates in the making, or Bad Ronald for that matter. I can also see why this movie has faded into obscurity. It's very eccentric and perhaps a little uneven. It never quite found it's audience, not even it's cult audience as it would seem. It definitely deserves a closer look. A few years ago Code Red gave it a nice release. So if you're interested, pick up a copy and give it a spin. I think it's time for Rivals' revival.

Hookers, Homos, Rapists, Supervans and Gary Busey.

2011-06-20T21:58:00.003-07:00

I've really let this blog go to slacksville in the past month or so. I have a pretty good excuse this time though! My mom flew in from Florida for vacation. I spent a good week domesticating this place before her arrival and obviously didn't get around to watching many movies while she was here. She left over two weeks ago but since I had taken several days off too, I experienced a little bit of post vacation shock. Have you ever had that? It's the like the first week of school, you can't really find your groove because you got used to not having any responsibilities. Anyway, I've been trying to take it easy and in turn have watched many movies, several of which I'm going to touch upon bulk review style.

I'll try to do this chronologically. While my Mom was in town she wanted to hit up as many thrift stores and yard sales as we could so she could hunt for treasures to sell in her vintage Etsy store. This worked out well for me when we hit the jackpot at an Echo Park yard sale in the VHS department. Stacks of b-movies spanning from the 60's-80's! After Mom's departure I partook in some much overdue Hookersploitation with the 1984 film Angel.

I'd been wanting to see this for years. I know it's available on DVD now, but it's so apart of my forbidden video memories that such an upgrade seems unorthodox. I'm used to seeing it staring back at me while browsing for video nasties when I was a kid. I was scandalized and hypnotized by the cover and could only imagine the sleaziness to behold. So finally, I sit down to watch it, and it's NOTHING like I expected. It's not sleazy, it's kind of pathetic. She doesn't really want to be a hooker, she's more of a victim of circumstances. It plays out a lot like an afterschool special, thankfully, there is a serial killer. You know the type, He butchers street walkers for kicks. He helps move this emotionally wrought story along, giving it more of a punch. Despite my love for a good movie killer, the best performance in the film is BY FAR Dick Shawn who plays Angel's drag queen friend and fellow floozy. Dick Shawn has a way of stealing the show in all of the movies he's made an appearance in, Angel is no different. His best scenes are those shared with Angel's "Jew-Dyke" land lady, played by the fantastic Susan Tyrell! Just as bat shit crazy as you'd expect from Queen Doris. All in all, Angel was a little more heavy handed than I would have liked. They make it seem like whoring your body out is a bad thing. Pfft. Not in a low budget 80's movie, my friends.

A little later that week I watched the Stanley Kramer classic, the Defiant Ones, starring Sidney Poitier and Tony Curtis as members of a chain gang. The paddy wagon they're being transported on wrecks creating a perfect oportunity to make a run for it. Completely at odds and bound by chains, they're constantly at eachother's throats. This is the late 50's (and a Poitier movie no less) so you can be sure there's lots of racial tension. In fact, "tension" is probably an understatement. Despite social taboos, they're both criminals and have to work together if they have any chance at freedom.

A wonderful premise for the times although the end confused me a little bit. SPOILER ALERT... Because of injuries Tony Curtis sustains he is unable to hop the train they're supposed to escape by, so what does Poitier do? Jumps off to stay with his friend. I understand that by this point in the film they've accepted one another and have even made a few sacrifices to keep each other alive but this seemed a little absurd to me. I loved the movie so much but the end, however so charming, left me scratching my head a little. It didn't quite add up. So I do a little research to discover that apparently there's this WHOLE homosexual sub-text that I didn't even pick up on. During that time of course gay relationships were terribley watered down in Hollywood films, so it's not unreasonable that this could be overlooked. It makes complete sense in retrospect. There's a lot of cuddling and a general disinterest in women. Sure, Poitier had a wife, but really what does that matter? Especially back then when most homosexuals found wives despite their sexual preference due to social obligations. Curtis, who had quite the reputation in real life, comes close to using an older marm-ish woman as an escape plan but eventually realizes he's better off with Poitier. The scene where he's rinsing his buff body in front of her is almost taunting. Both men are at their sexiest in the Defiant Ones and when they're at odds you can almost feel the flames through the screen. This is all muddled down with obvious racism, which was much more of a commercialized form of biggotry. Interacial homosexuality? Un-fucking-heard of. With lines like "You're married to me alright, and here's the ring!" *rattles chain*, there's an undeniable message. I don't mean to say this is all physical, but now that I've given this some serious thought there's definitely a strong emotional bond between them by the end of the movie that inevitably dictates their fate as a team.

aw, kinda sweet :-)

I finally got around to seeing the 2004 Belgian horror movie Calvaire. Meh. all it really accomplished was reminding me why I don't usually make time for modern horror. Very slow to start, keeping your interest only by making you wonder where the hell they're going with this. The end result was a no frills torture porn that tries to immitate the most harrowing aspects of films like Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Deliverance, with of course none of the artistry or ingenuity.

It's dismal, ugly and not in the least bit scary. The borderline illusive narrative that lingers in this film dissipates after it's realized that everyone is just fuckin' insane. Lots of rapey-ness too. Ohhh, how they rape. Butt raping, pig raping, suggestive cow and dog raping. The gratuitous sex crimes wore on me, especially the manner in which it's presented. Calling the male victim a bitch, beating him bloody, shaving his head, crucifying him, et-fucking-cetera. It's all about humility and shock. I've seen these kinds of images before in film and it got me thinking about rape as a plot device in horror movies. When I was younger I had more of a unphasable curiosity about such visions of suffering. I could definitely attest to my skin being much thicker in my late teens. Now when see these visuals I feel a combination of boredom and revulsion. I need more than just grotesque imagery to appease my horror fandom. I do enjoy storytelling, character development and a little bit of finesse. This isn't about budget, lord knows I've fallen in love with many 'a zero budget movie. This is about content. Calvaire is completely insubstantial and is a good representation of what I don't like about most modern horror. To my personal taste suspense is what controls the terror I might feel watching a horror movie. This trendy international lackluster snuff fad is hopefully a passing one. Perhaps it satisfies other cinepheliacs blood lust but as for me I'll stick to my regularly scheduled programming of films forgotten by time.

After Calvaire I needed something drastically uplifting to wash the taste of dried blood and asshole out of my mouth, so I went with the most redorkulous movie in reaching distance, Supervan! It's a title I've come across many times in my b-movie wanderings but when I saw the cover at Amoeba a few weeks ago it hit me in a different way. I took time to study the creation itself. It's beautiful physique. It may just be the most amazing vehicle I've ever seen. I decided I was in love with it and that I had to leave my husband and cats and marry it. Yes, that's the power of Supervan. So I purchased it on the spot and as fate would have it a few days later a shitty torture porn movie would put me in a bad mood and my soul mate, Supervan, would be waiting on the shelf to comfort me in my time of need.

The story follows a guy who's going to enter his souped up van in a contest called "the Van Freakout of 1976", which is basically a love-in with cool vans and a brief cameo by Charles Bukowski as a wet t-shirt contest judge. While saving a young woman from being raped by bikers, his van gets trashed in a junkyard. Thankfully he has a scientist/inventor friend who's created the Supervan! It "takes on all comers...laser blasting...solar powered...WATCH OUT!". The plot's a little runny, I found myself not really interested in the characters. It's obviously rip-off of Smokey and the Bandit only with vans and no Jerry Reed (which I tend to think helps most movies). Nothing else really matters in this movie except the Supervan. That's the real star here. I'm fascinated with the whole Van culture of the 70's. I've never been into cars at all and (normal) vans always seemed kind of lame. With movies like this, and of course The Van, not to mention a random plethora of 70's drive-in classics that feature tricked out vans I'm starting to see the appeal. At the end of the movie we're treated to a showcase of all the cool airbushed and muraled artwork on the vans from the contest, but you can be sure nothing can top the chic sci-fi wonder-mobile that is Supervan.

Supervan with it's real life inventor George Barris

I know what you're thinking "but Scumbalina, why haven't you been watching any Gary Busey movies?". Never you worry my dears, I saved the best for last. The 1988 action packed classssssssssic Bulletproof.

He may be Bulletproof, but he's not love proof. Busey plays Frank McBain, a tough cop who earned his nickname from having taken 50-something shots in his career. He even keeps the bullets as souvenirs. He's given a top secret assignment to rescue a Supertank (litterally, the tank version of Supervan, this cinematic synchronicity is nothing short of kismet). It's SUPER spectacular, indestructible, impenetrable and infinitely unfuckwithable. An added bonus is that his militant GI Jane ex-girlfriend has been abducted by the terrorist bad dudes as well. Henry Silva leads this incendiary mission of world domination via Supertank high jackery. He plays a stereotypical bad-guy Muslim who unrelentingly rapes insubordinant women in the name of Allah. We get to see Gary Busey coming out ahead in all kinds of situations despite his general ineptitude. In all of his radiant awkwardness we get to see him crotch dive onto Danny Trejo from a rafter and also spinning down a hill on what appears to be an oversized cable roller. If you're not convinced that this is one of the 80's best accomplishments then you just need to get your priorities straight, Butthorn.

On that note, I'm spent. That was a mouth, er...handful, eh, butthorn-ful. I'm going to go dream of Supervan and Busey-isms. Stay cool.

Demons (1985) / Demons 2 (1986) - A Special Event!

2011-05-23T23:12:00.004-07:00

There are some movies that seem to be made for the theater. Demons is one such film. Upon the discovery that the New Beverly would be showing Demons and Demons 2 on a special Sunday night double feature, I had to drop everything to attend. So you'll have to excuse me as this review is not only for one of my favorite 80's monster movies, but also one of the most intense theatrical experiences of my life.

When the announcement was made, I barely noticed any other guest speakers after Lamberto Bava's name popped out of the screen and hit me in the eyeballs. A chance to meet Lamberto Bava? Oh hell yes. I practically ran down the street like a maniac to my storage shed to get my VHS copy of Demons for him to sign. So I left the house at 6:30pm for a show that started at 9pm. Not because it's very far, but because I'm a freak and would rather camp outside the New Bev for 2 + hours than risk getting a shitty seat or worse, it selling out. There had been rumors of Asia Argento making an appearance which isn't really a selling point for me, but I know that it's a deal breaker for a lot of fans. It could have easily resulted in sell out. That ended up not happening, but it was a full house. They opened the doors early so we could start filling to seats. I secured my place in the front row which is ideal with guest speakers I've come to realize. I've been re-reading Showgirls, Teen Wolves and Astro Zombies and writing down every bad movie mentioned for reference, so that helped me pass the time. As the theater filled we were elbow to elbow with strangers, not as intrusive at the New Beverly as it would be in just about any other theater. There's a comradery amongst fans that creates a friendly environment. As the guest speakers it arrive it's announced that Lamberto caught a fever and was unable to attend. I was so grief stricken I almost fainted. I even turned to the guy next to me and exclaimed and outburst of sorrow. Then they started to bring them up, Geretta Geretta and Bobby Rhodes, who I embarrassingly only knew as "Rosemary" and "Tony" prior to that night, but was pleasantly surprised to see their familiar faces, Sergio Stivaletti who did the make-up for Demons and about a hundred other amazing Italian horror movies and then to my shock and delight, Claudio-fucking-Simonetti. I gasped. CLAUDIO SIMONETTI. One of my all time favorite film composers. Goblin was my gateway drug into Italian film music which is a genre commonly heard in the soundtrack of my life.

So they gave an epic Q&A. Someone asked how Stivaletti created the glowing eye effect back in 1985 without the aid of computers. He revealed he used scotchlite, a reflective tape, cutting pieces and placing them over the demons eyes. WOW! Educational. When they were walking back to their seats I managed to tackle Claudio and Geretta to have them sign my copy of Demons. They were both very friendly and accepted my praise graciously. Unfortunately I wasn't able to wrangle Bobby Rhodes or Sergio Stivaletti before the lights went out and the movie was starting. Ah, bummer.

Now let's get to the movie! A mysterious man with a half metal plated face hands out movie passes in a subway for a theater called the Metropol. We don't know what the movie is but our leading lady requests a second pass so she can bring a friend. The two girlies arrive and we're given brief introductions to our cast of victims. Most notably the pimp two prostitutes, having Geretta and Bobby in the audience was a real treat! In the center of the lobby of the Metropol is an awkward statue of a knight (or something) on a motorcycle holding a creepy steel mask. Rosemary jokingly puts the mask on, to which Tony commands her to stop triflin. As she puts the mask back she realizes she has a cut on her face, uh oh. As they watch the film it appears to be a horror movie about four young people in a cemetery who find Nostradamas' tomb, read some incantation on it and turn into demons. During the film Rosemary's face starts bleeding so she excuses herself. In the bathroom he face basically explodes into a festering pustule of gore and nastiness...and we have our first (and best) Demon. Rosemary turns into crazed reptile faced creature of terror. Every victim who meets her claw or fang turns into a like minded Demon. So begins an epidemic.

Insanely gruesome special effects courtesy of Sergio Stivaletti. The film moves at about a million miles an hour once it gains momentum. We're treated to all kinds of fun 80's mayhem, action, sexiness, intentional and unintentional humor, a Rudy Ray Moore-esque pimp, and PLENTY of violence. On top of Simonetti's infectious synthesized score, we also have a plethora of popular rock music by the likes of Motley Crue, Billy Idol and Rick Springfield. There are the obligatory 80's drug addicted punks and rest assure that the motorcycle in the lobby doesn't go to waste. Demons follows the film within a film canon, which has always been a favorite of mine, and really is ideal for a theatrical setting. I always thought that perhaps Demons influenced the 1987 film Anguish in which a murderer goes on a killing spree under the control of a strange horror movie being screened. The same goes for 1991's Popcorn, another classic example of video age dreck that features a possessed film. Demons still runs circles around these movies.

The audience was alive with laughter and celebration. It was truly a glorious occasion. After Demons there was a quick break and then we jumped into the second film. But not before Mr. Clu Gulager came and sat next to me. This may be no big deal to the regulars of the New Beverly since he's apparently been attending the theater on the norm since it's opening in 1978, but to a new girl from a one horse town like Panama City Florida, sitting next to one of the greatest character actors of all time is a pretty big deal. Granted, I've seen him there every time I've gone, but this was the first time I had the opportunity to speak to the man and have a satisfying if not brief conversation about the theater itself, sequels and David F. Friedman. Wow! Then the second picture started...

Demons 2 follows the formula of the first film although this time the movie is being aired on TV instead an unknown theater. It all takes place in an apartment building which we later find out is attached to the TV station that the film is being aired from. A neurotic young woman named Sally is having a birthday party. She's played by Coralina Cataldi, who's like the 80's giallo version of Pheobe Cates. I remember her most notably for her role in Argento's Opera. The whole knife-in-the-mouth-necklace scene is emblazoned in my memory forever. So Sally isn't coping well with her birthday, or something. It's never really made clear, but she's definitely on edge. Every little thing makes her throw a temper tantrum ending with her locking herself in the bedroom. While her friends are in the living room partying she's planted in front of the TV watching THE MOVIE, a demon pops out the screen and gets 'er. It's Demon time. Sally, much like Rosemary, turns into a badass demon and goes on a rampage

We also get to see this...

Turn into this...

We also get one of these...

The demon child also spawns a cute little puppet monster creature ala gremlins-munchie-ghoulies-critters-what-have-you. Bobby Rhodes returns in Demons 2 to serve some much needed demon ass kicking. Not as the same character of course, this time his pimp persona is delivered in the form of a bossy gym instructor. I haven't even mentioned the two main characters, George and Hannah. Probably because they're a little on the boring side. Although Nancy Brilli as Hannah may just be the prettiest little pregnant lady I ever did see. The two have to fight their way through the mayhem to save their unborn child. Charming as they may be, Sally reigns supreme in coolness as did Rosemary in original. I paid to see demons dammit!

A darn good sequel if I do say so myself. After the movie Clu turned to me and said "So what'd ya think?" and I said "it was great! I loved it!", he said "Me too. It's my favorite of the two." WOW, so there you have it folks.

Things I learned tonight:

*Claudio Simonetti is pretty handsome for his age
*He wears a t-shirt for his own band. Which doesn't do anything for him. In fact it's kinda dorky. That would be like me wearing a shirt with my own face on it.
*Scotchlite is the cheapest way to create glowing demon eyes.
*Bobby Rhodes' awesome Rudy Ray Moore voice definitely isn't his own since he barely speaks English.
* Clu Gulager prefers Demons 2 to the original.

I might disagree ever so slightly with Clu, but that's not to say I didn't adore Demons 2. I love them both but the original has a mysticism and finesse that can't quite be matched. It's a classic and I would encourage anyone who hasn't seen it to drop everything and get on that shit!

Over all it was a most excellent event! All that was missing was Lamberto Bava and maybe some William Castle-esque shenanigans to make it even more festive. Ahh well, you can't win them all! But you can come pretty close when it comes to the New Beverly!

Starlet (1969)

2011-05-15T17:27:00.003-07:00

This movie felt like a swan song of sorts. The tragic end of the marathon and also somewhat cheekily autobiographical. Starlet is about the adult movie industry, more specifically the production of Nudies. A young devil-may-care softcore pornstress is easily swayed into going hardcore by her sleazy director Phil Latio (yep). She sleeps her way to the top becoming more and more successful. The role of the sordid producer is played by Russ Meyer alumni Stuart Lancaster. He's got that whole slimy thing down pat. She has two roommates, one a slutty free love bleach blonde Liza Minelli look-alike who runs around in a short smock and no underwear AT ALL. Her other roommate is much more prudent. An "actress" who's ironically engaged to a smut director. She also has one of the weirdest birthmarks I've ever seen, I kept thinking there was spilled wine on her chest.

There's a lot of betrayal, hard feelings and general diva antics. Considering this was the last film in the marathon I was feeling pretty much rung out to dry. Completely desensitized to humping and hijinks, this marginally entertaining depiction of casting couch film making was about as un-sexy as Blood Feast. The acting is fair and the plot holds your attention but I was a bit underwhelmed with this one. I see what they were doing here and it was a noble attempt but next to Space Thing, Starlet is my least favorite of the bunch. Which makes sense because that would be book ending the festival with the weaker movies that only the die hards could bravely survive.

Director Richard Kanter did several blue movies in the 60's and 70's including Thar She Blows, The Erotic Adventures of Robin Hood (both Friedman) and Wild Riders. The Starlet herself, Shari Mann didn't do much else outside of Pussycat Sexploitation. She does offer an interesting take on a character you might otherwise find undignified. She plays Alison Jordan AKA "Starliss Knight" very cool. Her shrewdness could almost be viewed as wisdom considering her bold career moves campily made everyone rich and happy in the end.

In summary, this event is one to be cherished. With it's ups and downs it was an over all success. An amazing turn out and a thoroughly entertaining experience I'm proud to be apart of. Honestly, I'm a little impressed with myself for making it through the whole damn thing. As I mentioned in my introduction, I've never watched 7 movies in a row before. Let alone in a theater in rapid succession. It made a man out of me and I have the New Beverly and the course the late David F. Friedman to thank for that.

(R.I.P December 24th 1923 - February 14th 2011)

The Pick-Up (1968)

2011-05-15T12:54:00.001-07:00

I had no idea what to expect from The Pick-Up. Based on the rest of the festival I anticipated plenty of sex and violence, and I wasn't far off. What I wasn't expecting was a respectable post-noir movie reminiscent of gritty Euro-crime cinema. The story follows two mob couriers who make a pick-up of a large amount of money in Vegas and are instructed to drive it back to their boss in Los Angeles. Along the way they see two attractive girls stranded on the side of the road with car trouble. The smarter of the two, Tony, wants to press on because he understands the gravity of the situation. The rookie, Frankie, has a one track mind so he insists that they turn around and go help the girls. Frankie ultimately gets his way so they end up giving the girls a ride. This is when we're reminded that it's still a David F. Friedman movie, Frankie and the cuter of the two girls start to get it on in the backseat making for a very awkward moment in the front seat. That is until they stop at an auto shop where the front seat girl goes in and claims their car will be towed there within the next few hours. What better opportunity to go get a motel room and fuck total strangers, right? The whole thing stinks to high heaven and I can't believe these poor saps are fell for it. So they go, they get separate rooms and they start to go at it. Sure enough, the girls have guns, the guys get tied to the bed so they make off with the car AND the money. The guys are in deep shit.

From there the story goes on to show the guys in a frenzy trying to catch up with the thieving ladies because if they can't get the money back, they'll surely be killed. It would have been a much better movie without all the gross sex, and I really just mean naked David F. Friedman in an awkward sex scene I'll not soon forget. Director Lee Frost is responsible for such b-movie fodder as The Thing With Two Heads, Love Camp 7, Mondo Bizarro, Black Gestapo and the Defilers. His team up with Friedman who has formerly been his rival, was a match made in some kind of softcore nipple electrocuting heaven.

Mike Vraney, owner and founder of Something Weird Video told a great story about his hunt for The Pick-Up. Friedman considered it the Holy Grail of his lost roughies. As far as he knew there were no existing prints in the world. Vraney, who is a real cinematic archeologist made it a personal goal to track it down. After decades of hunting he finally found a print in a vault in Copenhagen Denmark. The print he discovered that day is the one readily available on DVD-R in the Something Weird catalog in English with Danish subtitles. It's also the print we were shown for the event. In my research I cam across the Swedish title, "Den vilda jakten på nakenbrudarna" , which hilariously translates to "Romancing the Naked Chicks".

After sitting for hours in the theater absorbing everything that was being thrown at me it was nice to take a step back and watch a solid suspense film. The Pick-Up is perhaps not for everyone's taste but worth a look for connoisseurs of cult crime anti-classics, Something Weirdos, and David F. Friedman fans alike.

Blood Feast (1963)

2011-05-15T04:04:00.003-07:00

For whatever reason, Blood Feast has always been considered controversial. You would think after 40 years of trash and torture porn people would ease up on it a bit but if you browse reviews for the film , you'll most likely find vents of antipathy towards it. Even at the David Friedman retrospective several of the speakers referred to it as "vomitous", "grotesque" and of course just flat out terrible. It didn't help that I had a couple of idiots behind me who thought their commentary was more entertaining than the movie. Perhaps I'm a bit biased but I don't really view Blood Feast as being anything less than a pioneer of it's genre. The invention of "Gore" alone is worth endless praise. I guess I just never took Blood Feast very seriously, other than it being seriously entertaining.

I'm I the only one whoever thought that the guy on the poster looks more like Mark Twain than Fuad Ramses?

Mal Arnold plays Fuad Ramses, an Egyptian caterer who runs a store that specializes in exotic cuisine. When a woman comes in and hires him to cater her daughter's party he realizes that this is the perfect opportunity to prepare his human feast for the Goddess Ishtar. We see Ishtar and she appears to be a mannequin spray painted gold. He goes on his killing spree where we're treated to seeing him maim young girls in various different ways taking certain body parts for his cannibalistic buffet.

I always found Blood Feast to be a somewhat beautiful film. I know I know, ridiculous, right? Upon every viewing I feel like I'm put in a trance. It's hazy and confusing in it's absurdity. It's both nightmarish and charming. There's an otherworldly aura surrounding the film. It really feels like it was made in another time and place, and I don't mean Miami in 1963. The music adds to this, Lewis' score of organ music and tribal drums sets an arcane undertone to the production. Fuad himself is such a strange little villain. He's a cartoon and I can't be reviled by him. He has giant penciled in eyebrows, a dramatic limp and a distinctly over characterized accent that makes you want to hang on to his every word. You might even find yourself rooting for him, because he's certainly the most likable character in the movie. I can hardly resent the film or H.G. Lewis that the end result is a little cheesy. Ok, so it's a lot cheesy, so what? I don't believe for a second that Lewis and Friedman weren't completely aware of what they were making, and let's face it, they're exploitation filmmakers who were out to turn a buck. There are obvious moments where the film it pokes fun at itself. The dim witted cops offer exagerated comic relief by supplying the narrative and re-explaining events the audience has already witnessed on screen. Of course there's also Fuad's book Ancient Weird Religious Rites which I think is rather self explanatory and proof that the filmmakers had a sense of humor.

Love it or hate it, Blood Feast is a cult classic that's spawned remakes, rip-offs even an overdue sequel in 2002. I happen to think it's a GREAT movie. Not kidding here. In all of it's flaws it's held up as a festive frolic of raw unrefined carnage. It's not going anywhere and will likely continue stirring up mixed feelings for generations to come.

A Smell of Honey, A Swallow of Brine (1966)

2011-05-10T20:06:00.000-07:00

This movie is essentially about the dangers of being a cock tease. Stacey Walker plays Sharon Winters, a tempestuous sex pot who gets her kicks by luring men (and women) into thinking she's going to go all the way with them. The movie begins with a hot and heavy make out session in a car that's about to take a turn for the penetrative. She's nude, he's aroused and suddenly she starts telling him to stop. He won't, he's too worked up for that. There's a struggle then right as the title appears Sharon pops up and screams "RAPE!". This opening sequence is a very memorable one, and a wonderful introduction to our main character. A cop comes to her aid and the boy gets arrested and is sentenced to several years in a boot camp. My first thought at this point in the movie is that this will be her decent into whorishness.

Earlier in the David F. Friedman marathon they had shown a trailer for A Smell of Honey, A Swallow of Brine where she is repeatedly referred to as "the worst kind of woman". The men in the audience are warned to avoid women like Sharon Winters, and the women are urged to see what she is so that we can be glad we're not like her. The trailer goes on to state the debauchery we're to bare witness too, and we're shown examples with scenes of Miss Winters being whipped while chained up in a dark room and performing fellatio on a coke bottle. I basically expected her to be the biggest slut ever. Boy was I wrong...

After the trial Sharon seems unscathed and quite pleased with herself. She lays half naked on her bed and talks to her lesbian roommate in a very suggestive conversation which dances around the subject of desires for one another. Sharon goes on to tell her roommate that she has a date with a boring guy from the office and that she's in for an uneventful night. When her date arrives, you can immediately see he's uncomfortable with her forth rightness. He's a fuddy duddy and brings a nice little gift for Sharon, who's wearing nothing but a bathrobe. She pours him a giant tumbler full of rum and invites him upstairs so he can "talk to her" while she takes a bath. Cleverly positioned, we can see her undressing slowly for the camera in the mirror. He's becoming more and more uncomfortable. She gets out and lays on her bed asking him if he's ever made love to a woman. He's timid but ultimately accepts her forward invitation. After all of this prolonged stimuli you're kind of ready for them to have sex, but sure enough, what happens? "Stop it! I'm a virgin, stop! RAPE!". The first scenario left a lot to speculation but after this poor sap you begin to see that she's kind of just a crazy bitch. She laughs as he runs for the door, never to be seen again.

Her next victim is her own roommate who's been lusting after Sharon for a long time. She obliges her in some girl on girl touchy-feely time but invariably reacts the same way when things get a little too steamy. This scene ends with the famous line "I may be a bitch, but I'll never be a butch", with her kicking her roommates ass to the curb.

The next victim is my favorite. A new co-worker, Lowell Carter, a handsome all around good guy. He's instantly attracted to her and they begin to date. She plays it cool at first, obviously wanting to extend her fun. Long kisses at the end of the night, and he's very respectable. He takes his blue balls and leaves in peace. Then he begins to have very salacious and quite violent dreams about Sharon. This is where most of the trailer footage comes from. Her being chained and whipped by him, and then the reverse, her with devilish make-up in sex black undies whipping him. My favorite scene is in one of these dreams. He's sitting at a bar, shaky, smoking a cigarette while she's stripping coming at him from the other end of the long stretch. She takes off her top and we see these ridiculously huge pasties that look like giant black nipples. The look on his face really sums up our feeling watching all of this go one. At that point you're pretty much ready for Sharon to just screw someone, and who better than poor Lowell. He's been so nice and I actually started to believe that he meant it when he said that he was falling in love with her. Her manipulative games planted this ugly seed of aggression in his mind, eventually bringing out his violent urges which explodes on screen in a way I'll resist from mentioning as to not engage in too many spoilers.

Lowell was an ok guy, and that was the most extended tease yet. After he's out of the picture, how could we go on? Well, let's just say she meets her match and her life is altered, forcibly, and in a very ironic way. If not so comically fitting, it's bruteness could be mistaken for chauvinistic. You can't really think in those terms as far as sexploitaton movies go, or David F. Friedman for that matter. Sharon Winters really could be considered "the worst kind of woman" but not for the reasons I would have automatically assumed. This is a very erotic and stylish film. I was pleasantly surprised by it's steady incline of tension and the amusing outcome. This was my favorite movie in this film fest of the ones I had not already seen (stay tuned for my review of Blood Feast) and was a perfect choice for the middle slot, as it perked me up for the remaining films. Stacey Walker was charming, funny, had a great/bad laugh and teetered between being sexy and skanky perfectly. She spends most of the movie being naked or half dressed and yet there is relatively no sex at all. This is a very special roughie, possibly my all time favorite of the genre and I give it my utmost recommendation! I'll be buying my own copy very soon!

Stick around, there's more to come in this David F. Friedman marathon. Next we take a break from sex and focus on what made the Godfather of Gore infamous in BLOOD FEAST <3

She Freak (1967)

2011-05-08T16:07:00.001-07:00

With David F. Friedman's background as a carny, She Freak could be considered his opus. He traveled with carnivals when he was a kid which gives us a lot of insight into his legacy. She Freak is about a small town southern Waitress, Jade Cochran, who wants a better life for herself. So she quits her job and starts waiting tables for a carnival food stand. Definitely doesn't appear to be much better but she's happy with the change of scene and the opportunity to travel. She meets a lot of people, including a burlesque dancer named Moon who becomes her roommate. She also meets a beefy tough guy named Blackie who runs the ferris wheel. She's instantly drawn to him. Jade inquires to Moon about the single men around the carnival, Moon describes a few eligible bachelors. The most appealing was the well-off Steve St. John, who runs the freak show. Jade is starting to show signs of her gold digging nature by instantly being interested in him because of his money. She pursues Steve (played by Bill McKinney, who spoke before the showing) and they begin courting. During this time, she also hooks up with Blackie for a one night stand. Uh oh! Our little midget friend from the side show see's her leaving his cabin late at night which is a good sign that there's trouble to come.

For fear of giving too much away, I'll leave the plot description at that. I'll just add one thing, if you haven't seen this, expect a blatant rip-off of Todd Brownings Freaks. That's not a bad thing though, it's a nice homage and certainly has it's own flair. One of the most interesting aspects of She Freak is the documentary style footage of carnival life. In between the story we're shown in great detail the routines of the workers, the vendors, the rides, the side-shows,the game booths, the food being prepared and even the tents and rides being taken down and re-built. Where as Freaks showed us how these infamous people with seemingly unlivable disabilities function, She Freak shows us the gritty lifestyle and occupations of your average carny folk. They even break down the lingo for us.

It's really quite a remarkable film when you look at the big picture. It's educational and the story is an pays respect to one of the greatest movies ever made. The acting isn't too bad in my opinion either. Claire Brennan does a wonderful job as the greedy, underhanded Jade Cochran, and Bill McKinney would go on to star in movies like the Outlaw Josey Wales, First Blood, the Green Mile and most infamously as Ned Beatty's redneck rapist in Deliverance.

She Freak is definitely not to everyone's taste. Even fans of b-movies might be a little disappointed. There is a lack of freaks in the movie, which is what the title is trying to sell you on. As I'm sure David F. Friedman knew when he made it, you can't please everyone. If you're interested in seeing a historical account of carnival life with a fairly entertaining modern (for the 60's) spin on Freaks, then surely check it out.

Stay tuned for my next David F. Friedman review! A Smell of Honey, A Swallow of Brine...

Scum of the Earth (1963)

2011-05-07T11:55:00.003-07:00

Herschell Gordon Lewis has been a favorite director of mine for years. His movies (and maybe Basket Case as well) are single handedly responsible for introducing me to Something Weird Video when I was in my teens. Naturally, a few would slip through the cracks. I focussed on his gore movies almost completely over looking his other facets of exploitation. Scum of the Earth was a title noticed, but with so much schlock to go through it remained just another notch on my massive to-see list. I hadn't even realized that it's known for the most infamous speech in the entire Something Weird catalog.

For a movie that at first glance could appear to be just another trashy exploitation flick, it's surprisingly tasteful. Like an artfully executed after school special. A talented smut photographer, Harmon Johnson played by William Kerwin, and an ex-model played by Sandra Sinclair are stuck in an illegal pornography ring. Sandy wants out and the boss has promised this to her if she can produce a new model. The target: a young college bound girl. She needs tuition money and they tell her she'll just be modeling shoes and bathing suits. It starts well, she's happy with her new job and fast cash. Harmon earns her trust and they develop a friendship. The boss, Mr. Lang played by Lawrence J. Aberwood is a serious cigar chomping asshole. He's got sleaze written all over him. There's also a few lackies named Ajax and Larry. Ajax is a hulking buffoon who likes to play rough with the models. Larry is played by Mal Arnold, infamous for portraying the wild eyed, Ishtar worshiping Egyptian feast making Fuad Ramses in Herschell Gordon Lewis' legendary Blood Feast. I can't even express how excited I was to see him in another roll. Hilariously, his character constantly reminds us that he's a minor, when he's obviously at at least thirty. Adding even more irony is that he plays an old man in Blood Feast which was made the same year. It's this kind of campy foul play that has made me a fan of anything with H.G. Lewis' name on it. Mal Arnold isn't the only Lewis/Friedman alumni. William Kerwin is also a major player in Blood Feast, A Taste of Blood, Two Thousand Maniacs, Suburban Roulette, the Adventures of Lucky Pierre and Bell, Bare and Beautiful. I always enjoy seeing him as the ideal straight man. That's what I love about Scum of the Earth, we get to see him break away from that and play a sleaze for a change, and I might add he never looked better. White hair on the sides and a five o'clock shadow. I barely recognized him with all that sexiness going on.

Although Scum of the Earth is considered a roughie, it's quite tame. As I mentioned there's almost no nudity, just silhouettes and a few I-think-I-just-saw-a-nipple moments. Unlike most roughies, this film has a happy ending! So you can look forward to not needing a shower afterwards. Based on Lawrence J. Aberwood's notorious "You're Damaged Merchandise, and this is a Fire Sale" speech, you would expect a lot more trashy happenings. In the end we're left with what could be considered an exceptionally well made public service announcement on the dangers of pornographers. Which I believe is a wink at the audience since that's what H.G. Lewis and even more so David F. Friedman are famous for. They turned themselves into overly caricaturized villains for this movie.

This has become an instant favorite of mine. It may be a little too modest for some exploitation fans, but for me Mr. Aberwood's venomous sermon on why Little Miss Muffet is dirty deep down inside, do you hear me? Dirty! I think his vileness makes up for the lack of vulgarity from the other characters. On that note, I'll leave you with something you've probably seen hundreds of times...

Stay tuned for my third review in the David F. Friedman retrospective, She Freak. Until then I bid you adieu...

Space Thing (1968)

2011-05-05T10:29:00.005-07:00

I'm just going to go ahead and say it. This was the weakest movie in the marathon. That's probably why they showed it first at 3pm to the sparse audience of early comers. That's still speaking highly of this entire event because I did quite enjoy it.

A man obsessed with sci-fi magazines finds himself bored with his horny wife, when she complains about the magazines coming in between them he puts them down momentarily to take us into a long awkward sex scene (the first of many I would see in the course of the next 12 hours). Post coitus he immediately starts gazing at his beloved science fiction comics again and without notice we're taken into a world of fantasy where our bored husband is posing as an alien (a human looking alien) to infiltrate an enemy space ship which just happens to be crawling with half nude women. They all of course find him irresistible and are itching to get him alone for, um, probing?

"Visit The Planet Of the Rapes!" - HA! How misleading!

The movie doesn't really go anywhere. Its known as "the worst sci-fi movie ever made with nudity", which I think is an accurate description, although Doris Wishman's Nude on the Moon is viable contender. There's something very Ed Wood feeling about this movie. The forced dialog carries out the half assed plot humorously. The protagonist constantly reminds the audience of his revulsion to these femaliens, but how he MUST complete his mission. The few other men on the ship are apparently inadequate. The captain is a sexy dominatrix, she of course eventually comes around and wants to sleep with him too.

The sex scenes are the most boring part of the movie. They aren't really having sex, just making out. The girl is naked, the guy usually isn't, they lay side by side on a space bed and do this for for at least five minutes at a time. I would notice over the course of the evening that this is David F. Friedman's choice manner in which he exploits sex. More like suggestive dry humping if you ask me. The aspects that make some of these movies raunchy aren't the "sex", it's the prolonged foreplay. At the beginning of Space Thing for example, there's a painfully long scene where his wife is licking his, um...something hairy...I never really figured out what. It just looked like she had a mouth full of hair. It was truly revolting!

I loved that the opening credits of Space Thing were painted on a female body.

The climax of the movie, which is set in the desert (supposedly an alien planet), is mostly the girls topless running around the barren rocky landscape. It also features the most laughably ineffective "explosion" I've ever seen in a movie.

This review is running a little short, but it was a very short movie! I'm glad I was able to catch it at the theater. I would have never sought it out myself and being just barely over and hour it was a nice aperitif for the main attractions.

A Tribute to David F. Friedman

2011-05-03T19:15:00.001-07:00

I was lucky enough to attend a 12 hour David Friedman retrospective last Saturday at the New Beverly. There are several reasons this occasion was very special. New Bev's celebrity tributes are always heart warming and sincere, no matter how sleazy the films are. There's an enthusiam amongst the audience and staff that creates creates a comfortable environment for movie fanatics alike. Then there's the movies themselves, beautifully unrestored in all of their 33mm glory. Whether you have a penchant for cult movies or classics, the New Beverly really delivers the bacon.

David F. Friedman was always just a name I saw on my H.G. Lewis movies or peppered in my Something Weird catalogs. I noticed that he produced mostly nudies, which based on what I've seen from other schlockmiesters isn't a very exciting genre. Mildly (at best) entertaining plots sparsely inserted between painfully drawn out soft core sex scenes. This prevented me from digging much deeper than my beloved Herschell's filmography. Although Friedman was a blip on my cinematic radar, my fandom definitely came to fruition with the passing of this phenomenal tribute.

When I saw the advertisement on the flyer, only a few of the films had been announced. I was mostly excited about Blood Feast. It's been one of my favorites for years and the prospects of seeing it in the theater seemed too good to be true. I've taken a lot of time off of work recently for various events so I decided to leave this one up to fate. If I got the day off, great. If not, oh well. As chance would have it, I got the day off. My husband unfortunately didn't so it looked like I was flying solo. I thought about just catching three or four of the movies, then realized that it didn't make sense to only see a few when I had the whole night clear and this was kind of a once in a lifetime event. So I showed up at 3pm for the first movie, Space Thing, which you can expect a review for shortly.

I walked in knowing relatively nothing about David F. Friedman, after 12 hours and several guest speakers telling stories I felt like we were good friends. I feel kind of blindsided by this whole aspect of exploitation which is slightly embarrassing considering it's been staring me in the face for years. So I'm writing this blog to set up my next 7 reviews. That's right, I'm reviewing each every one of the films that were burned into my retinas during that 12 hour period. I've never watched that many movies in one sitting before. Four, maybe five at my most obsessive during a period of unemployment. This whole event has really swept me away. I've felt strange and on some kind of smut movie high for days. That could also be the head cold I caught from sitting confined place breathing the same stale air as 50 or so other people for 12 hours. Yuck. Totally worth it, and even perhaps fitting?

So here's the line up...

Space Thing (1968)
Scum of the Earth (1963)
She Freak (1967)
A Smell of Honey, A Swallow of Brine (1966)
Blood Feast (1963)
The Pick-Up (1968)
Starlet (1969)

I'm going to try and review them straight through, as to not get distracted by other movies I may watch before I complete this task. Be sure to check back, I should have my review for Space Thing up before the night is over.

<3

Top 10 Appearances of Satan in Film

2011-04-25T17:13:00.037-07:00

I was thinking about how cool Satan is the other day. Not the serious biblical version of Satan. The characterization of the Devil in movies. What makes a good movie devil? There are basically two different types you'll likely see in a movie he's featured in. There's the horror Satan. He's a really bad guy. Responsible for possession and the gnashing of teeth and whatnot. Then there's the bargaining Devil, Mephistopheles. He's much more charming, generally suave and disguises himself as the guy you'd least likely expect to steal your soul. Sometimes he doesn't even want your soul, occasionally he's just a teacher of very harsh lessons. I'm fascinated with the interpretations of Satan on screen. Can you think of a better Super Villain? It doesn't get much more intense then the Devil himself. So I decided to make an admittedly uneven list of my favorite appearances of Satan. There's still a lot I haven't seen. I feel almost foolish for not being able to list the Devil Rides Out or Vincent Price in the Story of Mankind. I sadly have not seen those films and probably a good portion of other classics. I made a point to make this list specifically personifications or embodiments of Satan. No Anti-Christs, no devil worshiping cults, no exorcism movies, none of that unless the big bad boss himself makes an appearance.

By the way, this whole blog is just full of SPOILERS. So if you don't want to know that characters you might not have known were actually Satan until the end of the movie, um...don't read this. You've been warned.

I had to leave a few off. Either I ran out of room or it didn't meet my strict standards. One flick I was very displeased for having to omit was Jan Svankmajer's 1994 esoteric rendition of Faust.

Having a list of Satan appearances without mentioning Faust is like writing an essay on Hell in literature and leaving out Dante's Inferno. It belongs here, yet it's overpowering elements of puppetry and animation went against the idea that Satan is personified. In this masterpiece, Satan speaks through strange dolls and marionettes. Faust Lesson is a notable entry to the genre and is easily my favorite take on Johann Wolfgang von Goethe's monumental tale of man's thirst for knowledge versus his moral integrity.

On that note, let's get to the list! without further adieu...

10.

Tim Curry in Legend (1985)

I figured I should go ahead and get this one out of the way for #10. I thought about leaving it off for something perhaps a little less obvious, but who am I trying to kid? I can't leave this guy off! Tim Curry was a bad ass Satan , or Lord of Darkness rather. He often refers to another entity as being higher than he. I always assumed that Darkness itself was actually "Satan" and he is just it's incarnate. I mean, he has his army of goblins kill unicorns for Christ's sake. He is one ugly dude, complete with horns, hooves and a big red face. Somehow still managing to look like Tim Curry. He's easily the coolest mainstream Satan. The only thing that's disappointing about him is that he is somehow defeated by Tom Cruise of all people. Ugh.

9.

Charlie Davoa in the Killing of Satan (1983)

Possibly one of the most underrated b-movies of all time. This Satan is responsible for more nonsense and mayhem than any other on my list. The characters in this movie have a hard time trying to kill this Satan. His obstacles include laser blasting, boulder dashing and snake slapping. His bad ass sorcery has to be seeen to be believed <3

8.

Anton Lavey in The Invocation of My Demon Brother (1969)

When it comes to the occult you can always turn to Kenneth Anger for delivering a shamelessly iconoclastic product. The Invocation of My Demon Brother is arguably Anger's best short, and certainly his crowning achievement of the hippie movement. The (roughly) 10 minute short features a colorful cast of characters for a movie with zero dialog. Mick Jagger (who also did the wonderful score), Keith Richards, Kenneth Anger himself, Bobby Beausoleil who would later that year be convinced of killing Gary Hinman under the orders of Charles Manson, and none other than the creator of the Church of Satan, Anton Lavey AS Satan himself. Lavey only made two film appearances (this and the Devil's Rain, in which he also played Satan). As a character, I find him unassailably cool, but then again you only see him for a brief moment in this film so his appearance doesn't warrant I higher spot on this list. I couldn't exactly NOT include him though could I?! That would be like not including an Aleister Crowley film appearance or the Devil himself. As you can see, he's dressed like what I can only assume inspired Francis Buxton's devil costume in the Pee Wee's Big Adventure. I like that he's more of a cartoonish devil than something dark and grim. Perhaps my standards are a bit skewed. As I said, I like Anton Lavey as a character and in pop culture. His song "Satan Takes a Holiday" is pure camp, and seeing him in this classic art house favorite was a real treat.

7.

Tom Waits in The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus (2009)

I think we all thought it at one time or another. "Tom Waits should totally play Satan"...ok, maybe that was just me. It's always a delight to see Waits' film appearances, and this long awaited almost-didn't-happen Terry Gilliam film appeased my appetite in more ways than one. Waits plays the "devil on your shoulder" type in this one. He really doesn't seem like a bad guy at all, in fact I'd quite enjoy his company if Satan was really like this. In the end he appears to be more like Doctor Parnassus' friend than foe. That's why he's officially this lists nicest Devil, aw shucks :-)

6.

Peter Cook in Bedazzled (1967)

Not all Satans are serious. Some are just down right delightful. In Bedazzled we're treated to Peter Cook's mischievous antics against a lovesick Dudley Moore. He's more of a whimsical prankster devil. At his hellacious factory he has a conveyor belt where new hit records are being delivered specifically for him to scratch and repackage. He's the "be careful what you wish for" kind of Devil as he takes the pussified Moore through a series of would-be fantasies gone awry. It's hard to imagine that the atrocious remake with Elizabeth Hurley sprung from the loins of this comedic masterpiece.

5.

Jose Luis Aguirre ‘Trotsky’ in Santa Claus (1959)

Once you've entered the world of cheesy Mexican kids movies, there's really no turning back. It's like making a pact with the devil in its own way. Anything with K. Gordon Murray's name attached to it is sure to be a riot. He's also responsible for Robot Vs. the Aztec Mummy, the Witch's Mirror not to mention a slue of mediocre sexploitation and El Santo movies. Add to the that, the UNfamous Rene Cardona being in the directors seat! Oh yeah, it just doesn't get better than this! "Pitch" is the bright red devil whose goal is to ruin Christmas for all the little boys and girls. I guess he's more of a minion of hell than thee actual Satan himself, but whadaya want?! For all intents and purposes he is a representation of the Devil. This movie is pure unbridled camp. Probably the plushiest movie in my Satanic roster from back when kids' movies really had something to offer and their makers had some balls!

John Goodman in Barton Fink (1991)

Leave it to the Cohens to insert a subtle (or not so subtle) average Joe kinda Satan in one of their bleak comedies. For the record, I'm new to Barton Fink. I only saw it this week and it was actually the inspiration for this entire list. Some people doubt that Goodman was Satan at all. I guess those people assume the hotel walls igniting into flame was just for dramatic effect? Or that his role defining quote "I'll Show You the Life of the Mind!" was just the ramblings of "Madman Mundt"? I think it's safe to say that this Faustian tale of selling ones soul to Hollywood is a bit more straight forward than that. John Goodman as Charlie Meadows falls under the likable Devil category. He's not bargaining for Barton's soul, he's just letting Fink's own arrogance lead the him down a path of misfortune, with a little extra push. In the end, Barton is trapped. Contractually shackled to Los Angeles and the broken existence of a fallen hack writer.

3.

Burgess Meredith in The Sentinel (1977)

My love for Burgess Meredith may have made me a bit biased in bumping this entry to the #3 spot, but you know what? The ending of this otherwise mediocre film really shocked me! This is where that spoiler alert really comes into effect. When it's realized that the beautiful apartment our lady protagonist is living in is the gateway to Hell and that our sweet little old guy neighbor is actually the human manifestation of SATAN, I was literally floored. Consider my mind blown. I just love him and his charming face so much that I can't even begin to imagine him squashing a spider let alone being the Prince of Darkness. I don't have much to add other than "Holy Shit, I love Burgess Meredith"...

Benjamin Christensen in Haxan:Witchcraft Through the Ages (1922)

Perhaps the earliest and still one of the most frightening portrayals of Satanism, witchcraft and the occult to be put on film. Haxan is like a Goya painting come to life. No film has ever matched it's beauty and horror and there will likely never be anything that tops it in that respect. Benjamin Christensen wrote, directed and starred as the beast like Devil in this fantastic opus of science and story telling. It was banned in America for it's shocking portrayal of torture and sexual perversion, which even in the pre-code 1920's, was unheard of in decent film going society. The public was not ready for such graphic depictions of debauchery. I could see how it may have influenced directors such as Kenneth Anger whose themes of magick and ritual would still be considered controversial some 30-50 years later. Now Haxan is more than a cult classic, it's a legend and I whole heartedly consider it one of the greatest efforts ever emblazoned on film. The copy readily available now includes a score done by Jean-Luc Ponty and narration by William S. Burroughs. Can you think of anything more incredible? I raise my glass to Benjamin Christensen. Cheers.

1.

Danny Elfman in Forbidden Zone (1982)

It's been quite few years since I've even breached this subject and I'm fairly certain it's never been mentioned in this blog. Forbidden Zone is pretty much the movie that started it all for me. Being a dumb teenager with nothing more than a few slashers in her collection I somehow ended up with a vhs copy of Forbidden Zone. It changed everything. It heightened my standards of "weird movies", it opened up new doors as far as my musical taste goes and most of all it introduced me to a Pre-Tim Burton Danny Elfman.The entire film is a strange vaudevillian Alice in Wonderland inspired tale of a girl finding herself in the 6th Dimension. She falls in love with it's midget King, a dashing Herve Villechaize. Of course his Queen, the forever iconic Susan-fucking-Tyrell has something to say about that. The whole movie is like a lurid Max Fleischer cartoon come to life. The high light for me? Danny Elfman scored the film along with The Mystic Knights of the Oingo Boingo. Before they were simply "Oingo Boingo" they were a traveling theater group, and Forbidden Zone was a way of capturing their monkeyshines on film. Danny Elfman plays the Satanic conductor of this mad circus. An image so vivid and profound that I painted it on my bedroom wall at my Dad's house...

This is obviously a choice made for very personal reasons. I basically orchestrated my entire taste in cinema around my fondness of Forbidden Zone. Danny Elfman's animated interpretation of the Devil made me want more of what I was seeing. Of course there's nothing quite like Forbidden Zone and there's no portrayal of Satan quite so jovial. That in itself if the primary reason he has earned the # 1 spot.

Danny Elfman encompassed what's unabashedly cool about the Devil. My point in writing this blog is not to say that evil is good and Godliness sucks. We need these characters in fiction to make movies interesting. Whether they're monstrous or funny, the caricature of Satan isn't something to be feared, it's something to be embraced. As the Ultimate Super Villain or the ultimate Irony. Satan's infamy is a powerful archetype in the realms of there cinematic stratosphere. He reminds us of our own humanity. Despite your religion or lack there of, the image of Satan is alarming. In any culture El Diablo is recognizable, and we can't help but be reminded of our own morality and death. I think that's why so many people are uncomfortable talking about Satan and everything that he represents. It's not really about facing him its about facing ourselves and our choices in life.

Well that pretty much sums it up! I hope you enjoyed my list. I know there's a lot not included here. Maybe this will be annual thing I post around Easter? In the meantime, what are some of your favorite on-screen Devils?

Fantastic Argoman (1967)

2011-04-19T01:17:00.001-07:00

I’ve been trying to make my rounds through the extensive list of 60’s super criminal essentials for a while but I somehow always managed to miss this one. It was unavailable for years so you can imagine my shock and delight upon discovering a copy at Best Buy of all places in an inexpensive set with three other Foreign Super Hero titles. Argoman is a psychic super criminal/anti-hero who often uses his powers to steal priceless relics. He also forces women to come to his secluded love island telekinetically for sex. He feeds them radioactive cigarettes just in case he needs to track them with his geiger counter ring. It’s also brought to our attention that he loses his powers for six hours after sex.

Argoman is actually Sir Reginald Hoover, a wealthy Bruce Wayne-alike playboy (fully equipped with a trusty butler). When he’s stealing treasure or fighting crime he cloaks himself in one of the most phenomenal Super Hero costumes I’ve ever seen! An obvious rip-off of Cyclops from the X-Men comic which had been in circulation for 4 years before Argoman was made. The private investigator who’s always on Argoman’s trail was as if David Niven had been cast to play Inspector Clouseau.

His nemesis a drop dead gorgeous megalomaniac named Jenabelle, the future Queen of Everything. She steals the world’s largest diamond with plans of using it as a powerful laser to create mass destruction. Only Argoman and his magical powers of the mind can put a stop the mad woman and her army of robots.

Fantastic Argoman is set apart from other European Super Criminals and Super Heroes from the 60’s. Unlike Kriminal or the Three Fantastic Supermen, he has magical powers! That adds a different dimension to his ass kicking ability. I also found Fantastic Argoman to be one of the most stylish of these films, alongside Danger: Diabolik . The big difference being, Fantastic Argoman hasn’t had the same kind of restoration treatment. It’s definitely a diamond in the rough. This release is so ghetto you can actually see tracking warbles which means it was taken from a VHS dub. I’m just happy to have found a copy! The score was by Piero Umiliani which creates a perfect retro atmosphere along with the futuristic set design.

This movie has a very comforting rhythm. It has the makings of a cult classic. It’s a shame more people aren’t familiar with it. Hopefully with its recent release, mediocre as the quality may be, it will get a little more attention. It’s a great little slice of camp and has the Atomic Caravan seal of approval.

The Doll Squad (1973)

2011-04-17T21:02:00.000-07:00

The second part of a Tura Satana double feature, the Doll Squad is in stark contrast next to Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!. Bearing only Miss Satana's appearance as a similarity. Although they both star groups of women who are supposed to be tough. I can promise you right now, where as Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill! will makes you admire the all powerful woman, the Doll Squad will leave you questioning the female comprehension capacity. More than likely it speaks of the difference between Russ Meyer and Ted V. Mikels directing abilities. Not to say I didn't like it, but Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill! is just a tough act to follow!

The story follows a secret agent by the name of Sabrina Kincaid. She's so dainty and well put together. She's also a vessel of ass-kicking, or so they would have us think. A super villain has blown up a rocket ship on it's way to outer space just to prove he can. It's up to Sabrina and her ragtag team of bad ass bitches to find the culprits and put a stop to any future disasters that may happen. Come to find out the bad guy is Sabrina's ex-boyfriend, Eamon O'Reilly, and he's started his own little community on an island to prepare for future world domination. How is he going to do it you ask? By spreading the bubonic plague of course. Yes, the now incredibly easy to cure Black Death.

Our lady of the hour, Tura Satana plays one of the girls in the Doll Squad. She has less than five lines. She should have played Sabrina Kincaid. Francine York was a little too mommy-like to be a believable hard ass. Half of the amusement value of this film is because of how unbelievably inept the Doll Squad is. Not to mention their devilishly handsome counterpart, Eamon O'Reilly, played by Michael Ansara who was in Day of the Animals, the Manitou and did the voice for Mr. Freeze on Batman the Animated Series. He's equally as incompetent, but does so with a wink, a smile and sweaty armpits.

I can't make up my mind about the Doll Squad. It had some truly hysterical moments, and the way Mikels' creates explosions (especially of people) is one of the greatest things I've ever seen. Still, it does have the curse of dragging a bit in the middle. If I owned a copy and could give it a quick once over to get my own stills I'd probably have a little more to say about it. This is my second experience with a Ted V. Mikels film. The first being The Corpse Grinders in my teens, right when my obsession for schlock cinema was peaking. I remember very little about it other than being disappointed. At that point I was mainly taking in Lloyd Kaufman and Herschell Gordon Lewis movies. I wasn't ready for something as guttural as The Corpse Grinders. As far as the Doll Squad goes, it was an over all pleasant ride. Glad I met Sabrina and the gang. I've yet to find my place in Ted V. Mikels trashy world of cinema. Then again, I haven't seen Astro Zombies yet. Until then I'll just have to ride the medium on this one.

Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill! (1965)

2011-04-17T16:47:00.004-07:00

It’s no secret that Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill! is one of the greatest movies of all time. That’s an indisputable fact. It’s been praised for decades for its quick witted dialogue, shoe string budget and of course it’s cast of well endowed beauties. Russ Meyer somehow became infamous for exploiting women. That couldn’t be less true. I think when people see big breasted women it’s automatically assumed that you’re in for some kind of male fantasy. It could also be falsely assumed that you’re dealing with a casting couch director when in reality his wife, whom he was devoted too, did much of the casting and even had personal friendships with the girls. Meyers’ films are always surprisingly refreshing in their portrayal of women. Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill! is the most outstanding example of this. Three amazononian towers of womanhood who drive fast cars, do what they want, take what they want and still embrace their femininity.

In case you’re one of the sad few who hasn’t been exposed to this masterpiece Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill! is about three go-go dancers who are driving through Mojave desert presumably moving on to the next town to start a new gig at a new club. They stop for a break and run into a young couple passing through. The leader of the pack, Varla, played by the late Tura Satana feels threatened by the young man’s hot rod and claims of speed so she challenges him to a race. She wins, by cheating, then kills him with her bare hands. They take his little bikini clad girlfriend hostage and move on. While stopping for gas, the attendant tells Varla about a local family of three men. The father being a crippled recluse with a hoard of money hidden somewhere on his ranch, and his two sons that take care of him. Of course, Varla, being the greedy conniving villain that she is cooks up a scheme to raid the farm and steal the money. A deserted junkyard is the setting for the events to lead up to the explosive climax. Billie, the blonde who's only interested in being fun and fancy free. Rosie whose unadulterated devotion and passion get her nothing but pain and the ruthless Varla who you can’t help but root for, CONSTANTLY.The old man is played by none other than Russ Meyer alumni Stuart Lancaster. He always brings a healthy serving of awesome to Meyers’ films, especially in this one with lines like “Women! They let 'em vote, smoke and drive – even put 'em in pants! And what happens? A Democrat for president!”. He and Varla work well as opposing forces. Both wicked, both killers - essentially the same only put in very different packages.

All of Russ Meyers’ films have and will continue to strike debate amongst its viewers. While many will never see past the enormous breasts there’s much more at work here. Despite his on-the-nose writing, clever editing and cartoonish sex and violence, there’s a basic foundation of womanly prowess. We’re usually seeing the world through the eyes of these amazing women, and in the rare occasion that a man is the star of one of his movies, they’re usually very emasculated and viewed as nothing more than a quickie to these stoic figures of female perfection. Like an R. Crumb comic where his feeble little self portraits are cowering at the waist side of a buxom dominatrix. Russ Meyer had a way at with women. He obviously admired them, and when we worked with them, he turned them into goddesses. Take Tura Satana for example. An unusual half Japanese beauty who was actually a go-go dancer when they met, he worked with her and helped her become the iconic image of savage womanhood that made her famous. And sadly, the rest of her body of work pales in comparison.

Meyers created giants. Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill! portrayed women in a way that the world hadn’t really seen before. Touching upon pill popping, female aggression, unbridled sex as POSITIVE subject and lesbianism, not to mention Varla’s subtle way of calling Tommy a fag for not wanting to race her. Sure, there had been a few juvenile delinquency and girl gang movies in the 40’s and 50’s, all much weaker examples of this lurid creation. It could be said that these elements had been shown before, but keep in mind, this was not a propaganda film! This was as straight forward as it gets.

I had the pleasure of recently catching a screening at the legendary New Beverly Cinema. It was glorious to see this classic in its natural 35mm state. The theater was packed with people, everyone loved it, and the audience was laughing together as one entity. It’s a very nice feeling. The best part? I just happened to be sitting next to Haji who did a Q&A after the show. Yes. I repeat, I sat next to Haji during a screening of Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!

Also speaking was Richard Brummer, who did the sound editing on the film and worked with Meyers throughout his career. I was also pleased to find out that he was Fredric Hobbs’ editor! As you may know, I’m a huge fan of Hobbs who’s (in)famous for Godmonster of Indian Flats and Alabama’s Ghost. During one (or both) of my reviews I made a connection between Russ Meyer and Fredric Hobbs' styles. I'm happy to learn that my connection wasn't made in vain! Richard Brummer also named the film “Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!”! A title so great it warrants THREE exclamation points! I think he’s definitely earned the Atomic Caravan award for “OMFG. SO AWESOME!”. Check out his IMDB profile. His credentials are all over the place.

It’s hard to talk about a film like Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!. What can you say that hasn’t already been said? I’m amongst a large group of people who see this film as a masterpiece. As time goes on it seems to find a broader and broader audience. It’s as socially relevant now as it was in 1965 and the jokes are every bit as fresh. This wasn’t my first time viewing it, but it felt very new and surreal. I’m happy to report that this screening actually gave me some kind of new hope for humanity. It’s nice to know that other people still care about these movies and that efforts are still being made to share and preserve them. It’s a very satisfying feeling.

The real star of this show was Tura Satana. It was an honorary double feature double feature to commemorate her recent passing. So stay tuned for my review of the second film, Ted V. Mikels’ The Doll Squad!

Haseena Atom Bomb (1990)

2011-04-12T18:57:00.002-07:00

How do I even begin to cope with the hot mess I’ve just witnessed? I’ve been on the hunt for a copy of Haseena Atom Bomb for years. It was one of my most desired hidden treasures. At one point I even bought a copy from a private collector that ended up being defective and was never compensated for that blunder on their part. That was a huge disappointment. But what’s an even bigger disappointment is now that I’ve finally obtained this infamous Lollywood film, is how difficult it was to sit through. A stifling 2 hours and 18 minutes of nonsensical crotch thrusting, repetitive action sequences and uncomfortable close ups.

I had a difficult time finding a plot in this movie; in traditional Pashto with no English Subtitles it was easy to get lost in the cartoonish happenings on screen. Having already read many reviews and descriptions I was able to gather that it follows a young woman who on her wedding night, is raped by a gang of criminals. She’s then forced to endure the torment of watching her husband to-be beaten and hung from the rafters using only her shoulders to keep him grasping onto life. When she eventually collapses he falls to his death sending her on a killing vendetta.

Before every killing she seduces the culprits in a lurid song and dance number. Of which the fat old rapists becomes aroused. When she’s completed her jiggly love dance she chases them with an axe (which they imply she chops them with, though it’s sadly never shown) then hangs them from the rafter in a fitting plight of a vengeance.

In the tradition of the rape revenge genre, there’s really just a lot of ugliness here. I had delusions of her being some kind of awesome Pak Magical Girl super heroine but this film is just drenched in undulating male hormones. One or two action sequences would have been ok, but it was completely redundant and over exaggerated. You could smell the machismo jumping off the screen right into your nose holes. Like a rotten plate of Middle Eastern food mixed with sweaty balls. I will admit that I liked most of the song and dance numbers. Sure, Haseena’s a little out of shape but that’s a part of her charm. The costumes are mostly muffin-top inducing spandex and Mardi Gras masks. What you can make out of the backdrops looks like it was set in an 80’s nail salon, an old episode of Eurovision or an Acid Mothers Temple concert. It’s clear that she has absolutely no training as a dancer. It’s mostly her flailing arms and legs and LOTS of dry humping...only it’s not so dry. The whole atmosphere looks sticky and morbidly unsexy. It’s like a psychedelic curry nightmare.

There’s a side story with a man on a horse who has a giant syringe which he drains victims of their blood. No idea what that’s all about. He has a female companion that I would have confused for Haseena if it wasn’t for her butch haircut. All I could gather was that the same crime syndicate who killed Haseena’s husband must have done something deserving for Syringe-horseback-forklift-guy and butch-haircut-lady to also seek revenge. They sort of team up in the end but that’s just a big mess of confusion that my Anglo Saxon brain just couldn’t compute.

There are a few reasons I can attribute to why my experience with Haseena Atom Bomb was less than savory. For starters, I had high expectations. The colorful cover and musical sequences I’d seen on YouTube gave me the impression that I was in for some epic sexy fairy tale. Obviously that was a complete fabrication of my false hopes. Secondly, the length is just ridiculous. This movie could have been half as long and maintained the same linear storyline. It’s like they didn’t want to waste a frame so they just poorly edited it all into a patchy repetitious frankenstein creation. Its length forced me to break my viewings into three pieces, which is generally against my principles as a viewer and even more so as a REviewer. Lastly it’s really just not a good movie, and was probably a poor choice as my introduction to Lollywood. I feel like I’ve just wallowed in filth. Slowly and meticulously, so it fills every crevice of my psyche. Not in the good way either. There are no winners when it comes to Haseena Atom Bomb.

Would I watch it again? Ehhh…in its entirety? Definitely not. There are some clip-worthy moments and that’s about it. That’s the most positive credit I can give Haseena Atom Bomb. I’m glad I finally saw it though. After years of searching for something, obtaining it is a triumph in itself. Now it’s behind me and that curiosity has been savagely, shamelessly, and profoundly quenched. Cheers!

Cinema Super Friends Podcast Episode 5

2011-04-03T00:13:00.003-07:00

As I mentioned in an earlier blog, I recently joined in on a cinema podcast hosted by my husband Arthur and our friend Sergio. This is the third I've participated in. We feature a movie that we all watch together then we dedicate the first half of the podcast discussing it. The second half is on various movie related subjects including things we we'd reccomend and events we're looking forward to. Soon there will be a website with all of the back episodes but for now I thought I should go ahead and post the most recent to download. The movie was Sergio's pick, the 1995 Wong Kar Wai film Fallen Angels. We go on to discuss Don't Play With Me Part 2, Battle of Los Angeles, It's Kind of a Funny Story, Human Highway and Sgt. Kabukiman N.Y.P.D. So without further adieu...

CSF EP #5

What Are Friends For? (1980)

2011-03-31T18:49:00.002-07:00

Where do I even begin with this one?

Last year we happened upon a goldmine of Martin Tahse’s After School Specials DVDs at a Goodwill. Each set was about $4 and has since become one of my most treasured thrift store finds, especially as far as DVDs are concerned. We made our way through them one by one, whenever we were bored and didn't feel like committing to an entire movie. One day I came home to see that my husband was watching one. I had missed most of it but what I did see had me completely captivated for the remainder of the episode. It was so amazing I had to start it over to see everything that I had missed. I was completely blown away by its creepiness. I thought about reviewing it for a long time but it never happened amidst the business of last year. Only recently when I re-discovered the sets in a box of my most treasured cult movies did I decide to finally dust it off and give it a second look.

“What Are Friends For?” is about a 12 year old girl named Amy whose parents are divorced and has recently moved away with her mother. In their new apartment she meets a bizarre little girl named “Michelle Mudd”. Both having divorced parents, Michelle feels a connection to Amy and recruits the naive girl to be her new best friend. Despite the warnings from the other girls in the building. You can tell right away that Michelle Mudd isn't the kind of girl you want to get mixed up with.

As we get to know the characters we discover that Amy is a sensible young lady who collects antique dolls. Michelle is shop lifting, incantation chanting, magick practicing lunatic. She convinces Amy to make an unbreakable pact of friendship while reciting a Tibetan mantra in a smoke filled room with red candles. Amy doesn't seem to mind, she finds her to be a bit peculiar but harmless. Truth be told I wouldn't have minded either, everyone knows pre-teen girls love witchcraft.

…That is until your psychotic wiccan friend starts painting her face up like some kind Clan of the Cave bear KISS fan and bathing your antique dolls in blood.

Michelle is WHACK!

Amy is not NEARLY as put-off by this as she should be. She’s hurt that Michelle ruined the doll she gave her but she gives no mention to the Aleister Crowley symbols on the wall, her ghastly appearance, or “omfg, is that animal or human blood?!”

Even after this, Amy gives her another chance when she comes to her crying that she’s just upset that her father is marrying his bimbo girlfriend “Call Me Diane” – as she’s coined her. Amy, being from divorced parents, understands and forgives her. They go about their normal routine. It’s not long before Michelle starts in on her craziness again. Shoplifting and slipping the items in Amy’s back pocket.

What a douche.

Naturally, there’s a moral to this story. Michelle has "a problem". Yes "A" as in singular. That’s how they tie together anyway. Because of her inability to cope with her parents divorce, she steals earrings and dolls. I thought it was kind of weak to brush off all the lunacy with that kind of ending, but hey, it’s an After School Special.

I’m semi-obsessed with Dana Hill who plays Michelle Mudd now. I looked her up to discover that she became a voice actor for Rugrats, Duckman, Goof Troop, Adventures of the Gummi Bears, Sonic the Hedgehog, Darkwing Duck, Jetsons: the Movie, Tom and Jerry: the Movie, and Rover Dangerfield. The list goes ON and ON! She practically narrated my childhood. You may also recognize her as Audrey Griswold from National Lampoon’s European Vacation. I always had a soft spot for a truly talented and borderline sinister child actor and Dana Hill is definitely up there.

This is easily the best After School Special I've ever seen. Although not nearly as perverse, at times it reminds me of Bad Ronald. Possibly just because it’s campy, tasteless, features a mentally unstable young person and was made for TV. There’s a look and feel of this era that’s just priceless. I mean, take a look at some of the supporting cast…

"Call Me Diane"

Mr. Mudd

...Screech Powers

You couldn't make something this entertaining now. After school specials are like these little time capsules. You open them, you revel in them and they’re inevitably shelved once again. “What are Friends For?” probably didn't serve it’s purpose helping kids cope with divorce or how to handle crazy friends, but it does serve as a twisted little teledrama that you won’t soon forget.

Multiple Maniacs (1970)

2011-03-30T00:23:00.002-07:00

The decision to review a John Waters movie was a little daunting. I’m reminded of something I saw in the special features for the Hitchcock film Topaz. There’s a segment hosted by Leonard Maltin where he goes on to to say that “it’s almost an insult to try and critique a Hitchcock film, even one that’s not considered his best, because there’s no such thing as a bad Hitchcock movie, and who are we to question it?”. That’s sort of paraphrased but I understood what he was saying completely. How can I, a mere fan, begin to dissect the work of a master? And that’s what John Waters is. Truly a master of his trade. He can hardly be compared to anyone else before his time, occasionally Ed Wood or Russ Meyer but in the end he really did make something new and in turn became the one you would later compare trash filmographers to. That being said, I decided to start with one of his earliest films that’s still in existence. Multiple Maniacs.

A traveling group of criminals disguise themselves as “the Cavalcade of Perversions”, a sideshow where on-lookers can see “the Puker Eater”, a woman licking a bicycle seat and “real queers kissing”. Lead by Lady Divine, the freak show is actually a front for these outlaws to rob and often kill the audience. You can be sure to see John Waters’ cast of usual suspects in Multiple Maniacs. We have David Lochary as the announcer and boyfriend of Divine, his mistress Bonnie played by the lovely Mary Vivian Pierce, Cookie Mueller as Divine’s daughter Cookie. Edith Massey as a barmaid and Mink Stole in two roles, one being the unforgettable “Mink”, who frequents Catholic churches looking for a good time. And of course there’s Divine who needs no introduction.

The movie is really about Divine’s decent into madness. After being tipped off by Edie, the barmaid, that Divine’s boyfriend David is philandering with another woman, she makes the decision to hunt him down and kill him. Meanwhile, David and Bonnie have decided to do the same to Divine so they can be free.

"234...2345"

Amidst this love triangle many unrelated perversions occur. Divine in all of her sexiness, gets rapes by a drug addict and a bearded cross dresser. In a moment of desolation she’s lead to a church by the image of the Infant of Prague so she can pray. Knowing full well that she herself has committed unthinkable crimes she excuses it by inserting “I always did it with a clear conscience” in her prayer. In this church she meets an unusual woman. Now, I've seen a lot of John Waters movies, and I thought I’d been shocked before but seeing Mink Stole perform a “rosary job” on Divine just may take the cake on that one. Just seeing Mink and Divine making out made me blush. Mink goes on to tell the story of the Crucifixion as she, um…pleasures Divine using a rosary as anal beads. Truly one of the most lurid sites I've ever to behold! You’ll need a shower after that scene.

After her wild trip into lesbian blasphemy she and Mink team up to kill David and Bonnie. They head over the Edie’s bar but David and Bonnie have already left for Divine’s with the intention to do the same. From that point things get really out of hand. Once they've all met up there’s shootings, stabbings, disembowelments, cannibalism, until there’s one (wo)man left standing. Divine of course! Alone and deranged she slips into pure psychosis. Experiencing fits of laughter and ferocity, foaming at the mouth, praising her own image in the mirror, she’s real gone! The high light of her madness, and perhaps the whole movie is when a giant lobster emerges from the floor of her living room and rapes her on the couch!

As always the cast is just phenomenal. I adore the Dreamlanders. David Lochary has always been a personal favorite of mine. He’s swarthy and obviously highly intelligent. He has a wonderful speaking voice and it’s always a treat seeing him in the early works of John Waters. It’s really tragic that he died from a PCP overdose in 1977. Something tells me he would have branched out as a cult actor as Mink Stole did, becoming more than just a household name. There’s also Mary Vivian Pearce, Waters’ best friend since childhood. She and Mink are the only two Dreamlanders to appear in every single Waters film! What I love about her is what a contrast she is to all of the unattractiveness you’re used to seeing in a Waters film. She’s soft and fair like a 1920’s actress, even when she plays a harlot or a creep, she plays it like a little girl pretending to do grown-up things.

And then of course there’s Divine. John Water’s muse, who he often referred to as “His Liz Taylor”.There’s something admirable about Divine’s confidence. I would dare to say that no one could ever do what she has done on screen with such class! She carries herself with an air of dignity, whether she’s raping herself or eating dog shit. She has great style and an take no bullshit attitude we could all learn from. She’s always been one of my heroes and I’m not afraid to shout it from the fucking rooftops.

Multiple Maniacs must be the most salacious film in Waters entire body of work. Granted, haven’t seen Mondo Trasho or the Diane Linkletter Story and will probably never see Roman Candles, Eat Your Make Up and Hag in a Black Leather Jacket in their entirety. It’s a great companion piece to Pink Flamingos, bearing many similarities. The black and white is a little fuzzy and rough around the edges but it’s still a remarkable achievement. It’s a necessary piece of the puzzle for any diligent fan of the Pope of Trash and a staple for lovers of cult cinema. It’s never been commercially released but there are many copies floating around the web if you know where to look. I give it my utmost recommendation!

Everything is Terrible 2: Tokyo Drift (2010)

2011-03-27T14:38:00.004-07:00

In lieu of losing that massive ‘get reacquainted’ blog I’d been working on for half the week, I’ll probably be keeping my next few blogs brief. I’ll also be typing them out in Microsoft Word like I should have been the whole time.

I wanted to mention a heart warming video compilation that has sky rocketed to favorite-among-favorites. Everything is Terrible 2: Tokyo Drift.

I bought the original, Everything is Terrible: the Movie , on my first visit to Amoeba after the move. I've always loved Video Mixtape comps such as is this, and there are so many if you know where to look! One of the most popular (and BEST) is 5 Minutes to Live’s Lost and Found Video Night. They've been doing it for a long time and I are up to volume 10. I've seen about half, some are better than others but over all it’s a noble feet and will be sure to keep your friends entertained at any gathering. There’s also TV Carnage, which happens to be my least favorite. Despite their misleading magical cover art, the tone is much more serious. Parts of it could fall under reality death video, and that’s not what I’m into at all. I want pop culture, flashiness and camp. Bad movies, bad commercials bad haircuts. I want what Tim and Eric satirize.There are still quite a few I haven’t seen yet. The video mixtape genre is timeless and limitless. Check out ‘Not Coming to a Theater Near You’s blog on the subject to read up on a few others.

Then there’s Everything is Terrible. The first one is a wonderfully entertaining video mixtape. They make their own little creative embellishments in the editing room which I think really adds to the spirit of the parody. I laughed all the way through and immediately wanted to show it to my friends: Mission Accomplished! I of course had to go back for the second one, I had no idea that it could possibly be better. BUT IT WAS! I fell in love with 2 Terrible. Not only does follow a narrative (Jesus vs. the Anti-Christ AKA Duane vs. Baby Hitler) but it has a philosophy. Their slogan “If Everything is Terrible then nothing is” says it all. It’s a way of life I adapted a long time ago, before Everything is Terrible entered my life. Hunting for oddities has become a normal part of my shopping routine. Unlabeled video tapes at thrift stores are potential gold mines. Everything is Terrible knows this and has obviously put a lot of effort into making it an art.

I also can’t help but be reminded of one of my favorite dvds of all time. Sort of a video mixtape, sort of it’s own thing. Paper Rad’s Trash Talking. Half of the dvd is their own abrasive neon midi saturated video toaster edited animation, but the other half is a sensory overload of pop cultural mishaps. 80’s commercials, Moonbeam movie clips, strange fantasies about Garfield. All woven together in fluorescent package, tied with a radioactive bow that you’re almost afraid to touch because it could blow your face off and burn your shadow.

That was MY take on it anyway. I've met a lot of people who dislike it for the music or animation style, but even to those I might suggest Everything is Terrible 2. It’s more straight forward and features the same Video Mixtape elements and only slight embellishments on the curiosities themselves.

They also add something called ”Three Minute Movies”. Where they sum up a bad movie into three minutes of awesomeness. This lead me to one of the greatest cinematic discoveries of the year to date.

Hawk Jones.
Hawk Jones
Hawk Jones.

The best movie ever starring a cast entirely of children. He’s a tough 8 year old cop and he doesn't want any broads gettin’ in his way. This movie is actually pretty funny,and even somewhat intentionally which is rare for this kind of pursuit. Just one of the many treasure to behold on Everything is Terrible 2: Tokyo Drift.

So I guess that’s it for now. What’s your favorite Video Mixtape? Have you ever made one of your own? Or found something absurd that should make it to one of these tapes? Let me know!

Until next time, give it up for our Lord and Savior...DUANE...

well fuck me running...

2011-03-26T21:25:00.000-07:00

Hi. I just lost a really REALLY fucking long five movie review/reacquaintance blog. Now I'm borderline suicidal and resisting the urge to throw my laptop out the window.

So lets summarize if you please.

1. Ice Cream Man (1995) is a piece of shit, but Clint Howard is still awesome.

2. Uninvited (1988) is mutant killer cat movie with Clu Gulager, and I like it.

3. Leonard Part 6 (1987) (not to be confused with Pluto Nash) is one of the greatest things that's ever happened to me.
4. Pretty Poison (1968) is predictable but pleasant neo-noir with Anthony Perkins lookin' pretty foxy.

5. BOOM! (1968) starring the late Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton is a misunderstood art film that never found it's audience.

I'm apart of a film related podcast now. More on that later...

Now I have to go jump off a bridge. Just kidding...see you in six months...kidding again. I'm really going to start updating this thing more.

But for tonight, I'm fucking done.

Big Commotion (1968)

2010-10-27T21:52:00.001-07:00

I'm starting to get back into the swing of things. I got a job, I feel like the madness of our life changing move is finally settling down. I'm finding myself back in a routine which is giving me the right state of mind for movie viewing. I mentioned in my last review that I came across a wonderful video store in South Pasadena called Videotheque. It's an all meat no filler kind of place. It ranges from an assortment of some of the greatest movies ever made to some of the weirdest movies ever made and in turn some of the most rare movies ever made. They carry a lot of films put out by 5 Minutes To Live (now known as Cinestrike). I've spent the last five years or so slowly building up a nice little 5mtl hoard but there's still so much more to be discovered and at $15 a pop (plus $6 for shipping) it can be a pricey hobby. And let's face it, collecting movies such as those sold on 5mtl and in my own online shop (I admittedly sell movies I dislike) can be hit or miss. The option to rent is a lifesaver! On that note, I was particularly enthralled to see that they carried what was going to be my next purchase from "Cinestrike" (still can't get used to calling them that). The 1968 Japanese film Big Commotion (Nippon oyafukô jidai)...

The major selling point on this one is that it stars my FAVORITE Japanese group, the Spiders, whose cd I bought on a whim a few years ago based on the incredible cover and have since played it out. They've been compared to a lot of bands, the Beatles, the Electric Prunes, the Ventures and the Monkees (the latter I think is most accurate). Really though, they're a superb rock n' roll group who has a distinct flavor of their own. It wasn't uncommon for them to open for the Beach Boys in Japan. I dare say their sound is in that vein as well, during the Pet Sound years. I could really gush over this group. They're wonderful and if you're unfamiliar I give them my utmost recommendation.

For some reason I thought this one had subtitles but unfortunately it didn't and as far as I know there isn't a copy floating around that does. I was a bit disappointed at first because there does seem to be a plot and I was having a hard time following it, but after a while you get the gist of what's going and I was able to engage myself in the comedic antics. The underlying storyline I seemed to notice revolved around the the lead singer, Masaaki Sakai who was lovesick over a girl and often slipped into fantasy sequences in which he makes a ridiculous cross-eyed face prior to. I found his role in the movie to be completely adorable! His animated features and movement made this movie a lot more watchable. I later realized that he's the main character on the show Monkey Magic! Which I believe was mostly directed by Jun Fukuda.

Aside from him, the rest of the band (there are seven total) seemed be the foils for his shenanigans. I read that this was Japan's answer to the Beatle's Help! but it struck me a lot more like an extended episode of the Monkees television show with Masaaki as the Peter Tork character. Aside from all of that, I still was a bit lost with the story but the other selling point were the awesome live performances and music videos. I'm surprised none of that footage has made it to youtube (unfortunately I don't know how to do any of that or I'd upload them myself). In fact, I'm disapointed that there aren't any decent clips of the Spiders at all other than a 1981 reunion where they cover Day Tripper, which I wouldn't say is one of their finest moments. I was thrilled to hear (and see) all of my favorite songs including Kaze Ga Naiteriru, which has made countless mixes.

All in all, worth a view for serious fans of the Spiders or the Japanese GS movement of the 60's. I was hoping for a bit more psychedelia to get me through the subtitle-less-ness but considering this movie is over two hours I would say it held my attention pretty well. At very least check out their music. You can get the cd used on Amazon for around $10. WELL WORTH IT.

Gone with the Pope (1976/2010)

2010-10-21T14:57:00.002-07:00

I'm back again! This time hopefully for good. Just as suspected, everything fell into place right befre the move. We had a delightful cross country trip. Including a tourist-y afternoon spent in Tombstone. It was still fun for me because before that day I'd never even seen the desert in person. We arrived two weeks ago and things have been crazy-hectic ever since. Between family events, filling out applications, going to interviews and re-familiarizing ourself with the area it seems like we've barely had a moment's rest. Unfortunately almost all of my movies are packed up in the storage shed so our viewing options are very limited. We've bought a few movies but even still haven't had much time or space to watch them. Our living area is really small and cluttered right now so even when we have had the time it hasn't been very comfortable and cohesive for a proper viewing experience. Alas, one of the best things about living in LA are the amazing theaters. My favorite is of course, the New Beverly. The only note worthy movie experience I've had (other than discovering an incredibly hip rental place called Videotheque in South Pasadena which I'll be touching upon more in the future) was finally seeing the much anticipated Gone with the Pope.

Director and star Duke Mitchell was best known for his Dean Martin impersonations, particularly in his role in Bela Lugosi meets the Brooklyn Gorilla. He went on to make the cult classic Massacre Mafia Style. Gone with the Pope was intended to be the sequel, which I wasn't aware of until after I saw it. Although it didn't prevent me from thoroughly enjoying and following along fairly easy anyway. This was considered Mitchell's lost masterpiece. Scraping pennies and filming it on weekends when he could get the money, cast and crew together he filmed most of it in pieces over the course of five years. Over time the project was abandoned. In 1981 Mitchell died leaving Gone with the Pope unfinished to collect dust in his son's garage. In 2009 Grindhouse releasing were offered the opportunity to assemble the piece to make it a coherent film. Bob Murawski ( who was there to introduce the movie the night I saw it) made it his pet project in between his bigger jobs ( Drag Me To Hell, Spiderman 1,2 & 3 and the Hurt Locker, ).The end result is a hilariously offensive cult film on par with the work of the Kuchar Brothers.

The story revolves around Paul (Duke Mitchell) a hitman who's recently been released from prison. He's hired for a new job and recruits a goofy lopsided hispanic with a unsettling grin to assist him. After collecting payment we see a montage of him and his girlfriend playing and having fun. So absurdly over the top, it had the entire audience in hysterics.

He gets his group of buddies together and he cooks up a scheme to sail from California to Rome, Italy so they can kidnap the Pope for a ransom of one dollar from every Catholic in the world. A great plot if you ask me and even in it's flaws it's the small details that make this movie so perfect. The almost homo-erotic "buddy" scenes, Paul throwing his friend's necklace in the ocean for no reason at all and maybe best of all, the off-putting John Water's-esque "sex"(?) scene with a random obese woman he finds on the street. People who take movies too seriously might not see the genius of Gone with the Pope but those with a love for all things campy and high tolerance for sexist, racist and generally offensive dialogue will be dying of laughter at this resurfaced gem.

As of now it's still touring select cities. It will no doubt be getting a DVD release in the near future so if you miss out on the screenings keep your eyes peeled, here's the link to the official website.

So am I back for good? For the most part. Like I said, my movies are still packed and until all of the kinks are ironed out of the arrival (for instance, being on shared computer) my reviews may still be a bit sparse. However I am certainly in the right place to continue my hunt for the weirdest and wildest movies around so don't be discouraged if my blog updates are still somewhat sparse. I'm making a comeback and it will be more awesome than ever so stay tuned!

Satanik (1968)

2010-09-13T21:26:00.000-07:00

Satanik is one of the many Euro-crime movies to come out in the 60's. A category I generally enjoy because even when they're a bit slow or mediocre they have a stylish flair that belongs to this particular sub-genre. Satanik is based on the comic by Max Bunker who's most famous for doing Kriminal and Alan Ford. Kriminal was also made into a movie in 1968 directed by Umberto Lenzi. I always assumed it was a rip-off of Danger: Diabolik, and it probably is, but it certainly has a life of it's own. The Satanik comic is similar in flavor. The only difference, this super-kriminal is female.

A hideously deformed lady scientist is working on cell regeneration with an elderly scientist. He tells her the formula isn't ready. They've been experimenting on animals and the subjects have become extremely hostile after being given the treatment. Unable to cope with her appearance any longer she kills her fellow colleague and takes the solution. She wretches, gags and passes out, when she awakens she's been transformed into a drop dead gorgeous sex pot. After this point the movie kind of goes no where. She philanders around using her looks to steal money or at least have men throw money at her. Nothing really out of the ordinary about that. The only real difference from her and any run in the mill gold digger is that she requires medicine that keeps her from looking like the crusty old hag that she really is. Obviously with Jekyll/Hyde overtones. The idea is that when she's ugly she's "normal" and when she's beautiful she's wicked, but that doesn't make any sense. She did kill the other Scientist in order to get the solution in the first place. Magda Konopka is great in the leading role. She looks pretty disgusting in her old bag make-up and transforms into a sultry swan-like bombshell. The plot is pretty watered down. I can still dig it because I have no problem just enjoying retro clothes and atmosphere (although the quality of my copy left something to be desired) but I can see how it often being bulked with Diabolik, Killing, Kilink (the unauthorized Turkish Killing) , Kriminal and other masked thieves, could leave something to be desired. The poster art is a bit misleading. She only wears the famous costume in one scene and it's for a striptease. No sneaking around stealing diamonds here.

Is Satanik a bad movie? Not by my standards. It's not a shining example of Euro-Crime or even Super-Kriminal, but I still wouldn't write it off. It has an offbeat charm that only the sole lady-kriminal could offer and is certainly worth a look for devotees of retro Italian cinema.

Book Review: Showgirls, Teen Wolves, and Astro Zombies

2010-09-13T12:35:00.002-07:00

A Film Critic's Year-Long Quest To Find The Worst Movie Ever Made, by Michael Adams

Ahh, my first book review, and what a perfectly appropriate choice for this blog. My husband bought this on a whim when I dropped him off at the bookstore while I had to go run some boring wedding errands I didn't want to subject him to. When I picked him up he said this looked like something we'd both like and started reading it out loud to me. He was right. We both got so into it we've been reading it out loud to each other on and off in our spare time during all of this marriage bedlam. Writer Michael Adams uses a toy bingo machine to decide his bad movie fate for an entire year. This immediately reminded me of our process of elimination. "the hat game". Whenever Arthur and I can't decide what movie to watch we write down the contenders and pull them out of a hat. They may not all be intentionally bad, but chances are most of them are video age dreck. Searching for the worst movie ever made is a noble feat and for me personally it sounds like a lot of fun. It takes a lot of dedication to stick it out. As much as I revel in everything awful there are territories I don't tread. This book makes me feel like I could even brave Da Hip Hop Witch and Cool as Ice. I won't lie, this awesome book will probably effect my reviews for a while.

I enjoyed reading his thoughts on the movies I had seen, but there were still quite a few that were foreign to me and his musings, no matter what the verdict was, were funny and honest. Mixed with anecdotes about trying to accomplish this goal while maintaining a balance of work and family. It's an engaging and relatable book to any cinephile with questionable taste. Interestingly, while writing the book he was the co-host of "The Movie Show" where he's forced to share his opinion on new releases. I imagine watching Bratz: the Movie (or something equally hideous) at work and coming home to suffer through a Uli Lommel marathon could feel like self induced torment.

The interviews with celebrities were educational. My favorite quote is from Mike Nelson of Mystery Science Theatre 3000 fame. "A lot of people say, 'What's the worst movie ever made?' The worst movie ever made, you wouldn't want to watch: it's boring.", when describing the difference between truly bad boring movies and the hilarity that is, his favorite (and one of mine), Roadhouse. Which is really where the bad movie road splits down the middle. Nobody likes boring movies, but any cult fanatic worth their salt wants to see how bad something can be and still be entertaining. It seems like Michael Adams had his fair share of both and for this brave attempt I salute him. Of course there really isn't a definite answer, I've seen many horrible movies that I hate equally and many wonderful movies that some consider unwatchable garbage. It's the thrill of the hunt and a love/hate relationship with these disasterpieces that makes it all worth it. So if you want some great recommendations to lovingly annihilate with a group of friends or just want to know what to avoid, Showgirls, Teen Wolves and Astro Zombies is a perfect place to start.

click here to read Movies So Bad They're Unmissable by Michael Adams

Back to Normal...sort of?

2010-09-08T10:51:00.001-07:00

Ok, well now that all that is over. I'm officially an old married woman and happy to have it all behind me. Everything was lovely, it was wonderful seeing everyone now I couldn't be happier for things to go back to normal. Kind of. As I mentioned, now we have to prepare for our move to Los Angeles just a few weeks away. I've always been terrible at planning moves and trips so as you can imagine about 90 % of the house in unpacked. I'm trying not to worry too much. Everything will fall into place just in the nick of time. Although getting right to work packing and organizing would be wise I've spent most of these past few days catching up on sleep and lounging around grazing on wedding leftovers. Not very glamorous but much more comfortable and appealing than the New Orleans Honeymoon we had planned after the hellaciously stressful and exhausting week leading up to the big day. It didn't help that amidst all of this chaos I had to entertain guests. Needless to say my movie watching has most definitely suffered. But I've managed to pepper a few in here and there so this post will serve as both an update and overview on what's been going on.

Lifetime is an untapped resource of genre movies.

For some reason various Lifetime movies had been getting brought up in conversations a few weeks back. I was telling my then fiance about two I remembered seeing when I was a kid that I recalled being pretty fun. One I couldn't remember the title of, but thanks to my friend Mark over at Soiled Sinema, he somehow unearthed the forgettable title "Someone is Watching" out of thin air based on my vague description. I remembered that a creepy man had built an underground tunnel from his basement to the closet of the little boy next door. The boy was talking to him at night, when he'd tell his mother about his "friend" she assumed he was imaginary. I seem to remember it having a weak ending, but the synopsis alone was enough to freak out my tween self. Thanks to Mark I now know that when I decide to make the leap I can get this from Amazon for a mere .74 cents. The other movie was much more memorable and starred one of my favorite people to dislike, Tori Spelling in Co-ed Call Girl. I remembered this movie being so tacky and lame that even in my youth I could see it's camp value. A nerdy pre-med school girl gets manipulated into a call girl service. She goes from overalls and giant flannel shirts to whore-ish skank garb in about 5 seconds. I had promised myself that I wouldn't accept any more trades on Ioffer until after I moved but when someone made me an offer for My Mom's a Werewolf and I noticed she had nothing but Lifetime movies I couldn't help but check. Sure enough, the made for tv embarrassment was there and I accepted the trade. Not realizing at the time that Susan Blakely plays the Mom in both movies, which adds to the irony/strange timing of this whole transaction.

While I was waiting for it to arrive this wasn't my only experience with Lifetime original movies. I had to do some work at my Mom's house to prepare for the reception. There was a lot of painting to do, Arthur and I had forgotten to bring music and I really didn't feel like listening to the Seal cd my Mom has been playing on repeat for weeks now. So I opted for the TV. We ended up watching the 1958 version of the Fly for the first time. Wow, what an epic classic! We ultimately put down our paint brushes and all got involved in the movie. Even my Mom who's never really been into horror, especially classic horror. Unexpectedly it actually creeped me out a little bit. Much like the Tingler, I expected to admire it's craftsmanship but didn't expect the terror it ultimately delivers. That my friends, is the calling card of a timeless classic. Shame on me for waiting this long to see it.

Unfortunately the TV didn't have much else to offer on this particular day. After the Fly I channel surfed until I saw a ridiculous title that I couldn't help but check out. The Pregnancy Pact. Oh dear. It didn't take me long to realize that this atrocity was featured on none other than the channel of the week, Lifetime. It starred Thora Birch as a reporter trying to figure out why there is an epidemic of teen pregnancies in a particular town. It was truly terrible. Sappy crappy annoying bullshit. The teens in this movie are unlike any I've ever encountered which makes it hard to believe this was actually based on a true story. What the fuck is wrong this these retards? They make a conscious effort to get knocked up at the same time. This is pretty good example of what makes Lifetime such tasteless garbage. They attempt to make sociologically relevant movies but all they ever accomplish is churning out exploitive trash. Sure, they can't all be winners, and I probably could have lived without seeing this one. But I've been getting a lot of signs from the shitty-womens-television-gods saying that its high time I tap into this particularly asinine part of made-for-TV history, track down the good, the bad and the worthless and review some of this schlock! Think about it. What are the primary subject matters of Lifetime movies. Romance...? No, not really. Try rape, violence, drugs, and fucktard teenagers doing fucktard things.

And on that note, a few days later I received Co-ed Call Girl in the mail. I tried hiding my excitement from Arthur but he knew that I wanted nothing more than to lock myself in the bedroom with my shitty Tori Spelling movie. It's like it's 1996 all over again! I won't lie though, it wasn't quite what I remembered. The images of her getting screwed in a pool were obviously my wanting this movie to be Showgirls. Alas, it was still awkward and trashy. I love looking at all of her mid-90's hooker attire. Spelling is such an odd looking bird. Mother nature was not kind to her, but thankfully her rich daddy was. Co-ed Call Girl was much more scandalous when I first saw it at age 11, now it's a bit fluffy but still a great example of tacky awkwardness. It has a true essence of cheese. Maybe some day an auteur filmmaker can buy the rights to some of these terrible Lifetime movies that show some kind of promise, edit in sex scenes with body doubles and create a hybrid of cult movies!

For some reason apart of me worried that Co-ed Call Girl would be the last movie I saw as a "bachelorette". I view movies very sentimentally and I associate them with times in my life. But thankfully the spirit of Al Adamson smiled down at me (or up at me, whatever) and a truly remarkable thing happened. The night before our wedding we weren't partying with the guys or gals. Completely exhausted from cleaning, painting, shopping, going to the tailor, and running various wedding related errands we landed a few hours before bedtime to watch a cult classic. Satan's Sadists.

Ok, so maybe "remarkable" isn't the word, but considering how long it had been since I'd seen a movie on my wavelength it was nice to be able to relax and watch something wild and fun. In a sense it was as if we got to have our own little bachelor party with the likes of Russ Tamblyn as "Anchor" and his band of outlaw rejects. I can see why it's considered one of the best biker-sploitation movies ever (and respectively one of the worst). Tamblyn's mother said that it killed his career, but I disagree. I think it may be one of the strongest roles in his entire career, and I was already a big fan of his. His ruthless insanity couldn't have been pulled off by just anyone. It is in my opinion Tamblyn's most iconic role. I was also impressed with Regina Carrol (Adamson's real life wife) as "Gina" the used up biker bitch who was treated like nothing more than the community cum dumpster. A depressing character, but it's a depraved movie and I found myself feeling for her and saddened by her reaction to Anchor's rejection. Also couldn't help but wonder if Cassandra (Elvira) Peterson's cameo in Pee Wee's Big Adventure as the biker babe is a nod the that character. Especially since Cassandra's line is almost verbatim to one of Regina Carrol's. Something like "I say you let me have him first!" when the tough guy bikers are trying to decide how to kill a cop (or...Pee Wee Herman).

Yes, I was more than pleased for thoughts of bikes and bimbos to be hanging out in the back of my mind while gussying up for my big day. So what was our first movie as a married couple? Feeling stir crazy the day after the wedding, we'd caught a second wind and didn't feel like doing much of anything so we caught the last showing of Machete.

Verdict: pretty good. Though to be honest after such an intense waiting period I expected a little more. Obviously the whole Grindhouse sensation signified a tongue in cheek throw back. The trailer for Machete was especially appealing because it represented a type of over the top action movie that has all but snuffed out completely. What I wanted from Machete was mindless ass kicking by the hand of Danny Trejo. A tiny plot to string together scenes of senseless violence but not putting much importance on the story. What we actually got was a plot heavy rush job. Great start, decent finish, but that whole middle period lagged big time, and who's to blame? Jessica Alba. Well, really whoever wrote Jessica Alba's part. That police sub-plot really made the movie feel more sluggish than it should have. A sex object is fine and there was lots of sex, and it was good! But that romance jargon is the fastest way to kill my action movie boner. I was perfectly content with Michelle Rodriguez and her hot iconic glory, and I'd be lying if I said Lindsay Lohan as the drug addicted skank webcam porn avenging nun wasn't totally awesome and worthy of her being absolved of all of her suckery. Lest we forget Jeff Fahey. Oh how I love Jeff Fahey. Is it just me or is he getting sexier with age? But Danny Trejo is the real star here and truth be told there just wasn't enough of him. He's been acting for 30 years and has had to play second banana and ugly henchmen goons for his entire career, finally the man gets a leading role and it's just not enough. I get it, he gets the hot girl, it's apart of the formula. But the movie was really about HIM, and HE is what the people want to see. Still fun and violent and all that good stuff. Worth a look.

Other than that we've only really watched one other movie. Post-Wedding/Machete, we're groggy and recovering from a hangover that would last for days we decided to pick a random video from our endless stack of unwatched crap. We ended up picking Escapes, an atrocious anthology movie featuring old man Vincent Price. The cover boasts as him being the star but the slow moving shot on video results make me think the entire budget must have gone to the 5 minutes of screen time Price performed. The five stories they try to cram into 72 minutes range from 3 minutes to 15 all of which seems too long. Dragging out scenes for 5 and 10 minutes that could have been summed up in 20 seconds. I found myself getting really tired watching this. Maybe I should blame the hangover for that, but if there's anything I have a low tolerance for it's a boring movie. For that reason I understand why Escapes has never made it to DVD. It tries to be a Twlight Zone meets Amazing Stories, but the stories just aren't good. The dialogue is repetitive, the costumes and effects are non-existent and it's full of continuity errors. No thanky.

So that pretty much brings us up to date. Even with the move a few weeks away I'm sure I'll be able to make more time for movie watching/reviewing that the past few weeks. I'm still anxious to see Spermula and it looks like I have a copy of Haseena Atom Bomb arriving any day now.

Until then! <3

Life & Stuff

2010-08-22T12:32:00.001-07:00

These next few weeks are going to be so hectic that I thought I should go ahead and apologize in advance for my absence. On a personal note, I'm getting married in 11 days! Big stuff, I know. I avoided it (preparation, not getting married) for the longest time but I'm afraid with just a week and a half to go it's finally time for me to get into bride mode. Yuck! I suck at weddings. What's even more stressful is that we're moving to LA three weeks after. As of the past few days I've been a big ball of mess. I so just want to relax, pack a box or two a day and watch movies which in turn I would review, but it's looking like I'm not going to have much time for that in the upcoming month. Though I promise to try! I just got my last order I'll be receiving in this household. Including Spermula, Monster Shark, Ator the Fighting Eagle and a bunch of other stuff. I don't even have shoes to go with my dress yet....but I have lots of schlocky out of print movies! Geez. As of right now I'm hustling to get my house in order for company and getting my Mom's house in order for the reception/dinner party. All I've made time to watch since the Noble War is Ren & Stimpy and Black Books (the second seasons sucks, btw). If I can find time to watch some of my new weirdies I promise to crank out a quick review. But until then please excuse my (re)tardiness. I'll be busy doing wife things. Like this...

ACK! yeah right.

If you're at all interested I might be posting little updates on my other blog Unicorn Wizard. Also, my music archivist fiance and I will be compiling a great cd for our guests to take with them (sort of in place of a program). I'm going to post it as a download on Unicorn Wizard, I'll be sure to link you to that as well ;-)

The Noble War (1984)

2010-08-18T18:35:00.002-07:00

I realized that it had been almost a month since I reviewed my last Sompote Sands disaster, Hanuman vs. 7 Ultramans. This is just unacceptable. I became so enamoured with Sands as a director, producer and a douche bag that I found his work to be truly daunting. Alongside alluring, disgusting, hypnotizing, ugly and somehow whimsical. The first experience left me with a lot to think about. As a reviewer and the direction this obsession could take me. It was a little terrifying to jump into the next one. I decided to sit with it for a while and fully absorb Hanuman vs. 7 Ultramans.

The past week I've been feeling the itch for more, but where to start? I decided to take a step back and try something a little more "tame". Now that I've seen The Noble War I realized that that's just not a word to use when describing this guy's work. Because my reception of this movie was so bewildering I'm going to describe what it was like for me going into this completely blind with nothing but language and cultural barriers.

As I'm sure you've guessed, like pretty much all of Sompote Sands movies, there are no subtitles. I can usually deal with this pretty well. It's easy to follow a simple plot by observing the actions and change of setting. The Noble War was a little more difficult. For one, the acting is in traditional theatre style. They're almost dancing out their actions. Lyrical body language while Thai overdubbing speaks for the characters whose lips aren't even moving. This distracted me from following the story as well as I might have.

From what I could tell it revolved around all of the Hindu deities. Doing all kinds of senseless things I couldn't begin to fathom. It started out simple enough. Hanging out in a glorious palace fit for a ...God! Meanwhile lower/God/Monkey-things played flute and entertained the higher God(s?) and pretty ladies would feed them grapes (ok I made up the grape part). Much how you'd suspect an Eastern God would hang out. In come new similar looking Gods and they chatter for a while. Then they go outside and look in a magic mirror to see a war going on.

Here's where I got kind of lost because these characters, although awesome and sometimes different colors, all looked alike to me. The language barrier prevented me from catching their names so pretty much from there on out I had no fucking clue what was happening. So let me try and break it down.

Nobody likes the Green guy.
the Red guy likes to rip shit out of the ground.
In Thailand tree bark looks like peacock feathers.
Sompote Sands loves that fucking crocodile.
"What's that rotting rotisserie chicken doing floating in that pond?"
Hindu deities puke milk.

That pretty much sums up my viewing experience. I paid CLOSE attention to the dizzying psychedelic scenery to make sure I didn't miss anything that might perhaps transcend cultures.Only the three V's. Violence, vileness and vomiting. Make that four V's: Visuals. The Noble War is visually stunning. Nothing short of an epic, really. The rich pigments made my entire living room illuminate with glowing rainbow hues. Definitely a candidate for movies that should be experienced under the influence of LSD. At times it reminded me of the Thief of Bagdad (1940) with it's elaborate technicolor atmosphere. Even at times of utmost confusion the electric Bava-esque surroundings will keep you glued to the screen.

After the movie I felt really good, enriched somehow. I'm also left with a sense of fulfillment I've only gotten seeing a Sompote Sands movie. I can see a trend forming. Of course I got online to do my usual post-movie-research only to find that there's little to no information on it. Only the review that lead me to it on Die, Danger, Die, Die Kill!'s blog. Perhaps I'm just completely dense and oblivious to the Hindu religion or maybe I'm just less educated on the subject. To refrain from anymore paraphrasing and because I'm forever grateful to I do recommend reading Die, Danger, Die, Die, Kill's review as it appears to be much more self aware than I am. I was far from making any connections with the Ramayana, the epic Hindu legend. The Noble War was evidentally based on the Thai adaptation, the Ramakien. Being a newbie to Thai culture I wasn't even aware that they had their own adaptation (that's what I get for dropping out of World Religion). Being familiar with the Ramayana though, I was able to make connections that didn't even occur to me as I was watching. I think I might have caught on if Sita (Sida, pretty ~~grape feeding~~ lady by Green man's/Rama's side) was in it more, since she's basically the reason the war began!

So for those who are unfamiliar with this story, I suppose the plot can be summarized as easily as the Ramakien or the Ramayana. A war erupts between Rama and Thosaganth for the kidnapping of Rama's wife Sita/Sida. Only Rama gets Hanuman and his army of Monkeys to do his bidding. That's it! All that scrambling around was just the result of Sompote Sands unrelenting shenanigans.

Compared to what I've seen and what I know of Sompote Sands I think it's safe to say this is traditionally one of his "better" movies. Aside from a few nasty out-of-place sequences peppered in The Noble War really does have a touch of class. The date throws me off a bit though. Based on what I've read on thereformentioned blog and Sci-Fi Japan. Hanuman vs. 7 Ultramans and the Noble War share a scene. Hanuman is in outer space talking to a Deity in a fiery orb (the sun I imagine). Yes, he is the kind of director that reuses scenes from his own movies. Although there's really no solid information about any of these movies, I've been under the assumption that Hanuman vs. 7 Ultramans was made in 1974 since that's what all websites and bloggers I've encountered cite. But that movie obviously a mish-mesh of a scenes from other movies (ie: the 6 Ultra Bothers vs. the Monster Army). I highly doubt he used a scene from Hanuman vs. 7 Ultramans for The Noble War. It MUST have been the other way around. You know what I think? I think we all have the Hanuman date wrong. It's always classified as being from 1974 but I think that's because of the common misconception that Hanuman vs. 7 Ultramans and the Six Ultra Brother vs. the Monster Army are the same movie, when in fact they aren't. Sompote Sands used scenes (a lot of them) from Monster Army but they are separate entities completely. If you've seen it, think about Hanuman vs 7 Ultramans. Think about how it looks. Refer to the picture in my review if you want. It really looks 80's! Mid/late 80's in fact. I think I'm onto something here. I'd be interested to hear everyone's thoughts.

I can easily say I enjoyed this as much as my first Sompote Sands movie. Where Hanuman Vs 7 Ultramans lacked, the Noble War provided. I don't mind being baffled by a candy colored absurdity. When it comes to Sands the payoff is pretty good. Not for everyone but worth while for explorers of true outsider cinema. No pretense here, folks. Just raw unadulterated curiosities.

TV Tuesday: Spider-Man (Toei)

2010-08-17T22:34:00.002-07:00

Chances are you've seen the intro to this kooky fun fest (if not scroll down and watch it NOW). It's pretty much gone viral because of it's obvious coolness. There's something about taking an iconic character and putting them in a foreign setting with foreign characters that makes it feel very so strange and off. Seeing this Supaidaman is almost as wonderfully weird as the Turkish false eyelash wearing rapist Spiderman in 3 Dev Adam.

Apparently for four years Marvel allowed Toei to do whatever the fuck they wanted with whatever character they wanted (?). I'm sure you can imagine that Toei did things with the character that Marvel never dreamed of like make it, um...AWESOME!? Truth be told I'm not really that kind of nerd. I've never gotten into the Marvel/DC/any-superhero-related-comic thing. I'm not sure if that makes me biased or unbiased. I love the idea of foreign reworkings, no matter how artfully (or poorly) done it is it always feels wrong. ~~Sometimes~~ Usually so wrong that it's right. And the Toei Spider-Man feels oh so right.

No Peter Parker here. Our hero is Takuya Yamashiro, motorcycle racer whose father is killed after a UFO lands. The ship is called "the Marveler" and the remaining survivor is from a planet called "Spider". The mysterious Alien gives Takuya a bracelet that gives him the power of the Spider! There are also some bad guys lead by "Professor Monster" (best villain name ever). Oh yeah, and a giant fucking robot! Not surprising from the tokusatsu stand point, but totally out of place if you're used to the boring American storyline.

Apparently this show set the standards for a lot of Sentai and Tokusatsu in the following years. It really is a staple and a great place to start if you're new to the frantic antics of Japanese Super Hero shows and wacky world of Toei.

The Prophecy (1979)

2010-08-15T16:35:00.004-07:00

When I bought this I think I was mixing it up with the 1995 movie The Prophecy with Christopher Walken, not that I would rather have that one. In the long run I think I'm better off with this John Frankenheimer version. What starts out as a really serious eco-political thriller ends up being a total schlockfest in the end, and isn't that the way it should be?

Robert Foxworth plays a peace loving doctor who is frustrated with his futile attempts at making the world a better place in a big city. When offered a job with the Environmental Protection Agency which would give him a change of scene and a chance to make a difference in another way, he accepts. He doesn't know that his wife, Talia Shire, is pregnant. She's afraid to tell him because he doesn't want to contribute to the over population and squalor of the world today. Understandable.

When they arrive they discover that the loggers and the local American Indians are feuding over land. It has turned violent and his job is to investigate to see what he can turn up. Armand Assante plays the leader of the Indians and he gets into a particularly awesome skirmish with a lumberjack. A fight ensues with an axe and a chainsaw as the battle weapons!

Something very large and scary is killing people. The loggers think it's the Indians retaliating but the Natives know better, they think it's "Katahdin" a legendary beast who's described as "larger than a dragon with the eyes of a cat". Not quite, but I'm getting there. Hawk's wife Romona is a midwife who describes birthing babies with deformities that usually die right away. Many locals get very sick and collapse. The white devils of course chock it up to the old stereotype of redskins not being able to hold their firewater. When Ramona introduced the Doctor and his wife to her father, he describes the place as being "the Garden of Eden " and fishes out a skanky mutant tardpole for proof.

At first I just thought it was a mudskipper but upon closer inspection I noticed that it wasn't, and it also couldn't be from the Garden of Eden because this is truly AN ABOMINATION OF GODDDD!!!

Need more proof? Check out this freak baby...

They realize that the Paper Mill is secreting mercury in the water so the whole area is a melting pot of grotesque deviation. Everyone/everything drinks the water, eats the fish and then dreadful mutations occur.

Oh, and did I mention that the large scary thing killing people is a BEHEMOTH MUTANT BEAR??...

I was pretty surprised about that. I was expecting something a little more monster-y. As far as I can tell, aside from it being hideous, it seems to act like any grizzly bear. Especially one whose baby has been stolen! (yeah, that was a cub up there) At first I was disappointed by this, I liked the idea of the Indian legend monster being real. But no, just another don't fuck with nature horror movie. I got over it quick though. The bear delivers some nice fuck-uppery though. Lots of people throwing, face eating, bitch slapping, it can even breathe under water.

In a lot of ways this movie reminds me of a better version of Godmonster of Indian Flats! Toxic gasses make local sheep turn into mutant sheep that serve ample helping of terror to the local assholes. Toxic mercury make big bear a BIGGER face-inside-out beast freak. They even kind of look alike!

Papa Bear

Sheep Fart Man

For the record I'm not really sure where any "prophecy" fits in here. Not that I mind. I love that I was inadvertently mislead by this movie. It made all of the antics more entertaining in the long run. In the end...well, I'll let you find out. But for the record, preggo Talia Shire eats the same fish that Momma bear does. Suddenly that abortion that the Doc suggested is sounding pretty good!

The Room (2003)

2010-08-12T19:51:00.002-07:00

Spoilers Ahead!

Ok people, where the hell have I been? Apparently this movie and it's overwhelming cult status have been sweeping the Country for God knows how long and I'm just now finding out about it. A friend on Facebook asked me if I'd seen it. I'd never even heard of it, so I watched the clips he sent me and IMMEDIATELY bumped it to the top of my Netflix que. I had a to wait a whole weekend to see it and let me tell ya... pure torture. I spent the entire weekend watching any youtube video with Tommy Wiseau's name attached to it. It was becoming clear that I was onto a new favorite movie.

To sum it up, it may just be the ~~best~~ worst movie ever made. There is so much wrong with it you'll find yourself looking for anything decent, functional or coherent about it. It's almost hard to believe that there's a plot, but somehow something is there!

A successful banker named Johnny is madly in love with his "sexy" fiance Lisa, but her boredom and selfishness has lead her to seduce his best friend Mark. All the while, getting every single person they know involved in their affair. Since that synopsis sounds like I could have read it from the back of the box, let me break it down for you...

Successful Banker Named Johnny - The first time I watched this movie (yes, first time, as in, I watched it TWICE...in a row.) I did not notice any mention of what his profession was. In the second viewing I realized he does slur the word "bank" in his usual guttural fashion.
"Sexy" Fiance Lisa - Ok, let's be honest. Despite the male cast repeatedly reminding us that Lisa is "beautiful", who are we trying to kid? Let's start from the top: brassy peroxide hair with nappy roots, black eyebrows, old man big pickle nose, potato shoulders and a wardrobe that consists of mostly clothes from Fashion Bug. At BEST, she looked like pre-nose job Courtney Love. Only, she's about as alluring as a venerial disease.
Seduce - let's talk about cliche's, shall we? Candles. Red dress. Red Roses. Petals on the Bed. Silk Sheets. Sheer Drape Over Bed, and most importantly Sensual Urban Music.

The other Characters include, Denny the orphaned college kid who Johnny (Wiseau) has pretty much adopted. Which makes no sense because he's an adult. He has an unhealthy obsession with both Lisa and Johnny. He does incredibly creepy things like jump into bed with them pre-coitus for a pillow fight before reasoning that he just "likes to watch you guys." They say "aww" and give him a pat on the head before sending him off so they can mix their ungulating bodily fluids. Then there's Claudette, Lisa's mother who doesn't care about anything but her daughter's financial security. One of the most refreshing characters (and actors) in the whole movie with moments like "Well, I got the test results back, I definitely have breast cancer." They also have a group of fucktard friends whose names (although repeated 50 times) I didn't bother to remember.

It's shocking that this was made in 2003. It REALLY feels like late 80's/early 90's. I've questioned the sincerity of it. As I'm sure a lot of you have. HOW could this be unintentional? At least on some level. Tommy Wiseau - who wrote, directed and starred in this narcissistic self-indulgent disaster - claims that everything went according to plan. It was intended to be a black comedy and he's happy with it's reception though he's huffy about certain critic's obvious responses. For the most part, I think that he's just going a long with it because of it's insanely trendy reception. Why not capitalize on it, right? Tim and Eric are working with him now. He was in an episode of Season 4 and they've been pushing to get his sitcom The Neighbors on Adult Swim. I'm still not sure if this is straight forward. Tim and Eric are known for mocking the very thing that is The Room. I've often wondered if David Liebe Hart or any of their other targets are completely in on the joke. Surely they must be. If by some stretch of the imagination, the Room and Tommy Wiseau's essence are fabricated like some elaborate Sacha Baron Cohen character, I would bow down to his genius. But until disproven, I can only assume he's a hulking goon with the longest buttcrack known to man...

I've barely even talked about the man himself! Johnny, aka, Tommy Wiseau. I want to start by saying that, to my personal taste in men, he is the most revolting creature I've ever seen. That stringy unkempt long black hair, strange deep set face muscles not to mention unnatural lumps and indentations all over his filthy rectangular body. What woman would want this?

Did anyone else notice the ridiculous use of primary colors in this film? And what about that amazing skyline on the roof? What about the obsession with tossing a football 4 feet away from eachother?

When discovering that his girlfriend and best friend have been falandering he loses control, humps her dress and blows his brains out.

Did he just jizz in his pants?

Finally.

This movie has brought me so much joy in the past few days. It's worth every bit of the hype. It's a remarkable achievement, even if it is a mistake. How many terrible movies end up being this entertaining anymore? This surpasses even some classic era baddies. I watched Fred Olen Ray's Cyclone a few days before this with every intention of reviewing it and all of it's 80's Motorbabe glory, but now I can't even think straight. The Room is so trashy and ugly that it can only be admired. It has redefined my views of bad and badd-er. Going even beyond that, challenging some of the worst movies of all time. There can only be one, and it is The Room. Not A Room. THE ROOM!

TV Tuesday: Black Books

2010-08-11T00:34:00.001-07:00

Sorry I'm a few hours late!

This show really seemed to come out of nowhere and disappeared just as quickly, in America anyway. I can't remember what exact year it was, sometime between 1999-2001, which would put me in between 7th and 9th grade. I believe it was around the time they started that awful show with Dave Attell. I had no interest in Insomniac or whatever else they showed in that late night line-up but I instantly fell in love with Black Books. I remember having to be really quiet and secretive because it was a school night. I didn't care how tired I was, if I could get away with catching an episode of Black Books it just had to be done. I can't even remember what grade I was in, let alone whatever I was supposed to be learning. I do remember telling the other students and no one having any clue what I was talking about. For the most part things have remained that way. Over the years when talking about the Young Ones, Mr. Bean or any of the other British comedy series I like, whenever Black Books would get brought up I've rarely encountered others who were lucky enough to catch it's brief American syndication.

I recently noticed that Borders had Black Books season 2 on DVD! Thankfully Netflix is here to aide my broke ass, so there you have it. I've been re-experiencing it for the past few days and even well into my 20's I laugh just as hysterically as I did in my tweens, only this time I don't have to muffle it avoid waking up my Mom.

Written and starring Dylan Moran as a chain smoking wino named Bernard Black who owns a book store. He's rude and belligerent to customers, while his friends Manny and Fran are always keeping him from falling apart completely. Naturally lots of British slapstick ensues mostly as a result of Black's drunken shenanigans. There's something kind of John Cusack-y ala High Fidelity about the character. Bill Bailey plays Manny, a perfect foil for Black's mayhem. Check out this show if you haven't already. It's further proof that the English are the only ones who know how to make a sitcom work.